At the banquet in honor of Ambassador Tower, last nightⒺexplanatory note, I encountered a guest, whoⒶtextual note greeted me with a formula which I hear pretty often, particularly from elderly people—

“You don’t remember me?”

I confessed. Then he told me his name. The name did not help me, I still didⒶtextual note not remember him. He said he would give me a pointer: which he did with a remark in which he lightly dropped a name—“Wapping Alice.” Full lightly he dropped it, yes, but in my private breast it made a bang like a bombshell! I remembered him then; he was a minor character in a very dramatic episode which enacted itself in our houseⒺexplanatory note many many years agoⒶtextual note—twenty-seven, to be precise. It came back to me with a sharp and sudden vividness, and I saw the whole thing again, just as it hadⒶtextual note happened so long ago; it flashed upon me bright and intense, like a midnight landscape revealed by a flood of lightning. I saw all the actors in the event, too, even to the clothes they wore, though they are all dead these many years, except this banquet-guest and me—yes, and one otherⒺexplanatory note.Ⓐtextual note

I do not remember the real name of the Swede who figures in the drama, I only remember the fantastic name our servants furnished him with, but it will answer, for it is a plenty good enough name, for him or forⒶtextual note anybody else. The time was 1880.Ⓐtextual note

ItⒶtextual note was on the 2dⒶtextual note of January of that year that we added Wapping AliceⒶtextual note to our household staff.

According to her story she was born and reared in that part of London which is called Wapping, 1880 Ⓐtextual note and the other servants soon got to calling her Wapping Alice to distinguish her from our other Alice, the colored cookⒺexplanatory note.Ⓐtextual note She came to us fresh from England; she brought noⒶtextual note recommendations, but we took her on her face. She soon made her way. She was good-heartedⒶtextual note and willing, she fitted neatly into her place, the children grew fond of her, everybodyⒶtextual note on the place had a good word for her, and we were glad of the luck that threw her in our way. She was a little frisky with herⒶtextual note h’s, but that was nothing.Ⓐtextual note

[begin page 25] Some of the ridiculous features of the incident which I am going to speak of presently will be better understood if I expose Wapping Alice’s secret here and now, in the beginning—for she had a secret. It was this: she was not a woman at all, but a man.

It is very creditable to his ingenuity that he was able to masquerade as a girl seven months and a half under all our eyes and never awake in usⒶtextual note doubt orⒶtextual note suspicion. It must not be charged that a part of the credit is due to our dulness; for no one can say that our friends and neighbors were dull people, and they were deceived as completely as we were. They knew Alice almost as well as we knew him, yet no suspicion of the fraud he was playing ever crossed their minds. He must have had years of apprenticeship in his part, or he could not have been so competentⒶtextual note in it. Why he unsexed himself wasⒶtextual note his own affair. In the excitement of the grand climax in August the matter was overlooked and he was not questioned about it.

For convenience, now, I will stop calling him “he.” Indeed, with that fair and modest and comely young creature framedⒶtextual note before me now in the mirror of my memory, it is awkward and unhandy to call it anything but “she.”

WappingⒶtextual note Alice took up her abode with us on the 2dⒶtextual note of January. The kitchen was an independent annex, built against the north side of the house; the house-entrance toⒶtextual note it was from the dining room. It consisted of two stories and a cellar; this latter was a laundry, and communicated with the house-cellar. ItⒶtextual note also had a door which opened upon the steep hillside, above the brook. All about our house was open ground; soⒶtextual note it stood by itself. When it was locked up for the night, communication with the kitchen-annex was shut off, and the annex became in effect an independent establishment. AfterⒶtextual note that, if the occupants of it wishedⒶtextual note to indulge in privacies of their own they had their opportunity: we should know nothing about it.

WappingⒶtextual note Alice and the cook had adjoining bedrooms on the second floor of the annex, over the kitchen. At fiveⒶtextual note in the morning, February 2dⒶtextual note, the burglar alarmⒶtextual note let go with an urgent clatter, and I was out on the floor before I was awake. Before I was fairly into the bath-roomⒶtextual note the clatter stopped. I turned up the gas and looked at the annunciator. One of the metal tabs was down, and was still wagging with excitement. The number exposed by it indicated the laundry door which opened upon the hillside. That was a curious thing. What was there in the annex that a burglarⒶtextual note might want? And why should he want it so early in the morning? And the weather so bitter cold, too. Ought I to go all the way down there and inquire? My curiosity was strong, but not strong enough for that. I went back to bed, and reported progress. I said there was no present danger. We could wait,Ⓐtextual note and listen for the alarm again. In case it should indicateⒶtextual note that the burglar was breaking into the dining room, we could collect the children and climb out of the front window. Then we went to sleep.

