The debate at the Dublin club house—Spontaneous OratoryⒶtextual note good scheme for ocean liner entertainments—Susy’s Biography—The sum in arithmetic—Sour Mash, and the other cats—A tribute to GeneralⒶtextual note Grant.
We carried out our project at the club on Saturday afternoon, and were very well satisfied with it. We had a narrow platform against one end of the hall, and on it three chairs in a row for the accommodation of myself and my pupils. I explained my system to the house—a system whereby I could teach the novice, with a single lesson, how to make impromptu speeches of a satisfactory and successful character upon any and all occasions without timidity, without embarrassment, and even without doubt or solicitude as to the result. I said that my two pupils—the artists George Brush and Joseph SmithⒺexplanatory note—could not really be said to have received a lesson, as yet, but that the explanation which I had just been making would qualify them to get up and address this house, when called upon, and do it to the house’s contentment—becauseⒶtextual note each of them had two or three anecdotes in his vest pocket, and inasmuch as the anecdotes are the essential feature of my system of Spontaneous OratoryⒶtextual note, the resulting speeches would necessarily be successful. I said that my system had never been subjected to the severe test of a debate before, but that it would nevertheless be found able to competently meet this emergency.
I said that we were now ready to begin as soon as the audience would favor us with a subject for discussion. After a brief conference with others, Professor HendersonⒺexplanatory note offeredⒶtextual note us this question for debate:
If it were decreed that one of the sexes must be exterminated, which one could best be spared?
I said it was an admirable selection and offered a difficult question for settlement, but that its difficulties had no terrors for us; we should settle it, and settle it permanently, within an hour and a quarter.
I elected to open the debate myself, and maintainⒶtextual note that the planet could better get along without the men than without the women. I appointed Mr. Brush to attack this position and devote his best reasoning powers to a defence of the male sex’s superior claims to preservation. I appointed Mr. Smith to follow, on either side of the question or on both sides of it, according to his desire and the movements of his spirit.
We carried the debate through with a good quality of seriousness; also with animation; with deep feelingⒶtextual note at times,Ⓐtextual note together with occasional outbreaks of vindictiveness and vituperation. Each man’s speech ended with an excellent anecdote which professed to illustrate what the speaker had just been saying, but didn’t illustrate it of course—didn’t illustrate what he had been saying nor what anybody else had been saying this year.
[begin page 215]Brush assumed the character and manner of an old German professor, and searched the deeps of the subject, assisting himself with irruptionsⒶtextual note of scientific terms clothed in the dead languages; and his grave mingling of earnestness and absurdity was a fine exhibition of art, and very effectiveⒺexplanatory note.
Mr. Smith assumed the precise and ornate style of the experienced disputant of the old-time village debating society, and exhibited with good art the confidence and complacency that are born of an established reputationⒺexplanatory note.
We got through in a short hour and a quarter, and then I was convinced that we had made a valuable discovery. I was sure that whereas country clubs usuallyⒶtextual note find it difficult to provide fortnightly entertainments of a really entertaining sort with the home talent at their disposal, they need nowⒶtextual note only do debates, on our plan, to insure an excellent nonsense-entertainmentⒶtextual note every time.
I am moved to offer our scheme to the attention of the sea-going public. It ought to be adopted in the liners, and given the place which has been occupied for generations, on the night before reaching port, by those dreary exhibitions of ship-going talent—the trial by jury, which is always a witless and extravagant exhibition; and the “concert,”Ⓐtextual note which consists of speeches made up of compliments to the ship and its officers, amateur music which does not enthuse, and over-impassioned recitations of “Curfew Shall Not Ring To-night,”Ⓔexplanatory note withⒶtextual note other worn and ancient distresses. I believe there is nothing in all the range of steamship entertainments that is so empty, noisy, pointless and frantic, as the trial by jury. I have read one, lately, which some maniac took down in shorthand and published. Without doubt it was sufficiently stupid when it happened; itⒶtextual note was sure to be still stupider when exposed to cold print. A better day is coming, I hope, when at last the recitations and the trial by jury will be abolished from the sea and the Spontaneous DebateⒶtextual note elected to fill their place. To make those other things endurable, talent and experience in the performers is necessary; to make a Spontaneous DebateⒶtextual note delightful, neither talent nor experience is necessary—nothing is necessary but a stream of earnest and incoherent words interrupted at intervals by an illustrative good anecdote which does not illustrate anything. Words are plenty; so are good anecdotes. These being present in any gathering of human beings, the Spontaneous DebateⒶtextual note cannot fail.
