The visit to Onteora—Dinner at Mrs. Dodge’s—Mr. Clemens’s method of quieting the racket at table—Some of the practical jokes which Dean SageⒺexplanatory note played on Mr. Twichell.
I couldn’t finish, yesterday. It was one of those exasperating times when the brain is clogged and muddy and the words refuse to come: aⒶtextual note body may know quite well what he wants to say; the idea in his mind may have shape and form, but by no ingenuity can the right words be found for the phrasing. Sometimes dogged persistency and determined effort will eventually improve the conditions and turn on the words and make them flow, but this does not often happen. The thing that does happen is that you may lose your temper, break some furniture, and quit for the day. That is what happened yesterday. When the words will not come there is always a good reason for it, and always the same reason—broken sleep the night before.
SusyⒶtextual note has named a number of the friends who were assembled at Onteora at the time of our visit,Ⓐtextual note but there were others—among them Laurence Hutton, Charles Dudley Warner, and CarrollⒶtextual note BeckwithⒺexplanatory note, and their wives.Ⓐtextual note It was a bright and jollyⒶtextual note company. Some of those choice spirits are still with us; the others have passed from this life: Mrs. Clemens, Susy, Mr.Ⓐtextual note Warner, Mary Mapes Dodge, Laurence Hutton, Dean Sage—peace to their ashes!Ⓐtextual note Susy is in error in thinking Mrs. Dodge was not there at that time; we were her guestsⒺexplanatory note.Ⓐtextual note
We arrived at nightfall, dreary from a tiresome journey; but the dreariness did not last. Mrs. Dodge had provided a home-made banquet, and the happy company sat down to it, twenty strong, or more. Then the thing happened which always happens at large dinners, and is always exasperating: everybody talked to his elbow-matesⒶtextual note and all talked [begin page 252] at once, and graduallyⒶtextual note raisedⒶtextual note their voices higher, and higher, and higher, in the desperate effort to be heard. It was like a riot, an insurrection; it was an intolerable volume of noise. Presently I said to the lady next me—Ⓐtextual note
“I will subdue this riot,Ⓐtextual note I will silence this racket. There is only one way to do it, but I know the art. You must tilt your head toward mine and seem to be deeply interested in what I am saying; I will talk in a low voice; then,Ⓐtextual note just because our neighbors won’t be able to hear me, they will want Ⓐtextual note to hear me.Ⓐtextual note If I mumble long enough—say two minutes—you will see that the dialogues will one after another come to a standstill, and there will be silence, not a sound anywhere but my mumbling.”Ⓐtextual note
Then in a very low voice I began:
“When I went outⒶtextual note to Chicago, eleven years ago, to witness the Grant festivitiesⒺexplanatory note, there was a great banquet on the first night, with six hundred ex-soldiers present. The gentleman who sat next me was Mr. Medill, proprietor of the Chicago Tribune Ⓐtextual note Ⓔexplanatory note. He was very hard of hearing, and he had a habit common to deaf people of shouting his remarks instead of delivering them in an ordinary voice. He would handle his knife and fork in reflective silence for five or six minutes at a time and then suddenly fetch out a shout that would make youⒶtextual note jump out of the United States.”Ⓐtextual note
By this time the insurrection at Mrs. Dodge’s table—at least that part of it in my immediate neighborhood—had died down, and the silence was spreading, couple by couple, down the long table. I went on in a lower and still lower mumble, and most impressively—
“During one of Mr. Medill’sⒶtextual note mute intervals, a man opposite us approached the end of a story which he had been telling his elbow-neighborⒶtextual note. He was speaking in a low voice—there was much noise—I was deeply interested, and straining my ears to catch his words—Ⓐtextual notestretching my neck, holding my breath, toⒶtextual note hear, unconscious of everything but the fascinating tale. I heard him say,Ⓐtextual note ‘At this point he seized her by her long hair—she shrieking and begging—bent her neck across his knee, and with one awful sweep of the razor——’Ⓐtextual note
“ ‘HOWⒶtextual note DO YOU LIKE CHICA-A-AGO!!!’ ”Ⓐtextual note
That was Medill’sⒶtextual note
interruptionⒶtextual note, hearable at thirty miles.Ⓐtextual note By the timeⒶtextual note I had reached that place in my mumblings Mrs. Dodge’s dining roomⒶtextual note was so silent, so breathlessly still, that if you had dropped a thought anywhere
in it you could have heard it smackⒶtextual note the floor.* When I delivered that yell the entire dinner company jumped as one person,
and punchedⒶtextual note their heads throughⒶtextual note the ceiling, damaging it, for it was only lath and plaster, and it all came down on us,
and
much of it went into the victuals and made them gritty, but no one was hurt.Ⓐtextual note Then I explained why it was that I had played that game, and begged them to take