At fiveⒶtextual note the next morning the alarm rang again. I went in the bath-roomⒶtextual note and looked, and it was the laundry door once more. At breakfast I told George about it. He could not account for it, but thought maybe PatrickⒶtextual note Ⓔexplanatory note had taken a notion to come at that strangeⒶtextual note hour and fertilize the furnace because of the exceeding sharpness of the weather. It turned out that PatrickⒶtextual note had better sense. All the same the laundry rang us up at fiveⒶtextual note on [begin page 26] the succeedingⒶtextual note morning. The mystery wasⒶtextual note not wasted on the family; it made plenty of goodⒶtextual note talk for us at breakfast. And for George, too, of course; for whatever interested the rest of theⒶtextual note family interested him, for that is the way with the colored servantⒶtextual note when he is built in the right and usual way. LetⒶtextual note me explain George—with just a word or two; otherwise you may presently think that my ways with him and his ways with me were not ceremonious enough, not distant enough. Put that all out of your mind, in justice to us both. EachⒶtextual note of us knew his place,Ⓐtextual note quite well, and was in no danger of forgetting it. Let me throw some light—then you will understand:Ⓐtextual note he was an institution—he was a part of us, not an excrescence—we had a great affection for him, and he for us;Ⓐtextual note when he said to people “my family” are well, or “my family” are away, now,Ⓐtextual note and so onⒶtextual note, he meant my family, not hisⒺexplanatory note.Ⓐtextual note But to go back to the breakfast-table discussion of that burglar alarmⒶtextual note matter.Ⓐtextual note Wapping Alice was in the room during this discussion. After breakfast she asked George what a burglar alarmⒶtextual note might be. George explained it to her, and showed her how the opening of a door or a window would set it off. Well, theⒶtextual note laundry door troubled us no more. For a while we wondered at that; then the matter dropped out of our minds. The 9thⒶtextual note of June we went away for the summer. Something more than two months afterward I happened to be within a hundred miles of home, and I thought I would run up andⒶtextual note see how things were getting along there. I arrived in the gloaming and walked out from the station. On the way, a horse-car came loafing by, and a friend hailed me from its rear platform—Ⓐtextual note

“I thought that would fetch you!Ⓐtextual note How much did they get?”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t you know your house has been burglarized?”

“No.”

“George wanted it keptⒶtextual note out of the papers—Ⓐtextual noteso it didn’t get in; butⒶtextual note I supposed he telegraphed youⒶtextual note.”

“No, I haven’tⒶtextual note heard of it.”

TheⒶtextual note house and the grounds had a lonesome and forsaken look. I rang,Ⓐtextual note and got no answer. I walked all about the place, but found no one. The horses were in the stable,Ⓐtextual note but PatrickⒶtextual note and his family were gone. I went backⒶtextual note and was going to open the front door with a latch-key, but concluded to try the knob first. The door swungⒶtextual note open! It seemed anⒶtextual note odd state of things for a house that had so lately had experience of burglars. I went all over the house and the annex. Everything was in good order, but there were no human beings anywhere. So I lit up, in the library, and sat down to read and smoke, and wait.

I waited until ten at night, then George arrived. When he opened the door and saw me and the other lightsⒶtextual note, he was astonished.

“Why, when did you come, sirⒶtextual note!”

I answered with austerityⒶtextual note—meaning to impress him—Ⓐtextual note

“More than three hours ago—and found the house absolutely unprotected. The whole tribe away; no one left to take care of the place. What do you think of that kind of conduct? A burglar could have emptied the house,Ⓐtextual note unmolested.”

George was not impressed. He laughed a comfortable, care-free laugh, and said—

[begin page 27] “This house ain’t in no danger, Mr. Clemens,Ⓐtextual note don’t you worry. There ain’t a burglar that don’t know there’s a burglar alarm in this house. It’s businessⒶtextual note for them to know where there’s alarms, and they know it,Ⓐtextual note you can ’pend upon that. No, sir, they don’t tetch no house that’s got a—”

“Do you mean to say that you keep the alarm on Ⓐtextual note, day and night both?”

“No, sir, don’t keep it on at all, generally.Ⓐtextual note Just the fact is a plenty. They ain’t going to meddle here.”

“You think so, do you? Where have you all been?”

“BeenⒶtextual note down the river on the excursion boat.”

“All of you?”

“Yes, sir, the whole bilin’.”

“I think it’s scandalous. Even if there is a burglar alarm, I think you might at least lock the front door when you desert the house.”

George smiled aⒶtextual note placid smile, and said, almost languidly—Ⓐtextual note

“Well, now, we ain’t quite so far gone as all that, Mr. Clemens.Ⓐtextual note WheneverⒶtextual note we go we always lock the front door, and—”

“George, I came in without a latch-key.”

George caught his breath with a gasp, and reeled in his tracks.Ⓐtextual note The next moment he was flying up stairs like a rocket. I was almost as much startled as he was. He was gone five minutes, then he came drooping into the room, limp and weak, and swabbing his face, which had paled to the hue of old amber. He came and leaned against the bookshelvesⒶtextual note near me, and waited a little to get his breath, his breast rising and falling with his pantings. Then he gave his face a final wipe, and said—

“My souls, Mr. Clemens,Ⓐtextual note what a turn you did gimme! The front door not even on the latch, and fifteen hundred dollars hard-earned money up there betwixt my mattressesⒶtextual note!”

“Oh,” I said, “I see!Ⓐtextual note ToⒶtextual note leave my Ⓐtextual note things unprotected is a small matter;Ⓐtextual note but when it imperils yours it’s quite another matter. I’m ashamedⒶtextual note of you, George.”

“Well, now I come to look at it, I dunno but I feel mostly the same way.”Ⓐtextual note

“How did you come to have all that money in the house?—you that let on to be so careful about always banking the results ofⒶtextual note your pious robberies. Have you beenⒶtextual note betting on the revival-catch again? Is there another religious epidemic in your African church?”

I could see that that wounded him—poor old George. I knew it would, for it was probably true. It had been charged against him by the brother whom he supplanted as deacon of the church, and it was a sore spot with George, who always said it was a slander; but as he never went quite far enough to say it was a lie, and as he was something of a purist in language, this subtle discrimination was noticed by the family, to his damage. Out of love, they did not twit him with it; but out of love, I did—and rubbed it in,Ⓐtextual note sometimes.