From Susy’s Biography. Ⓐtextual note
The other day we were all sitting, when papa told Clara and I that he would give us an arithmetic example; he began “If A byes a horse for $100—”Ⓐtextual note “$200”Ⓐtextual note Jean interrupted; the expression of mingled surprise and submission on papa face, as he turned to Jean and said “WhoⒶtextual note is doing this example, Jean?” was inexpressibly funny. Jean laughed and papa continued “If A byes a horse for $100—”Ⓐtextual note “$200”Ⓐtextual note Jean promptly interrupted; papa looked perplexed and mamma went into convulsions of laughter. It was plain to us all that papa would have to change his summ to $200. So he accordingly began “If A byes a horse for $200 and B byes a mule for $140 and they join in co-partnership and trade their creatures for a piece of land at $480 how long will it take a lame man to borrow a silk umbrella?”Ⓐtextual note
Susy does not furnish the answer—and now, after the lapse of twenty years, I find that I am not able to furnish it myself. It is one of those losses which we mayⒶtextual note mourn but cannot repair.
Papa’sⒶtextual note great care now is Sour Mash (the cat) and he will come way down from his study on the hill to see how she is getting along.
It was quite natural for me to do it, for I had a great admiration for Sour Mash, and a great affection for her, too. She was one of the institutions of Quarry Farm for a good many years. She had an abundance of that noble quality which all cats possess, and which neither man nor any other animal possesses in any considerable degree—independence. Also she was affectionate, she was loyal, she was plucky, she was enterprising, she was just to her friends and unjust to her enemies—and she was righteously entitled to the high compliment which so often fell from the lips of John T. Lewis—Ⓐtextual notereluctantly, and as by compulsion, but all the more precious for that:
“Other Christians is always worrying about other people’s opinions, but Sour Mash don’t give a damn.”
Indeed she was just that independent of criticism, and I think it was her supreme grace. In her industries she was remarkable. She was always busy. If she wasn’t exterminating grasshoppers she was exterminating snakes—for no snake had any terrors for her. When she wasn’t catching mice she was catching birds. She was untiring in her energies. Every waking moment was precious to her; in it she would find something useful to do—and if she ran out of material and couldn’t find anything else to do she would have kittens. She always kept us supplied, and her families were of a choice quality. She herself was a three-colored tortoise-shell, but she had no prejudices of breed, creed, or casteⒶtextual note. She furnished us all kinds, all colors, with that impartiality which was so fine a part of her make. She allowed no dogs on the premises except those that belonged there. Visitors who brought their dogs along always had an opportunity to regret it. She hadn’t two plans for receiving a dog guest, but only one. She didn’t wait for the formality of an introduction to any dog, but promptly jumped on his back and rode him all over the farmⒺexplanatory note. By my help she would send out cards, next day, and invite that dog to a garden party, but she never got an acceptance. The dog that had enjoyed her hospitalities once was willing to stand pat.Ⓐtextual note
A fewⒶtextual note months after the last “Prince and Pauper” we started for the farm. The farm is Aunt Susy’s home and where we stay in the summer. It is situated on the top of a high hill overlooking the vally of Elmira. In the winter papa sent way to Kansas for a little donkey for us to have at the farm, and when we got to the farm we were delighted to find the donky in good trimm and ready to have us ride her. But she has proved to be very balky and to have to make her go by walking in front of her with a handful of crackers.
The creature was no bigger than a calf, yet when she chose to balk she could not be budged from her position by any artsⒶtextual note that the children were master of. I said it was because they were not decided enough with her; that they lacked confidence in their [begin page 217] power to move her and she was aware of it and took advantage of the situation. I said that all she needed on her back was a person equipped with confidence and decision of character—then she would know her place. I jumped on the creature’s back, by way of an object lesson, but went over her head in the same instant and landed on my own back. The childrenⒶtextual note were astonished, but I said it was nothing, I could do it every time.