the moral of it home to their hearts and be
rational and merciful thenceforth,Ⓐtextual note and cease from screamingⒶtextual note in mass, and agree to let one person talk at a time and the rest listen in grateful
and unvexed peace. They granted my prayer,
and we had a happy time all the rest of the evening;Ⓐtextual note I do not think I have ever had a better time in
*This was tried. I well remember it. M.T., Oct., ’06. Ⓐtextual note [begin page 253] my life.Ⓐtextual note This was largely because the new terms enabled me to keep the floor—now that I had it—andⒶtextual note do all the talking myself. I do like to hear myself talk. Susy has exposed this in her Biography of me.Ⓐtextual note
Dean Sage was a delightful man, yet in one way a terror to his friends, for he loved them so well that he could not refrain from playing practical jokes on them. We have to be pretty deeply in love with a person before we can do him the honor of joking familiarly with him. Dean Sage was the best citizen I have known in America. It takes courage to be a good citizen, and he had plenty of it. He allowed no individual and no corporation to infringe his smallest right and escape unpunished. He was very rich, and very generous, and benevolent, and he gave away his money with a prodigal hand; but if an individual or a corporationⒶtextual note infringed a right of his, to the value of ten cents, he would spend thousands of dollars’ worth of time and labor and moneyⒶtextual note and persistence on the matter, and would notⒶtextual note lower his flag until he had won his battleⒶtextual note or lost it.
He and ReverendⒶtextual note Joe TwichellⒶtextual note had been classmates in collegeⒺexplanatory note, and to the day of Sage’s death they were as fond of each other as a pair of sweethearts.Ⓐtextual note It follows, without saying, that whenever Sage found an opportunity to play a joke upon Twichell, TwichellⒶtextual note was sure to suffer. In ’73, when ReverendⒶtextual note Henry Ward Beecher was being tried in Brooklyn, the luster of his nameⒶtextual note and the national interest in the scandal involved in the trialⒶtextual note brought Congregational clergymen to Brooklyn from all over America, and kept the Brooklyn streets populous with clerical coats and clerical white cravats as long as the trial lasted. Twichell went there to help watch the trial, and of course was a guest in the Sage mansionⒺexplanatory note. Twichell and Sage would walk down the street dailyⒶtextual note with arms locked—Twichell of course wearing the costume that advertised his sacred office to all spectators—and whenever they got within earshot of a group of clergymen Sage would burst out with an impassioned irruption of profanity,Ⓐtextual note slap Twichell on the back, and say approvingly,
“Your very remark,Ⓐtextual note Dominie, and you never said a truer thing in your life!Ⓐtextual note”
Along about 1873Ⓐtextual note Sage fell a victim to an attack of dysenteryⒶtextual note Ⓔexplanatory note which reduced him to a skeleton, and defiedⒶtextual note all the efforts of the physicians to cure it. HeⒶtextual note went to the Adirondacks and took TwichellⒶtextual note with him. Sage had always been an active man, and he couldn’t idle any day whollyⒶtextual note away in inanition, but walked every day to the limit of his strength. One day, toward nightfall, the pairⒶtextual note came upon a humbleⒶtextual note log cabin which bore these words painted upon a shingle: “Entertainment for Man and Beast.” TheyⒶtextual note were obliged to stop there for the night, Sage’s strength being exhausted. They entered the cabin,Ⓐtextual note and found its owner and sole occupant there, a rugged and sturdy and simple-hearted man of middle ageⒶtextual note. He cooked supper and placed it before the travelersⒶtextual note—salt junk, boiled beans, corn breadⒶtextual note and black coffee. Sage’s stomach could abide nothing but the most delicate food, therefore this banquet revolted him, and he sat at the table unemployed, while TwichellⒶtextual note fed ravenously, limitlessly,Ⓐtextual note gratefully; for heⒶtextual note had been chaplain in a fighting regiment all through the war, and had kept in perfection the grand and uncritical appetite and splendidⒶtextual note physical vigorⒶtextual note which those four years of tough fare and activity had furnished him. Sage went supperless to bed, and tossed and writhedⒶtextual note all night upon a shuck mattress that was full of attentive and interested corn-cobsⒶtextual note. In the morning JoeⒶtextual note was ravenous [begin page 254] again, and devoured the odious breakfast asⒶtextual note contentedlyⒶtextual note and as delightedly as he had devoured its twin the night before. Sage sat upon the porch, empty, and contemplated the performance and meditated revenge. Presently he beckoned to the landlord and took him aside and had a confidential talk with him. He said,
“I am the paymaster. What is the bill?”