“Mr. Clemens,Ⓐtextual note you oughtn’t to talk so—because I never done it. I do bet on horse-races, and elections, and sprints, and base ball, and foot-ballⒶtextual note, and everything that ain’t sinful and got money in it, but I never done that.”

“You didn’t, didn’t you? Well, let it go, for this time—though IⒶtextual note suppose you did. Where did you get thisⒶtextual note fifteen hundred?”

[begin page 28] “At the RochesterⒶtextual note races, day before yistiddy.”

“George! do you mean to say that you have been five hundred miles from home and left nobody but women in the house all that time?”

ButⒶtextual note George was not much troubled. He said—

“I only went for three or fourⒶtextual note days, and it ain’t likely that anybody would break into the house in that little time. Especially where there’s an alarm. AndⒶtextual note PatrickⒶtextual note was right there in hisⒶtextual note house, anyway, and nothing to do but ring him up.”

I had now artfullyⒶtextual note worked George up to the right place to spring my surprise upon him, and I touched it off:

“George, you haven’t telegraphed anything to me lately; through your happy relations with the press, the papers have been muzzled. And so you think you have managed to hide something away which you didn’t want me to find out. But your hand was not well played. George, I know everything. This house has been burglarized! And on top of this, you all go off larking and leave it to be burglarized again. Now what do you think of yourself!”

It didn’t phaze him. It didn’t start a hair. It left him as serene as a summer morning. He was theⒶtextual note most provoking creature about making a person’s calculations all go for nothing. A pleasant smile allowed a wink of his white teeth to show for a moment, and he said, comfortably—

“There hain’t been no burglars here, Mr. Clemens.Ⓐtextual note Nary a burglar.”

“Now you know better. Mr. C—Ⓔexplanatory note Ⓐtextual note told me, as I came up from the station.”

“Yes, sir. Well, he done right. I Ⓐtextual note put that up on him.Ⓐtextual note I done it for a purpose.”

“You did, did you? Well, what was your purpose?”

“I’m going to tell you all about it, Mr. Clemens.Ⓐtextual note You see, there was something happened hereⒶtextual note in the house, and it was a mystery. Yes, sir, that is what it was; it was a mystery.Ⓐtextual note I reckoned it would get out, and get in the papers, and then the family would be worried, and you would come flying here, four hundred miles, and no use in it. Fact is, I knowed the other servants couldn’t keep it, and I knowed they would rutherⒶtextual note have something big to tell than something little, so I come flat out and told them to say it was a burglar. That pleased them, of course, and they done it. Then the rest of it was easy for me. I went down to the papers and told them a noble good lie—because that ain’t no sin when you are trying to do good by it—and asked them to keep still and not scare the burglars out of town, for I was right on their track; and so they done it. NowⒶtextual note then, the thing that did happen was like this. Last Sunday we all went up to NorthamptonⒶtextual note on a little excursion—”

“Well, by gracious! The whole tribe,Ⓐtextual note of course.”

“No, sir, not all,Ⓐtextual note that time. Three or four of Patrick’sⒶtextual note children warn’t veryⒶtextual note well, but most of the others went, and Bridget andⒶtextual note Patrick.Ⓐtextual note And the rest of us went, except Wapping Alice. She allowed she’dⒶtextual note stay at home and take care of the house, and she done it.”

“She shall have a monument.”

“Yes, sir. Well, we missed the connection at Springfield,Ⓐtextual note so we comeⒶtextual note back home. We [begin page 29] got here about three in the afternoon, and there warn’t nobody in sight anywhere in these regions—just the way it always is out here Sunday afternoons in the summertimeⒶtextual note—lonesome;Ⓐtextual note perfectly gashly. It was awful hot. So we come in by the ground-floor bedroom window,Ⓐtextual note because it was handier than the annex, and come in here where it was cool.Ⓐtextual note We set down here and begunⒶtextual note to chat along. Now I had put the front door on the alarm that morning, and didn’t say anything about it. I most always done so when we went on excursions—sometimes, anyway, if I thought of it.Ⓐtextual note So we was settingⒶtextual note here chatting, and the doors into the dining roomⒶtextual note was spread apart a piece—about a foot. I was settingⒶtextual note just where you are now, and could see throughⒶtextual note that crack. All of a sudden I see a man go past it!Ⓐtextual note It give me such a start I couldn’t get my breath for as much as ten seconds; then I sung out ‘By jimminy,Ⓐtextual note there’s a man!’ and we jumped for the hall door. Just then,Ⓐtextual note zzzzzip! went the alarm, then the front door banged to, and it stopped. I was there in a second, and out; and see a young man sailing over the sward like a deer. Now whateverⒶtextual note went with him I couldn’t make out;Ⓐtextual note but when I got to the upper gateⒶtextual note he warn’t anywhere in sight.

“So then we come back, and looked the house over,Ⓐtextual note and nothing was gone. That is,Ⓐtextual note I told them to search the house and I would search the annex. We set here and talked it over, and over, and over, and over. Couldn’t seem to get enoughⒶtextual note of it. I told them everything was all rightⒶtextual note, in the annex, and Wapping Alice sleeping like a graveyard; nothing hadn’t disturbed her. So then we agreed on burglary, and they said they would go out and take a walk. I judged they would. And I judged it would be a long one, if they met up with a good many friends that was interested in burglaries.

“I had a chance to set down and think, now. I turned this and that andⒶtextual note t’otherⒶtextual note thing over in my headⒶtextual note for about an hour, and pieced them together,Ⓐtextual note and when I was done I had made up my mind. What do youⒶtextual note reckon it was, Mr. Clemens?”Ⓐtextual note

“I don’t know. What was it,Ⓐtextual note George?”

