Along one side of the library, in the Hartford home, the bookshelves joined the mantelpiece—in fact there were shelves on both sides of the mantelpiece. On these shelves, and on the mantelpiece, stood various ornaments. At one end of the procession was a framed oil paintingⒶapparatus note of a cat’s head, at the other end was a head of a beautiful young girl, life-size—Ⓐapparatus notecalled Emmeline, because she looked just about like that—Ⓐapparatus notean impressionist water-colorⒺexplanatory note. Between the one picture and the other there were twelve or fifteen of the bric-à-bracⒶapparatus note things already mentioned, also an oil painting by Elihu Vedder, “The Young Medusa.”Ⓐapparatus note Ⓔexplanatory note Every now and then the children required me to construct a romance—always impromptu—not a moment’s preparation permitted—and into that romance I had to getⒶapparatus note all that bric-à-bracⒶapparatus note and the threeⒶapparatus note pictures. I had to start always with the cat and finish with Emmeline. I was never allowed the refreshment of a change, end-for-endⒶapparatus note. It was not permissible to introduce a bric-à-bracⒶapparatus note ornament into the story out of its place in the procession.

TheseⒶapparatus note bric-à-bracsⒶapparatus note were never allowed a peaceful day, a reposeful day, a restful Sabbath. In their lives there was no Sabbath,Ⓐapparatus note inⒶapparatus note their lives there was no peace; theyⒶapparatus note knew no existence but a monotonous career of violence and bloodshed. In the course of time, the bric-à-bracⒶapparatus note and the pictures showed wear. It was because they had hadⒶapparatus note so many and such tumultuousⒶapparatus note adventures in their romantic careers.

As romancer to the children I had a hard time, even from the beginning. If they brought me a picture, in a magazine,Ⓐapparatus note and required me to build a story to it, they would cover the rest of the page with their pudgy hands to keep me from stealing an idea from it. The stories had to come hot from the bat, always. They had to be absolutely original and fresh. Sometimes the children furnished me simply a character or two, or a dozen, and required me to start out at [begin page 342] once on that slim basis and deliver those characters up to a vigorous and entertaining life of crime. If they heard of a new trade, or an unfamiliar animal, or anything like that, I was pretty sure to have to deal with those things in the next romance. Once Clara required me to build a sudden tale out of a plumber and a “bawgunstrictorⒶapparatus note,” and I had to do it. She didn’t know what a boa-constrictor was,Ⓐapparatus note until he developed in the tale—then she was better satisfied with it than ever.

This is a frank biographer, and an honest one; she uses no sandpaper on me. I have, to this day, the same dull head in the matter of conundrums and perplexities which SusyⒶapparatus note had discovered in those long-gone days. Complexities annoy me; theyⒶapparatus note irritate me; then this progressive feeling presently warms into anger. I cannot get far in the reading of the commonest and simplest contract—with its “parties of the first part,” and “parties of the second part,” and “parties of the third part,”—beforeⒶapparatus note my temper is all gone. AshcroftⒺexplanatory note comes up here every day and pathetically tries to make me understand the points of the lawsuit which we are conducting against Henry ButtersⒶapparatus note, Harold Wheeler, and the rest of those Plasmon thievesⒺexplanatory note,Ⓐapparatus note but daily he has to give it up. It is pitiful to see, when he bends his earnest and appealing eyes upon me and says, after one of his efforts, “Now you do understand that, don’t you?”

I am always obliged to sayⒶapparatus note “I don’t, Ashcroft. I wish I could understand it, but I don’t. Send for the cat.”

In the days which SusyⒶapparatus note is talking about, a perplexity fell to my lot one day. F. G. Whitmore was my business agent, and he brought me out from town in his buggy. We drove by the porte-cochèreⒶapparatus note and toward the stable. Now this was a singleⒶapparatus note road, and was like a spoon whose handle stretched from the gate to a great round flower-bed in the neighborhood of the stable. At the approach to the flower-bed the road divided and circumnavigated it, making a loop, which I [begin page 343] have likened to the bowl of the spoon.Ⓐapparatus note As we neared the loop,Ⓐapparatus note I saw that Whitmore was laying his course to port, (I was sitting on the starboard side—the side the house was on),Ⓐapparatus note and was going to start around that spoon-bowlⒶapparatus note on that left-handⒶapparatus note side. I said,

“Don’tⒶapparatus note do that, Whitmore; take the right-hand side. Then I shall be next to the house when we get to the door.”

He said,Ⓐapparatus note “ ThatⒶapparatus note will notⒶapparatus note happen in anyⒶapparatus note case, itⒶapparatus note doesn’t make any difference which wayⒶapparatus note I go around this flower-bed.”