“Two suppers, fifty cents; two beds, thirty cents; two breakfasts, fifty cents—totalⒶtextual note a dollar and thirty cents.”
Sage said, “Go back and make out the bill,Ⓐtextual note and fetch it to me hereⒶtextual note on the porch. Make it thirteen dollars.”
“Thirteen dollars! WhyⒶtextual note it’s impossible! I am no robber. I am charging you what I charge everybody. It’s a dollar and thirty cents, and that’s all it is.”
“My man, I’ve got something to say about this as well as you. It’s thirteen dollars. You’llⒶtextual note make out your bill for that, and you’ll take Ⓐtextual note it, too, or you’ll not get a cent.”
The man was troubled, and said,Ⓐtextual note “I don’t understand this. I can’t make it out.”
“Well,Ⓐtextual note I understand it. I know what I am about. It’s thirteen dollars, and I want the bill made out for that. There’sⒶtextual note no other terms. Get it ready and bring it out here. I will examine it and be outraged. You understand?Ⓐtextual note I will dispute the bill. You must stand to it; youⒶtextual note must refuse to take less. I will begin to lose my temper; you must begin to lose yours. I will call you hard names; you must answer with harder ones. I will raise my voice; you must raise yours. You must goⒶtextual note into a rage—foam at the mouth, if you can; insertⒶtextual note some soap,Ⓐtextual note to help it along. Now go along and follow your instructions.”
The man played his assignedⒶtextual note part,Ⓐtextual note and played it well. He brought the bill and stood waiting for results. Sage’sⒶtextual note face began to cloud up, his eyes to snap, and his nostrils to inflate like a horse’s; then heⒶtextual note broke out with—
“ Thirteen dollars! Ⓐtextual note You mean to say that you charge thirteen dollars for these damned inhuman hospitalities of yours? Are you a professional buccaneer?Ⓐtextual note Is it your custom to——Ⓐtextual note”
The man burst in with spirit:Ⓐtextual note “NowⒶtextual note I don’t want any more out of you—that’s a plenty. The bill is thirteen dollars,Ⓐtextual note and you’ll pay Ⓐtextual note it—that’s all. AⒶtextual note couple of characterless adventurers, bilking their wayⒶtextual note through this country and attempting to dictate terms to a gentleman! aⒶtextual note gentleman who receivedⒶtextual note you supposing you were gentlemen yourselves, whereas in my opinion hell’sⒶtextual note full of——Ⓐtextual note”
Sage broke in—
“NotⒶtextual note another word of that!—Ⓐtextual noteI won’t have it. I regard you as the lowest downⒶtextual note thief that ever——Ⓐtextual note”
“Don’tⒶtextual note you use that word again!Ⓐtextual note By ——Ⓐtextual note I’ll take you by the neck and——”
TwichellⒶtextual note came rushing out, and just as the two were about to grapple he pushed himself between them and began toⒶtextual note implore—
“OhⒶtextual note Dean, don’t, don’t! Ⓐtextual note—nowⒶtextual note Mr. Smith, control yourⒶtextual note Oh, think of your family, Dean!—think what a scandal——”Ⓐtextual note
But they burst out with maledictions, imprecations,Ⓐtextual note and all the hard names they [begin page 255] could dig out of the rich accumulations ofⒶtextual note their educatedⒶtextual note memories, and in the midst of it the man shouted,Ⓐtextual note
“When gentlemen Ⓐtextual note come to this house, I treat them as Ⓐtextual note gentlemen. When people come to this house with the ordinary ChristianⒶtextual note appetites of gentlemen, I charge them a dollar and thirty cents for what I furnished you; but when a man brings a hellfiredⒶtextual note Famine here that gorges aⒶtextual note barrel of pork and four barrels of beans at two sittings—”Ⓐtextual note
Sage broke in,Ⓐtextual note in a voice that was eloquent with remorse and self-reproach,Ⓐtextual note
“IⒶtextual note never thought of that, and I ask your pardon;Ⓐtextual note I am ashamed of myself and of my friend.Ⓐtextual note Here’s your thirteen dollars, and my apologies along with it.”
Laurence Hutton, Charles Dudley Warner, and Carroll Beckwith] Clemens’s friendship with drama critic and editor Laurence Hutton (1843–1904) probably began in 1883, when Hutton invited Clemens to join the Kinsmen, an informal club of writers, artists, and actors. James Carroll Beckwith (1852–1917), a famous artist and teacher, painted a portrait of Clemens in 1890; it is now at the Mark Twain House and Museum in Hartford ( AutoMT1 , 498–99 n. 113.10; N&J3, 10 n. 10; for Warner see AD, 10 Apr 1906, note at 34.27–28).