“Well, sir, this was it. I says to myself, I don’t want to wrong nobody, and anybody that knows me knows it ain’t my disposition; but it’s my opinion that Wapping AliceⒶtextual note ain’t what she ought to be.”

“Oh, nonsense!”

“I hope it is, Mr. Clemens;Ⓐtextual note there wouldn’t be anybody gladder than me; for I am like the rest—I like Wapping Alice, and wouldn’t hurt a hair of her head for the world. And she’s far from her home and her people, too, poor thing, and I ain’t no dog, and can feel for that.”Ⓐtextual note

“What things did you piece together, George, to build up that wild idea?”

“Well, sir,Ⓐtextual note it’s curious. The first thing that come into my head didn’t seem to have any business there, and took me by surprise. Do you remember, sir,Ⓐtextual note the time the alarm went off three mornings last February, long before daylight? That was it. You know it warn’t ever accounted for.”

“I know, but how does that connect itself with this remote matter?”

“Well, the third morning, Wapping Alice was in the breakfast room when we was all talking about it; and she asked me what a burglar alarm was, and I told her. Now, Mr. Clemens,Ⓐtextual note the landryⒶtextual note didn’t wake you up any more after that.”

[begin page 30] “Come, that was well thought out. Go on.”

“The next thing that come into my head was this. Last January theⒶtextual note plumbers ripped out some wood-workⒶtextual note to get at a leakyⒶtextual note pipe, and a young carpenter was here a couple of days putting it back. A young Swede he was, by the name of Bjurnsen Bjuggersen BjorgensenⒺexplanatory note. Turrible name, and oversized him considerable, so it seemed to me, but that was it—or in that neighborhood.Ⓐtextual note He set around in the kitchen a good deal, chatting, because he was working by the day and that always makes a person tirederⒶtextual note than the other kind, and so we all got to know him pretty well, and liked him. About the 1stⒶtextual note June I went into Wapping Alice’s room one morning, and there was a suit of men’s clothes laying there, and she was half-soling the seatⒶtextual note of the pants. I asked her about it and she said she was mending them up for the young carpenter—he asked her to do it. So that come into my head, now, I didn’t know why.

“Thinking it over, I remembered another thing. When I was telling her about the burglar alarm that morning, I smelt her breath, and there was liquor on it. That was curious, because there ain’t any but locked-upⒶtextual note liquor in this house, and I keep the key. She got that liquor outside. I never thought any moreⒶtextual note about it then; butⒶtextual note this time when it come up in my mind, I reckoned maybe she turned out at fiveⒶtextual note in the morning, being dry, which is natural to the English, and tramped down to the UnionⒶtextual note and moistened up. Well, it would have made a fine stir if she had done it in women’s clothes. SoⒶtextual note I judged maybe she disguised herself as a man and done it. How does that seem to strike you?”Ⓐtextual note

“Pretty thin, George. Still, it will do for a link if you can’t find anything better.”

“But I reckon I can. IⒶtextual note told the girls I found Wapping Alice sleeping like a graveyard. It warn’t strictly true, Mr. Clemens.Ⓐtextual note She warn’t in her room; she warn’t in the house at all.”

“Is that so?”

“She warn’t in the house at all. Now, then, when I had thought out my think, I says to myself, it stands like this: Wapping Alice knowedⒶtextual note we was to be off on the excursion two days—”

“Two days! Well, I’ll be—”

“Mr. Clemens,Ⓐtextual note you oughtn’t to swear.”

“I didn’t swear, and I wasn’t even thinking of it. But a person could be forgiven for it if he did, considering the way things go on in this house the minute we turnⒶtextual note our backs. Go on!”

“Well,Ⓐtextual note as I was saying, sir,Ⓐtextual note I says to myself it stands like this: Wapping Alice couldn’t know we were back and down there chatting in the library, and so, being dry, she reckoned she was perfectly safe to slip on her breeches and things and go out and oil up. If it was her, she heard me shout, and knowed she was out of luck this time. And if it was her, she would know we wouldn’t be in the house long, but would go out excursioning around somewhere and passing the time, then she could slide back and get into her own clothes again. So I just set still and waited. Well, sir, sure enough, just as it was getting most dark, hereⒶtextual note she comes stretching and yawning into the library in her own clothes, and let on to be astonished to see me back from Northampton,Ⓐtextual note and said she had most slept her head off, and I said, pretty sharp, ‘BlameⒶtextual note your catsⒶtextual note you ought to [begin page 31] slept it clear off; it ain’t any good to you in a time of trouble; there’s been a man in the house, and if we had all been as sleepy-headed as you he would have got away with the whole place.’Ⓐtextual note She pretended to be ever so sorry she was asleep, but I reckonedⒶtextual note she got considerable comfort out of the notion that she hadn’t been found out. Now, then, Mr. Clemens,Ⓐtextual note that is the case the way it stands. You see, yourself, that it warn’t of any importance, and not worth disturbing the family about. And so I put it up on the papers for a burglary, and got them to keep still and give it a chance to blow offⒶtextual note and pass away. I warn’t thinking about myself, I done it for the family’s sake, to save them from worry. Wasn’t I right?”

“George, you are always right. Half the time I don’t believe it, but to keep peace in the family it is safest to let on to. It’s an idiotic family, and thinks you know more than the dictionary. You have figured this matter out pretty well, for an unprofessional, but it is pretty hard on Wapping Alice, George. To sum up, what do you think of her now?”

“Well, Mr. Clemens,Ⓐtextual note I still think what I said before: she ain’t what she ought to be.”

“You don’t think there is anything really bad about her, do you?”

“Yes, sir, I do. I think she drinks.”