I explained to him that he was an ass, but he stuck to his proposition, and I said,

“GoⒶapparatus note on and try it, and see.”

He went on and tried it, and sure enough he fetched me up at the door on the very sideⒶapparatus note that he had saidⒶapparatus note I would be. I was not able to believe it then, and I don’t believe it yet.

I said,Ⓐapparatus note “Whitmore, that is merely an accident.Ⓐapparatus note You can’t do it again.”

HeⒶapparatus note said he could—and heⒶapparatus note drove down into the street, fetched around, came back, and actuallyⒶapparatus note did it again. I was stupefied, paralysedⒶapparatus note, petrified, with these strange results, but they did not convince me. I didn’t believe he could do it another time,Ⓐapparatus note but he did. He said he could do it all day, and fetch up the same way every time. ByⒶapparatus note that time my temper was gone, and I asked him to go home and apply to the asylumⒶapparatus note and I would pay the expenses;Ⓐapparatus note I didn’t want to see him any more for a week.

IⒶapparatus note went up stairsⒶapparatus note in a rage and started to tell LivyⒶapparatus note about it, expecting to get her sympathy for me and to breed aversion in her for Whitmore; but she merely burst into peal after peal of laughter, as theⒶapparatus note tale of my adventure went on, for her head was like Susy’s: riddlesⒶapparatus note and complexities had no terrors for it. Her mind and Susy’sⒶapparatus note were analytical;Ⓐapparatus note I have tried to make it appear that mine was different. Many and many a time I have told that buggy experiment, hoping against hope that I would some time or other find somebody who would be on my side,Ⓐapparatus note but it has never happened. And I am never able to go glibly forward and state the circumstances of that buggy’s progress without having to halt and considerⒶapparatus note, and call up in my mind the spoon-handleⒶapparatus note, the bowl of the spoon, the buggy and the horse, and my position in the buggy:Ⓐapparatus note and the minute I have got that far and try to turn it to the left it goes to ruin;Ⓐapparatus note I can’t see how it is ever going to fetch me out right when we get to the doorⒺexplanatory note. SusyⒶapparatus note is right in her estimate. I can’t understand things.

That burglar alarmⒶapparatus note which SusyⒶapparatus note mentions led a gay and careless life, and had no principles. It was generally out of order at one point or another;Ⓐapparatus note and there was plenty of opportunity, because all the windows and doors in the house, from the cellar up to the top floorⒶapparatus note, were connected with it. However, inⒶapparatus note its seasons of being out of order it could trouble us for only a very little while: weⒶapparatus note quickly found out that it was fooling us,Ⓐapparatus note and that it was buzzing its blood-curdlingⒶapparatus note alarm merely for its own amusement. Then we would shut it off, andⒶapparatus note send to New York for the electrician—there not being one in all Hartford in those days. WhenⒶapparatus note the repairs were finished we would set the alarm again and re-establish our confidence in it. It never did any real business except upon one single occasion. All the rest of its expensive career was frivolous and without purpose. Just that one time it performed its duty, and its whole duty—gravely, seriously, admirably. It let fly about two o’clock one black and dreary MarchⒶapparatus note morning, and I turned out promptly, because I knew that it was not fooling, this time. The bath-room door was on my [begin page 344] side of the bed. I stepped in there, turned up the gas, looked at the annunciatorⒶapparatus note, andⒶapparatus note turned off the alarm—so far as the door indicated was concerned—thus stopping the racket. Then I came back to bed. Mrs. Clemens opened the debate:Ⓐapparatus note

“WhatⒶapparatus note was it?”

“ItⒶapparatus note was the cellar door.”

“WasⒶapparatus note it a burglar, do you think?”

“Yes,” I said, “ofⒶapparatus note course it was. DidⒶapparatus note you suppose it was a Sunday-school superintendent?”

“No. WhatⒶapparatus note do you suppose he wants?”

“IⒶapparatus note suppose he wants jewelry, but he is not acquainted with the house and he thinks it is in the cellar. I don’t like to disappoint a burglar whom I am not acquainted with, and who has done me no harm, but if he had had common sagacity enough to inquire, I could have told him we kept nothing down there but coal and vegetables. Still it may be that he is acquainted with thisⒶapparatus note place, and that what he really wants is coal and vegetables. On the whole, I think it is vegetables he is after.”Ⓐapparatus note

“AreⒶapparatus note you going down to see?”

“No; IⒶapparatus note could not be of any assistance. Let him select for himself; I don’t know where the things are.”Ⓐapparatus note

Then she said,Ⓐapparatus note “But suppose he comes up to the ground floor!”