Dean Sage] See the Autobiographical Dictation of 31 July 1906, note at 156.26–34.
Susy is in error . . . we were her guests] Clemens apparently conflates two different visits to Onteora. Susy described the first one, which took place in August 1885 (see AD, 8 Oct 1906, note at 247.28), but the Clemenses returned for a nearly three-month stay in the summer of 1890—as the marginal date Clemens provides here indicates. The dinner hosted by Mary Mapes Dodge must have occurred in 1890, because she did not build her Onteora summer home until 1888.
Chicago, eleven years ago, to witness the Grant festivities] Clemens described the banquet held in General Grant’s honor at the convention of the Grand Army of the Republic in 1879 in “The Chicago G. A. R. Festival” ( AutoMT1 , 67–70).
Mr. Medill, proprietor of the Chicago Tribune] Joseph Medill (1823–99) was a founder of the antislavery Republican party, a strong Lincoln supporter, and a radical Reconstructionist after the Civil War. He bought an interest in the Chicago Tribune in 1855, and after becoming a majority stockholder in 1874 he remained the active manager of the newspaper until his death (Mott 1950, 284, 347–48).
Dean Sage . . . He and Reverend Joe Twichell had been classmates in college] Sage and Twichell were already close friends when Clemens met them in the late 1860s, but no record of Sage’s attending Yale has been found. He earned his law degree at Albany Law School in 1861 (Courtney 2008, 141–42; Yale Alumni Directory 1920).
In ’73, when Reverend Henry Ward Beecher was being tried . . . guest in the Sage mansion] Beecher was accused of committing adultery with Elizabeth Tilton, a parishioner, and in August 1874 her husband, Theodore, sued him for alienation of affection. The newspapers reported daily on the trial, which ended in a hung jury in July 1875 (see AutoMT1 , 575 n. 314.38–315.1). The Sage family had a special interest in the case because Henry W. Sage had been a trustee of Beecher’s Plymouth Church for many years, and employed Beecher’s son William in his lumber business. On 13 April 1875 Clemens and Twichell arrived at the Sages for a two-night stay, and they attended Beecher’s trial together the following day ( L5: MEC and SLC to JLC and PAM, 26 Nov 1872, 231 n. 3; 3 Dec 1872 to OLL, 237–38, nn. 7–11; L6: 29? July 1874 to Twichell, 202–3 n. 2; link note preceding 18 Apr 1875 to OLC, 446, 448–49).
Along about 1873 Sage fell a victim to an attack of dysentery] Clemens recorded an incomplete version of the following anecdote at the end of the manuscript of “My Autobiography [Random Extracts from It],” written in Vienna in 1897–98. He deleted the passage when revising the manuscript in 1906 for inclusion in the autobiography (see the Textual Commentary for that sketch at MTPO ).
Source documents.
TS1 ribbon Typescript, leaves numbered 1330–40, made from Hobby’s notes and revised.TS1 carbon Typescript carbon, leaves numbered 1330–40, revised.
NAR 22pf (lost) Galley proofs of NAR 22, typeset from the revised TS1 carbon and further revised (conjecturally); now lost.
NAR 22 North American Review 186 (September 1907), 8–12: ‘Susy has . . . to suffer.’ (251.27–253.17); ‘Along about . . . with it.” ’ (253.17–255.9).
Clemens revised TS1 ribbon, and then Lyon transferred most of his revisions to TS1 carbon. Clemens then further revised TS1 carbon to serve as printer’s copy for NAR 22. NAR editor David Munro added several revisions of his own, and the dictation was published with an excerpt from the AD of 19 January 1906 (dated 12 March 1906 in NAR) and the entire AD of 20 December 1906. Several substantive changes that were introduced in NAR 22 text have been adopted as authorial revisions on the missing proofs (‘contribution’ changed to ‘interruption’ at 252.29, ‘Sage’ to ‘He’ at 253.28, and ‘eats’ to ‘gorges’ at 255.6). Punctuation changes in NAR 22 have been deemed editorial and rejected. On a separate sheet of paper, originally pinned to p. 1336 of TS1 carbon (near ‘attack of dysentery’ at 253.27), Lyon wrote the following note:
Dear Mr. Munro:
Instead of “attack of dysentery” read “illness”—?
I make the suggestion at Miss Clemens’s request. I.V.L.
That “softening” is rejected from the present text.
Marginal Notes on TS1 carbon Concerning Publication in NAR