“Is that Ⓐtextual note all?”

GeorgeⒶtextual note was speechless for a moment, then he said, with deep solemnity—

“All? Mr. Clemens,Ⓐtextual note ain’t that enough?”

I had a reason for asking the next question.

“George, are you sure—I mean are you perfectly sure—that you aren’tⒶtextual note a little prejudiced against Alice?”

It made George uncomfortable. I was expecting it would. He coughed an embarrassed coughⒶtextual note or two, loosened his collar with his fingers, and presently found speech.

“You mean the joke she played on me,Ⓐtextual note Mr. Clemens?”Ⓐtextual note

“Yes.”

“Well, sir, I give you my word I done quit worrying ’bout it. It was scanlous—it was just scanlous—but she didn’t mean no harm. There ain’t no malice in her. She’s the best-heartedⒶtextual note girl there is; and if a person is pore or in trouble there ain’t nothing she won’t do for them. They can have everything she’s got; and everything anybody else has got, too, if she can get aholt of it. But Ⓐtextual note—when it comes to joking—oh, my land! Mr. Clemens,Ⓐtextual note she can’t help it; it’s born in her. She ain’t got no resisting power. If she see a chance to play a joke and couldn’t play it, I believe it would kill her. She keeps the kitchen in a sweat; we don’t ever know what’s acomingⒶtextual note next. Now then—”

“George, you are wandering from the subject. You always do, when I bring up that joke. I never can manage to pump your version of it out of you. You always go palavering off on side issues. Why is that?”

“Now Mr. Clemens,Ⓐtextual note I don’t like to talk about that joke. It was just scanlous. Why, it went all over this countyⒶtextual note; yes, sir, andⒶtextual note clean out to Gilroy.Ⓐtextual note Everybody knows me in this town, little and big; and I hardly das’t toⒶtextual note show up anywheres for four weeks, they kept at me so. Now Major Kinney, and Mr. Bunce, and Mr. Robinson, and Mr. Hubbard, and Gen’lⒺexplanatory note—”Ⓐtextual note

[begin page 32] “Well, never mind, George, let it go. I see I am never going to bring you to book. I think you would dodge around that joke a yearⒶtextual note and never step over the outside edge of it. Tell me—have you ever examined that laundry door?”

George cheered up and looked relieved.

“No, sir, not as I remember. What would I do it for?”

“Well, your tale makes me think it will bear it. I wonder at you, George. Such a good detective and not think of that.”

We went down and examined; and sure enough the ends of theⒶtextual note metal pegs which made the electric connection had been filed off till they no longer touched the plate when the door was swung open.

“George, you explained the function of these pegs to Wapping Alice?”

“Yes, sir; and of course she went and filed them off, and that door hain’t been on the alarm since the first week of last February. I ain’t got no more to say; I’m just a fool.”

“No, you mustn’t say that, because it includes me, and isn’t respectful. I ought to have examined the door last February.”

Up to this time this whole matter had seemed trifling to me, but it suddenly began to look cloudy, now. The laundry door had been tampered with for a purpose. George said—

“Yes sir; andⒶtextual note it was done so as Wapping Alice could put on men’s clothes and slide out whenever she wanted to, and liquor up. I am more set, now, than ever, that that girl ain’t what she ought to be. Mr. Clemens,Ⓐtextual note if I had my way, I’d make her take the pledge before she’s a day older; I’d do it as shore as I’m aⒶtextual note standing here.”Ⓐtextual note

Privately,Ⓐtextual note I went further than that. I believed that Alice was harboring sneak-thieves. I felt sure that an exhaustive search of the house would show that a thousand little things had been carried off.

I resolved to hold a court in the morning, and fan out the evidence and get at the bottom factsⒶtextual note of this dark episode.Ⓐtextual note I woke refreshed, and ready for business. Eager to begin, too; all alive with the noveltyⒶtextual note and interest and mystery of the situation, and sure I could manage itⒶtextual note in as imposing style as any detective in the land, except George. When George brought up my breakfast we discussed and matured the plans; then he went down and sent up the witnesses, one at a time, and I questioned them separately. Last of all came Wapping Alice. She had on a white summer gown, with a pink ribbon at the throat,Ⓐtextual note and looked very neat and comely and attractiveⒶtextual note and modest; also troubled and downcast. I questioned her gently, on this, that andⒶtextual note the other point, and found her cautious, evasive and reluctant. She kept slipping through my fingers all the time; I never could quite catch her, anywhere. I was forced to admire her penetration and her ingenuity. I was not able to arrange anyⒶtextual note trap which she would walk into. Still I was making progress, and she could see it. She didⒶtextual note not know what the previous witnesses had said, and this was a hindrance to her. Every now and then, consequently, I was able to drop a surprise [begin page 33] on her which disordered her story and made difficulties for her. She was determined she wouldn’t know that there had been a man in the house. No, it could be that there had been a man, and of course there had been, since the othersⒶtextual note said so, but she had no personal knowledge of it.

However, I gradually drove her into a corner; and at last when I thought the right time had come, I sprung my final surprise and showed all my cards. I wove the storiesⒶtextual note of the servants into a clear and compact narrative, and reeled it off like a person who had been behind the door and seen it all. The astonishmentⒶtextual note that rose in her face, and grew, and grew, as I went along—ah, well, it was an inspiration to me! It was as if I was plucking the secretest privacies out of her heart, one by one, and displaying them before her amazed eyes.Ⓐtextual note When I had finished she seemedⒶtextual note dazed, and said humbly—

“I see it is no use, sir; you know all. I am a poor friendlessⒶtextual note girl. I do not know what to do,” and she stood there pitifully twining and untwining her fingers and gazing down at the carpet. And to tell the truth, it brought the moisture to my eyes.Ⓐtextual note

“Make a clean breast, Alice; it is the only wise and honest thing to do.”