In those days I was more musical than I am nowⒶtextual note in my old age, and could out-bray any donkey in the region, and give him points. The children admired this performance beyond measure, and they oftenⒶtextual note had me at it and raising the echoes of the hills and the valleys. They were always eager to have me show off my talent before company, but I was diffident and got out of it upon one pretense or another. They wanted me to set my bray to poetry, and I did it;Ⓐtextual note did it most grandly, too,Ⓐtextual note in their opinion, for they were charitable critics. It was wonderfully good poetry, just as poetry, but was prodigiouslyⒶtextual note improved by the bray. The donkey’sⒶtextual note name was CadichonⒺexplanatory note. I cannot call to mind who furnished that name, but it was the children that furnished the pronunciation. They called it Kiditchin, with the emphasis on the middle syllable.
From Susy’s Biography. Ⓐtextual note
Papa wrote a little poem about her which I have and will put in here, it is partly German and partly English.
Kiditchin.
OⒶtextual note du lieb’ KiditchinⒶtextual note,Du bist ganz bewitchin,
Waw – – – – – he!Ⓐtextual note
In summer days Kiditchin
Thou’rt dear from nose to britchin
Waw – – – – – he!Ⓐtextual note
No dought thoult get a switchin
When for mischief thou’rt itchin’
Waw – – – – – he!
But when youre good Kiditchin
You shall feast in James’s kitchen
Waw – – – – – he!
O now lift up thy song—
Thy noble note prolong,—
Thou living Chinese gong!
Waw – – he! waw – – he-waw!Ⓐtextual note
Sweetest donkey man ever saw.Ⓐtextual note
There are eleven cats at the farm here now, and papa’s favorite a TortoiseⒶtextual note ShellⒶtextual note he has named “Sour Mash” and a little spotted one “Famine.”Ⓐtextual note It is very pretty to see what papa calls the cat prosession it was formed in this way. Old Minnie-cat headed, (the mother of all the cats) next to her came aunt Susie, then Clara on the [begin page 218] donkey, accompanied by a pile of cats, then papa and Jean hand in hand and a pile of cats brought up the rear, Mamma and I made up the audience.
Our varius occupations are as follows. Papa rises about ½ past 7 in the morning, breakfasts at eight, writes plays tennis with Clara and me and tries to make the donkey go in the morning, does varius things in P.M., and in the evening plays tennis with Clara and me and amuses Jean and the donkey.
Mamma rises about ¼ to eight, breakfasts at eight, teaches Jean German reading from 9–10, reads German with me from 10–11— Then she reads studdies or visits with aunt Susie for a while, and then she reads to Clara and I till lunch time things connected with English history for we hope to go to England next summer, while we sew. Then we have lunch. She studdies for about half an hour or visits with aunt Susie, then reads to us an hour or more, then studdies writes reads and rests till supper time. After supper she sits out on the porch and works till eight o’clock, from eight o’clock till bedtime she plays whist with papa and after she has retired she reads and studdies German for a while.
Clara and I do most every thing from practicing to donkey riding and playing tag, whileⒶtextual note Jean’s time is spent in asking mamma what she can have to eat.
It is Jean’s birth day to day. She is 5 yrs. old. Papa is away to-day and he telegraphed Jean that he wished her 65 happy returns. Papa has just written something about General Grant. I will put it in here.*
General Grant.Ⓐtextual note
Any one who has had the privilege of knowing General Grant personaly will recognize how justly General Beale recently outlined his great, simple, beautiful natureⒺexplanatory note. Thirteen hundred years ago, as the legends of King Arthur’s Round table have it, Sir Launcelot, the flower of CristianⒶtextual note chivalry, the knight without a peer, lay dead in the castle of Joyous Gard. With a loving and longing heartⒶtextual note his brother the knight Sir Ector de Maris had been seeking him patiently for seven lagging years, and now he arrivedⒶtextual note at this place at nightfall and heard the chanting of monks over the dead. In the quaint and charming English of nearly fourⒶtextual note hundred years ago the story says,—
“And when Sir Ector heard such noise and light in the quire of Joyous Gard he alight, and put his horse from him, and came into the quire and there he saw men sing and weep. And all they knew Sir Ector but he knew not them. Then went Sir Bors unto Sir Ector and told him how there lay his brother Sir Launcelot dead: and then Sir Ector threw his shield,Ⓐtextual note sword, and helmⒶtextual note from him; and when he beheld Sir Launcelot’s visage, he fell down in a swoon: and when he awaked it were hard for any tongue to tell the doleful complaints that he made for his brother.”