“That’sⒶapparatus note all right. We shall know it the minute he opens a door on that floor. It will set off the alarm.”

Just then the terrific buzzing broke out again. I said,

“HeⒶapparatus note has arrived. I toldⒶapparatus note you he would. I know all about burglars and their ways. They are systematic people.”Ⓐapparatus note

I went into the bath-room to see if I was right, and I was. I shut off the dining roomⒶapparatus note and stopped the buzzing,Ⓐapparatus note and came back to bed. My wife said,Ⓐapparatus note

“What do you suppose he is after now?”

I said,Ⓐapparatus note “I think he has got all the vegetables he wantsⒶapparatus note and is coming up for napkin-rings and odds and ends for the wife and childrenⒶapparatus note. They all have families—burglars have—and they are always thoughtful of them, always take a few necessaries of life for themselves, and fill out withⒶapparatus note tokens of remembrance for the family. In taking them they do not forget us: thoseⒶapparatus note very things represent tokens of his remembrance of us, and also of our remembrance of him.Ⓐapparatus note We never get them again; theⒶapparatus note memory of the attention remains embalmed in our hearts.”

“AreⒶapparatus note you going down to see what it is he wants now?”

“No,” I said, “IⒶapparatus note am no more interested than I was before. TheyⒶapparatus note are experienced people,—burglars; theyⒶapparatus note know what they want;Ⓐapparatus note I should be no help to him. I think he isⒶapparatus note after ceramics and bric-à-bracⒶapparatus note and such things. If he knows the house he knows that that is all that he can find on the dining roomⒶapparatus note floor.”

She said, with a strong interest perceptible in her tone,Ⓐapparatus note “Suppose he comes up here!”

I said,Ⓐapparatus note “It is all right. He will give us notice.”

“WhatⒶapparatus note shall we do then?”

“ClimbⒶapparatus note out of the window.”

She said, a little restively, “Well,Ⓐapparatus note what is the use of a burglar alarmⒶapparatus note for us?”

“YouⒶapparatus note have seen, dear heart,Ⓐapparatus note that it has been useful up to the present moment, and I have explained to you how it will be continuously useful after he gets up here.”

That was the end of it. He didn’t ring any more alarms. PresentlyⒶapparatus note I said,

“HeⒶapparatus note is disappointed, I think. He has gone off with the vegetables and the bric-à-brac,Ⓐapparatus note and I think he is dissatisfied.”

We went to sleep, and at a quarter before eight in the morning I was out, and hurrying, for I was to take the 8.29Ⓐapparatus note train for New York. I found the gas burning brightly—full head—all over the first floor. My new overcoat was gone; my old umbrella was gone; my new patent-leather shoes, which I had never worn, were gone. The large window which opened into the ombraⒶapparatus note Ⓔexplanatory note at the rear of the house was standing wide. I passed out through it and tracked the burglar down the hill through the trees; tracked him without difficulty, because he had blazed his progress with imitation silver napkin-rings,Ⓐapparatus note and my umbrella, and various other things which he had disapproved of; and I went back in triumph and proved to my wife that he was a disappointed burglar. I had suspected he would be, from the start, and from his not coming up to our floor to get human beings.

Things happened to me that day in New York. I will tell about them another time.

A lady distantly related to us came to visit us once in those days. She came to stay a week, but all our efforts to make her happy failed, weⒶapparatus note could not imagine why, and she got up her anchor and sailed the next morning.Ⓐapparatus note We did much guessing, but could not solve the mystery. Later we found out what the trouble was. It was my tramping up and down between the courses. She conceived the idea that I could not stand her society.

That word “Youth,” as the reader has perhaps already guessed, was my wife’s pet name for me. It was gently satirical, but also affectionate. I had certain mental and material peculiarities and customs proper to a much younger person than I was.

At one time when the children were small, we had a very black mother-catⒶapparatus note named Satan, and Satan had a small black offspring named Sin. Pronouns were a difficulty for the children. Little Clara came in one day, her black eyes snapping with indignation, and said,

“PapaⒶapparatus note, Satan ought to be punished. She is out there at the greenhouse and there she stays and stays, and his kitten is down stairsⒶapparatus note crying.”Ⓐapparatus note

It is as I have said before. This is a frank historian. She doesn’t cover up one’s deficiencies, but gives them an equal showing with one’s handsomer qualities. Of course I made the remark which she has quoted—and even at this distant day I am still as much as half persuaded that if Susy WarnerⒶapparatus note had been present when the Creator said “Let there be light” she would have interrupted Him and we shouldn’t ever have got it.Ⓐapparatus note