After a struggle she said she would do it, and she began. This is the substance of her story.Ⓐtextual note

That young Swede, Bjurnsen BjuggersenⒶtextual note Bjorgensen,Ⓐtextual note did some joiner-work in the house in January, and when itⒶtextual note was finishedⒶtextual note he was out of work and remained so. In the kitchen they all liked him and were sorry for him.Ⓐtextual note Presently he had nowhereⒶtextual note to sleep and nothing to eat. She took pity on him and secretly allowed him to sleep in our main cellar—in a part of it which had been walled off for a bowling alley and afterwards neglected and never used, and never visited. She made a pallet for him there. Also she carried food there for him. She warned him to enter, nights,Ⓐtextual note before Patrick went his final rounds—Ⓐtextual noteten o’clock—Ⓐtextual noteand get out before heⒶtextual note came in the morning to replenish the furnace. There was a lockⒶtextual note on the laundryⒶtextual note door, but it was never used; the burglar alarm was protection enough. She knew the lock was not used, but she knew nothing about the burglar alarm. She learned about it the third timeⒶtextual note that it raisedⒶtextual note me out of bed. George explained the thing to her; then Bjurnsen Bjorgensen filed off the ends of the metal pegs, and after that he came and went at any hour he pleased.Ⓐtextual note

“Ever since?”

“Yes sir; he has slept in the cellar all these months. When there was excursions he would come daytimes. He was free of the whole house, then. But he never took anything, sir. He was perfectly honest. I mended his clothes for him, I made that pallet for him, I fedⒶtextual note him all these months. I hope you will forgive me, sir; I’m but a poor girl and I never meant any harm.”

“Forgive you? Why, hang it, you poor good-hearted thing,Ⓐtextual note you haven’t done anything to forgive. I was afraid he was a thief, that’s all. And so there’s been all this pow-wow about just nothing. I thought there was going to be something dramatic, something theatrical, and now it’s all spoiltⒶtextual note; it’s enough to make a man swearⒶtextual note. You ought to be taken out and drowned for it. But never mind, let it go; there’s nothing but disappointments in this world, anyhowⒶtextual note. GoⒶtextual note along about your work, and leave me to my sorrows. [begin page 34] But there’s one thing—that young fellow ought to be veryⒶtextual note grateful to you; you’ve been a good friend to him, Alice.”

SheⒶtextual note suddenly broke down andⒶtextual note burst out sobbing as if her heart would break.Ⓐtextual note

“Grateful? Him Ⓐtextual note? Oh, sir, he—he—” Through the breaks in her sobs words escaped which conveyed a paralysing revelation.

“What!”Ⓐtextual note

“Oh, dear-dear, it is too true, sir—andⒶtextual note now he won’t marry me! And I a poor friendless girl in a strange land.”

“Won’t marry you! Oh, he won’t, won’t he? We’ll see about that!”

The rage I was in—well, a rage like that exhausts a person more in half an hour than a forty-mile walk. I sent the girl away and got back to bed. I told her to keepⒶtextual note her secret to herself and tell George I wanted to see him. When he came I spread the ghastly facts before him, and they nearly straightened his wool with horror and indignation. And he was astonished and grieved at young Bjorgensen’s conduct. He said he was as nice and good-hearted and manly a young fellow as he ever saw, and he couldn’t ever have dreamed such things of him.

First, we telephoned for Reverend Thomas X.; next,Ⓐtextual note we laid plans for the marriage of that couple. I said I would teach that scampⒶtextual note a lesson that he wouldn’t forget till he was a widower. By the time the plans were completed, Mr. X. was with us. The Reverend Joe TwichellⒶtextual note was off on his vacationⒺexplanatory note, and Tom was supplying his pulpit. Next to Joe, he was the choicest man in the world for this kind of a circus. He was lovely, all through, like Joe, and he had Joe’s luxuriant passion for adventure and doing good. He was fatter than Joe; a good deal fatter, and the hot weather made a kind of perennial water-works of him; but no matter, his good heart was touched by the tale weⒶtextual note told him, and heⒶtextual note was ready to shed his last drop of perspiration in the cause, for he knew our Alice well, and liked her, and was outraged by her pitiful fate. He took the names and ages of the couple, and wentⒶtextual note off down to the town clerk’s to get the licenseⒶtextual note. He was to arrive at our house at sevenⒶtextual note sharp, in the evening, and shut himself up in the bath-roomⒶtextual note attached to what we called the schoolroom, and sweat there till he was wantedⒶtextual note; it was on the second floor, over the library.

Wapping Alice was to send a note by hand to her unintentionalⒶtextual note intended, and invite him to come out atⒶtextual note eightⒶtextual note o’clock sharp, and spend the evening.

George was to telephone the chief of policeⒺexplanatory note andⒶtextual note ask him to furnish me an officer in plain clothes, and have him at the house at sharp seven thirtyⒶtextual note, where George would be on the lookout for him and shut him up in the library. He was to stay there until I should ring a bell—one stroke.Ⓐtextual note

I was to be alone in the schoolroom at eightⒶtextual note; WappingⒶtextual note Alice was to receive BjuggersenⒶtextual note Bjorgensen at the front door, betray him into the schoolroom, where I was,Ⓐtextual note and thenⒶtextual note glide into the nursery, adjoining,Ⓐtextual note and leave him to me.