Then follows his tribute—a passage whose noble and simple eloquence had not its equal in English literature until the Gettysburg Speech took its lofty place beside it. The words drew a portrait 13 centuries ago; they draw its twin to-day without the alteration of a syllable:Ⓐtextual note
“Ah Launcelot,Ⓐtextual note thou were head of all Christian knights! And now I dare say, thou Sir Launcelot,
there thou liest, that thou were never matched
of earthly knight’s hands; and thou were the courtliest knightⒶtextual note that ever bare shield;Ⓐtextual note and thou were the truest friend to thy friend that ever bestrode horse; and thou
were the truest lover, of a sinful man, that
ever loved woman;Ⓐtextual note and thou were the kindest man
*Written by request—for Susy’s Biography. S.L.C.Ⓐtextual note [begin page 219] that ever strake with sword; and thou were the goodliest person that ever came among press of knights; and thou were the meekest man and the gentlest that ever ate in hall among ladies;Ⓐtextual note and thou were the sternest knight to thy mortal foe that ever put spear in restⒺexplanatory note.”
George Brush and Joseph Smith] See the Autobiographical Dictation of 31 August 1906, note at 200.6.
Professor Henderson] Ernest Flagg Henderson (1861–1928), who earned his doctorate in history at the University of Berlin, had by 1906 published three books on Germany: Select Historical Documents of the Middle Ages (1892), A History of Germany in the Middle Ages (1894), and A Short History of Germany. Volume 1: 9 A.D. to 1648 A.D. (1902). The Clemenses had known Henderson and his wife, the former Berta von Bunsen (1862–1942), in Berlin in the early 1890s. The Hendersons, with their six children, regularly spent their summers in Dublin, New Hampshire (“Mrs. Bertha Henderson,” New York Times, 5 Mar 1942, 23; Lyon 1905a, entries for 9 Aug and 6 Oct; U.S. National Archives and Records Administration 1877–1907, Roll 55, passport application for Ernest Flagg Henderson, issued 4 Nov 1903).
Brush assumed the character and manner of an old German professor . . . effective] Jean Clemens reported in her diary that the club “was packed. All the doors & windows were as full of men & women as they could possibly hold.” She recounted Brush’s argument:
Mr. Brush said there were several women in the audience that he loved very dearly, but that even so he didn’t consider that men should be obliterated and to prove that men were better people to have on the earth than women, he went on to say “how felicitously what he had just been saying was proved by the following statement” of Mr. Pumpelly’s who told how when he had recently been on an archaeological expedition in the Orient, he had found bones twenty thousand years old. The men’s bones were good & hard & would take on a good polish whereas the women’s were all spongy and of no account whatever, which showed their greater weakness. (JC 1900–1907, entry for 1 Sept 1906)
Professor Raphael Pumpelly (1837–1923), an eminent geologist, was also a summer resident of the Dublin area.
Mr. Smith assumed the precise and ornate style . . . of an established reputation] Jean Clemens also reported Smith’s argument:
Then Joe Smith got up and showed that while he, too, thought that women were kindlier and better-hearted people than men & therefore better to have about, still men were more capable business people so that he found it very difficult to reach a decision. “How felicitously what I have just been saying is illustrated by the following anecdote” & then Mr. Smith went on to relate a story about a man who had been ordered by his physician to walk to his business & never to ride in an automobile or an electric car. The man was famous for his stinginess & he was thankful that while improving his health, he would also be saving the price of gasoline or his car-fare. The first morning he started out to walk, he came across an old woman crying bitterly in front of the Cathedral, with a tiny baby in her arms. The man stopped and asked what the trouble was, & the woman, still crying, said she wanted to have the baby christened in the Cathedral. “Well, why don’t you go in and have it done?” “Oh! it costs, & I haven’t got the money.” “And how much does it cost?” “Three dollars.” The man fumbled in his waist-coat pocket a moment and then drew forth a ten-dollar bill, which, with a pleased smile he handed the woman. “And is that for me?!” she exclaimed, too delighted to believe it possible. “Yes. And I’ll wait here while you get the child christened and bring me the change!” So the woman went in & then brought the man the seven dollars.