At sixⒶtextual note in the evening the servants were to be let into the secret. They were then to dress in gala; then shut themselves up in the kitchen and stay there until I rang three bells—the signal that the wedding was ready to begin, and witnesses wanted.

[begin page 35] On the dining roomⒶtextual note table there was to be moisture for the crowd, to finish up the wedding with,Ⓐtextual note and no charge for corkage.

My native appetite for doing things in a theatrical way feasted itself with a relish on this spectacular program. George admired the arrangement, too, and was proud of his share in contriving it. He said it was one of the showiest things he had ever helped to put together. Then we fidgeted around and waited. It was a feverish long afternoon for us, but it dragged itself through, and the twilight began to gather and deepen at last.

No hitch occurred anywhere. EachⒶtextual note actor was in his place at his appointed time. At sevenⒶtextual note the Reverend Tom arrived, andⒶtextual note was shown up stairs and shut into the bath-roomⒶtextual note; at seven thirtyⒶtextual note the policeman arrived and was shut up in the library; at seven forty-fiveⒶtextual note I was in the schoolroom; at eightⒶtextual note the bridegroom was with me, and the bride had taken post in the nursery. The curtain was up, the performance ready to begin.Ⓐtextual note

Bjorgensen was startled when he saw me, and began to apologize, supposing there had been a mistake; but I said it was all right, I was expecting him. He did not want to sit down, and said he should feel more comfortable standing; but I insisted persuasively, and presently he yielded and took a chair—the edge of it. He seemed a good deal perplexed, and a trifle uneasy.

He was a handsome young fellow, with a good face and aⒶtextual note clear eye, and I noticed with some concern that he was able to throw me out of the window in case he should want to. His Alice had fed him well.Ⓐtextual note I opened up the conversation with ordinary topics, for it was my purpose to thaw him out and get him into a comfortable and persuadable frame of mind before I should enter upon the main business. I meant to keep at him until I made him laugh, if it took all night. It was hard work, and long; but it won. At the end of half an hour he let go a hearty and unconstrained laugh, and I recognized that things were in shape now to call game.

So then I drifted along gradually into a revealment of the fact that I knew he had been sleeping in our cellar for months; that he had been seen to pass through the house; and that he had destroyed the electric connection which guarded the laundry and indeed the whole establishment. I told the story sorrowfully, and in a reproachful voice, and the cheerfulness gradually faded out of his face, and his head droopedⒶtextual note in shame.

There was a painful silence now, for some moments, for I pausedⒶtextual note to let the effects work up; then I said—

“Alice was your benefactor—your benefactor, do you understand? She saved you, she nourished you, she protected you when you were friendless. And forⒶtextual note reward—you take away her purity!”

He jumped as if he had been shot, and his face was transfigured with fury.

“I? Who says I did!”

“She says so.”

“She lies! To the bottom of her soul she lies!”

Confound him, he almost convinced me. He went raging up and down the room, denying, protesting, almost crying; and really it was pitiful to see. But I had my duty to [begin page 36] perform for that poor girl, and I hardened my heart and held to my purpose. Now and then I said a soothing word, and urged him to tranquillizeⒶtextual note himself and sit down and let us have a quiet, reasonable talk over the matter and see if we could not arrive at an adjustment that would be fair and satisfactory to both parties. And I said—

“You see, there is really only one right and honorable thing for you to do—only one—you must marry her.”

It warmed his fury up to boiling-point again.

“Marry her! I’d see her hanged a hundred times, first, and then I wouldn’t. Marry her! Why in the nation should I marry her?”

“Why, what objection have you?”

“Objection! Oh, great guns! Why I don’t care anything for her beyond warm friendship—there’s no love. Why in the world should I marry her?—I don’t want a wife.”

I said, coaxingly—Ⓐtextual note

“Ah, but consider the hard circumstances. Here she is,Ⓐtextual note a poor girl far from home, and her good name gone; surely you will have pity on her. Think—Ⓐtextual noteto you is granted a gracious and noble privilege: you can make an honest woman of her.”

“But I don’t want the privilege; and I won’t have it! If her character needs coopering up, I Ⓐtextual note can’t help that. It isn’t any affair of mine. Why am I Ⓐtextual note selected out for the job. Privilege, you call it! It just makes me want to rip and curse—that’s what it does.”

I soothed him further. At least I meant it for that.

“Mind, Bjorgensen, I am not blaming you for denying it—far from it. Anybody would—first off; I would myself. For when we are excited we say thingsⒶtextual note which we are not really responsible for. I am not blaming you. You are excited, now; but when you get cool, and are your own honest, honorable self again—”

He threw up his hands in a sort of agony of despair, and said—

“Ah, how did I ever get into this awful mess! Mr. Clemens,Ⓐtextual note don’t Ⓐtextual note you believe me?—can’t you believe me?”

Hang it, I was touched; but I had a duty to perform, and I put my weakness aside and kept my grip. By gentle persuasions I at last got the young fellow to come and sit down again; and with a proper delicacy I turnedⒶtextual note my head away, for the tears were running down his face. I said—

“WellⒶtextual note, you know, Bjorgensen, that I haven’t merely Alice’s testimony. It is formidablyⒶtextual note backed up—more than that—convincingly backed up—made unshakable—”

“How?”

“By circumstantial evidence. You spent a hundred and fifty nights in our cellar; your presence was known to only one person; that person secretly fed and bedded you there; that person was a simple, confiding, unprotected girl. Answer me, now, out of your own common sense: with these facts back of Alice’s testimony, what would a jury say?”

It wrung a groan from him.

“Lord help me!” he said. “I never thought of that; never thought how it would look.”Ⓐtextual note He sat silent a while—hunting for a straw to catch at. Then he said, in an aggressive tone, [begin page 37] “But it wouldn’t be proof, say what you may;Ⓐtextual note a court would have to admit that I could have been there for—for—”

“BurglaryⒶtextual note, for instance?”

It made him jump.

“Mr. Clemens,Ⓐtextual note I make solemn oath that I never took even so much as a straw; I swear that I—”

“YesⒶtextual note—but that is not toⒶtextual note the purpose. And it is not important. Quite aside from that, you were guilty,—byⒶtextual note your own admission five minutes ago—Ⓐtextual noteof a crime which can send you to State prison for ten years.”

“Who? I?”

“You.”

“What was it?”

“House-breaking. You entered by unlawful means. You destroyed the safeguardⒶtextual note of the laundry door.”

He was quaking all over, now, and his breath wasⒶtextual note coming and going in gasps.

“Mr. Clemens,Ⓐtextual note is that a penitentiary offence? Oh, take it back, take it back! Don’t say it!”

“But I must. It is only the truth.”

He dropped his elbows on the table, and his head in his hands, and moaned and grieved. Presently, all of a sudden he looked up and set his eyes on mine with such a fierce light in them that it gave me a start.

“ThisⒶtextual note is a game!” he shouted, and brought his fist down on the table with a crash. “It’s a game that you’ve put up on me; that’s what it is—a game to forceⒶtextual note me to marry that lying baggage. I see it all. Now deny it if you can!”

“I am not denying it. It is a game; and I am playing this end of it.”

“You mean you have played it. And you’ve lost, too. I’ll never marry that girl—no, not if I live a thousand years! Now, then, what are you going to do about it!”Ⓐtextual note

“You will be a married man inside of an hour. Or—”Ⓐtextual note

“Or what?” he scoffed.

“Go to jail. Take your choice.”Ⓐtextual note

That warmed up his scorn. He rose, took his hat, and made a fine and rather elaborate bow, and said—

“I wish you a very good evening, sir.Ⓐtextual note When you start out another time to play a game, you want to look at your cards, first, and see how much they are worth. And next time you start in to scare a man, you want to select better. Pleasant evening, to you, dear sir.Ⓐtextual note Good-bye.”

“Good-bye. Pleasant evening. Allow me—I will touch the bell. You will find a policeman down stairs who will help you out.”

I put my finger on the button, and waited. The color went out of the young fellow’s face, and he said, with a rather dubious attempt at bluster—

“That don’t scare, either.”

[begin page 38] “All right. Shall I ring?”

He hesitated, then his confidence forsook him, and he said—

“No. Wait.” He came and sat down. He mused a moment or two, then said, “Mr.Ⓐtextual note Clemens,Ⓐtextual note I put it toⒶtextual note you on your honor: is there an officer down there?”

“There is. Your time is short.Ⓐtextual note Look at the clock. It is five minutes to ten. You may have the lacking five to make up your mind in. At ten you marry, or go to jail.”Ⓐtextual note

It was time to walk the floor again. Any person in his circumstances would know that. He got up and did it. Sometimes moaning, sometimes swearing; always trying to find some way out of his bitter toils, and not succeeding. At last I put my finger on the button, and began to count, solemnly—

“One—two—three—”Ⓐtextual note

“Damn her eyes, I’ll marry her! Oh, it’s awful—awful. But I’veⒶtextual note got to do it, and I will. I’ll marry her next winter, I give you my word.”

“Why not now?”

“ Now Ⓐtextual note? I reckon youⒶtextual note are forgetting one or two details?”

“Which ones?”

“License—preacher—Ⓐtextual notewitnesses—and so onⒶtextual note.”

“Oh, you think so! Tom! Alice!” They entered. I touched the bellⒶtextual note—three times, then once—to fetch the others. TheⒶtextual note whole gang burst in on the instant, policeman and allⒶtextual note; they had been listening at the keyhole.Ⓐtextual note

Alice wasⒶtextual note dressed to kill; so were her mates. The Reverend Tom was melted away to half his size, and had hardly strength enough to get about. It must have been a frightful twoⒶtextual note hoursⒶtextual note in that little blistering bath-roomⒶtextual note for a fat man like that. In my time I have seen millions of astonished carpenters,Ⓐtextual note but not all of them put together wereⒶtextual note as astonished as our bridegroom. It knocked him groggy; and he wasⒶtextual note a married man before he knew what he was about. AtⒶtextual note the preacher’s suggestion he kissed the bride—it didn’t seem to taste over-good to him—Ⓐtextual noteand said to me, with a sigh—

“It’s your game, sir.Ⓐtextual note What a hand you held!”

Then they all cleared for the dining room below and the refreshments, and Tom and I sat down, I to smoke and he to fan; and we talked the whole grand thing over, and wereⒶtextual note very, very happy and content. And he put his hand in blessing on my head, and said, with tears in his voice—

“Mark,Ⓐtextual note dear boy, you will be forgiven many a sin for the nobleⒶtextual note deed you have done this night.”

I was touched, myself.

JustⒶtextual note then George staggered in, looking stunnedⒶtextual note and weak, and said—

“That Wapping Alice—blame her skin, she’s a man!”

And so it turned out. She explained that it had never occurred to her to make that dire charge against poor Bjorgensen till I complained that the outcome of the original episode wasn’t theatrical enough. She thought she could mend that defect. Well, her effort wasn’t bad—you see it, yourself.Ⓐtextual note I keep calling her she Ⓐtextual note—I can’t help it; I mean he.

The couple never lived together, nor had any family.Ⓐtextual note