When he reached his office, his partner noticed that he looked better & brighter & considerably more cheerful. He asked what had happened to him & said he must surely be feeling better. The man told him that four good things had happened to him that day. The walk had made him feel stronger already; he had saved the expense of the gasoline; he had saved a child from Satan and he had gotten rid of that counterfeit ten-dollar bill & had seven dollars back from it! He was a competent business man!! (JC 1900–1907, entry for 1 Sept 1906)
over-impassioned recitations of “Curfew Shall Not Ring To-night,”] This poem, written by sixteen-year-old Rose Hartwick (later Thorpe) in 1867 and first published three years later, describes a young woman who stopped the bells at Chertsey Abbey to prevent the execution by Cromwell’s men of her lover, falsely accused of being a Cavalier spy during England’s civil war. It became a standard of nineteenth-century public recitation, popular but also much parodied, and was a particular favorite of Queen Victoria’s (George Wharton James 1916, 5, 7–9, 14–15, 18–19).
She . . . jumped on his back and rode him all over the farm] In a letter to Clemens of 1 August 1886, Olivia (at Quarry Farm) reported a visit from Clara Spaulding. Clara had brought her dog Rob with her, and “although we had a good visit, Rob did not because as soon as he appeared in front of the house Sour Mash jumped onto his back and planted her claws so securely into his nose that he bled well, it is a wonder that she did not scratch his eyes out” (CU-MARK). “Brave Sour Mash!” Clemens replied, “Splendid Sour Mash! to furnish Rob Spaulding her autograph, without stamp, card, envelop, or any of the other requirements” (2 Aug 1886 to OLC, CU-MARK).
Cadichon] The Clemens children adopted the name of their donkey from Les Mémoires d’un âne (1860) by Sophie Rostopchine, comtesse de Ségur. They had a copy of the 1880 English translation (Gribben 1980, 2:620).
General Beale recently outlined his great, simple, beautiful nature] Beale’s remarks were quoted in a “Special” report from Washington to the Chicago Tribune, and were probably printed in other newspapers as well (“A Tribute. Gen. Beale’s Recollections of the Dying General,” 2 Apr 1885, 1). Edward Fitzgerald (Ned) Beale (1822–93), a close friend of Grant’s, was a former naval officer, California militia general, surveyor general of California and Nevada, and superintendent of Indian affairs for California and Nevada, as well as a millionaire rancher in California and Hyattsville, Maryland, near Washington. He served as ambassador to Austria-Hungary under President Grant (1876–77).
And when Sir Ector . . . put spear in rest] The quoted passages are from Sir Thomas Malory’s Le Morte d’Arthur, book 21, chapter 13.
Source documents.
TS1 ribbon Typescript, leaves numbered 1226–37, made from Hobby’s notes and revised.TS1 carbon Typescript carbon, leaves numbered 1226–37, revised.
Clemens revised TS1 ribbon. Lyon transferred his revisions, somewhat imperfectly, to TS1 carbon; Clemens then made a further round of revisions to TS1 carbon, with an NAR installment in view. None of the dictation appeared in NAR, despite Clemens’s explicit instructions here to make an installment by combining excerpts from it with the entire ADs of 3 October and 19 December 1906. No material from those two dictations appeared in print either.
Marginal Notes on TS1 carbon Concerning Publication in NAR
For May 15
Begin there
1230 p. 1230.
2 (p. 1297.
3 (p. 1516
(Instalment
(about 9 Review pages.
1 — 1230
2 1235
3 — 1297
4 — 1516
ABOUT 9 Review pages.