I will resume the English excursion presently, but not yet, because I wish to talk now about an absurd matter which is of immediate and lively interest to me. As a sort of starting-point I will insert the following newspaper-accountⒶtextual note of a meeting which took place in New York yesterday evening, the 25th.

I have been having an experience which reminds me of a collapsed balloon. I once saw that kind of a balloon. It soared showily skyward, out of a sea of admiring upturned faces, and its aspect was quite sublime; its distended bulk was very impressive; then it exploded, and when it reached the ground it lay there a mere wrinkled and crinkled rag, with none so poor to do it honorⒺexplanatory note.

Since early last May a World’s Fair has been struggling along at Jamestown, VirginiaⒺexplanatory note, in commemoration of the settling of that village three hundred years ago by Englishmen—the first effort of white people to establish a colony in AmericaⒺexplanatory note. The village itself has disappeared, but the event remains, and still occupies a paragraph in the histories. I went down with Mr.Ⓐtextual note H. H. Rogers, in his yacht, the Kanawha, in May,Ⓐtextual note and witnessed the opening of the FairⒺexplanatory note. That was the President’s Day, so called, and he was there and made one of his ten thousand speeches. Since then there has been an Army Day; also a Naval Day; also a Virginia Day; also a Georgia Day, and divers other Days—the usual plan for drawing crowds to World’s Fairs in the hope of saving them from bankruptcy. Cornelius Vanderbilt is President of the Robert Fulton Monument Fund Association, and I am Vice PresidentⒶtextual note. I became Vice PresidentⒶtextual note a year or two ago upon the solicitation of Major GeneralⒶtextual note Fred GrantⒺexplanatory note, the son of his father—a high and sufficient distinction; he has no other, but is a good man and a good citizen—virtues which not even his enemies, if he has any, will deny him. He did not earn his major-generalship, but neither did the horse-doctor, Leonard Wood, earn his; and neither did the dishonorable FunstonⒺexplanatory note earn his soiled brigadiership. However, those remarks in passing——they are not important. I stipulated that I should be merely a figurehead Vice PresidentⒶtextual note, with no duties to perform and nothing to do but pose; still the thing happened that has always happened in these cases—every now and then the Association has put a burden upon me, and I have wept and mourned, but have ended by carrying it.

[begin page 139] In the grand stand at Jamestown, last May, Mr. Dearborn, second Vice PresidentⒶtextual noteof the Association and its one active and energetic member and promoter, said that there was to be a Robert Fulton Day the 23dⒶtextual note of the coming September, and that ex-President Grover Cleveland, whom I regard as the greatest and purest American citizen, and only American statesman now living, was to be the orator of the occasion, and I was asked if I would come to Jamestown on that occasion and introduce him to the multitude in the Auditorium. Mr. Rogers spoke up and said that if I would do it he would place the Kanawha at my disposal, and I could bring down Mr. Cleveland and his suite in proper state. I said I should be glad to invite Mr. Cleveland to be my guest in the yacht if Harry Rogers, junior,Ⓐtextual note would accompany me as executive officer and relieve me of all responsibility as regarded the ship. Harry accepted, and the matter was settled there and then. I am fond of pomp and fuss and display, and when Mr. Dearborn went on to tell me the program for Robert Fulton Day I was intoxicatedⒶtextual note with it. Here are some of the details: there would be a squadron of seventeen yachts of the New York Yacht Club beside Commodore Cornelius Vanderbilt’s North Star and our Kanawha; the squadron would sail from New York at two in the afternoon of the 22dⒶtextual note of September, the North Star in the lead, the Kanawha second, and the others following after—a handsome, imposing, and snow-white spectacle. At eight the next morning the squadron would halt and form in the Bay off Old Point Comfort; Commodore Vanderbilt with his suite would pay a formal visit to Mr. Cleveland, on board the Kanawha, and be piped over the side like an admiral; he would return to the North Star, signal the advance and get under weigh, with his tailⒶtextual note of eighteen yachts following in his wake, two hundred yards apart; at a considerable distance up the Bay we should see a double column of foreign and American battleshipsⒶtextual note lying at anchor, with a space of four hundred yards between each two,Ⓐtextual note and up the lane between these majestic creatures we should sail, all our yachts dressed in a fluttering wilderness of gay flags; at the moment that the Kanawha should find herself between the first two battleshipsⒶtextual note those two would break out in flags from stem to stern, their invisible multitude of white-clad sailors would instantly appear, linked together, hand in hand, along the yards, and also at that moment those two battleshipsⒶtextual note would thunder forth an ex-president’s salute of seven guns. All this would be repeated, ship by ship, as we plowed our way up the mile-long lane; and then if one looked back he would see a striking picture, if it was a calm day, for on the water would lie two towering mile-long mountain-rangesⒶtextual note of white smoke densely enveloping the battleshipsⒶtextual note, and not one of them visible through it.

This stately ceremony accomplished, the yachts would come to anchor in a group off the Exposition pier, a mile from shore, and absorb breakfast; at ten o’clock I should convey my guest, and his suite, to the pier in the launch, Commodore Vanderbilt and suite following; on the pier we should be received in style by the minor officials of the Robert Fulton Association, with a military band to help; I should deliver my guest to these officials, and they in turn would deliver him to the President and chief officials of [begin page 140] the Jamestown Fair; then all would proceed in carriages to the Auditorium and mount the platform; after music by the great organ I would introduce the ex-President, and he would deliver his oration; at twelve o’clock there would be a grand military review of infantry, cavalry, and artillery before the guest of honor, Major GeneralⒶtextual note Grant commanding in person; at one o’clock there would be a state luncheon, with the governors of sixteenⒶtextual note States, with their suites, in uniform, present, along with the uniformed chief officials of the military contingentⒶtextual note and those of the battleshipsⒶtextual note; at three o’clock there would be a public reception in the Auditorium, by Mr. Cleveland, assisted by the grandchildren and great-grandchildren of Robert Fulton, and by Commodore Vanderbilt andⒶtextual note me; at seven-thirty in the evening Major GeneralⒶtextual note Grant would give a grand banquet to Mr. Cleveland and the others, at which there would be speeches—this in the big Hotel ChamberlinⒶtextual note at Old Point Comfort; at half pastⒶtextual note ten, in the great ball-room of the same hotel, the President and other officials of the Jamestown Fair would give a grand ball in honor of Mr. Cleveland; also there was to be a race for the King of England’s Cup; also fireworks; alsoⒶtextual note races by the crews of the battleshipsⒶtextual note—but I do not remember when these gayetiesⒶtextual note were to have place. However, it was to be a day or two of wonders and excitementsⒶtextual note and exalting and gratifying display, and I was glad that I was going to be in it.

But hang it, it was all a dream! The entire program was built, from the ground up, out of suppositions. But I didn’t know that; I supposed that these handsome arrangements had all been actually made, not merely dreamed. As soon as I got back to Tuxedo I sent my invitation to Mr. Cleveland, at Princeton, and presently I sailed for England on my Oxford errand, and was gone until the 23dⒶtextual note of July. Meantime I had learned by newspaper cablegrams, in London, that Mr. Cleveland had been stricken down with an alarming illness. Mrs. Cleveland wrote me that it would now be too great a risk for Mr. Cleveland to accept; that it would probably be long before he was fully recovered from his illness.

I then discovered an astonishing thing, to wit—that Mr. Vanderbilt had gone to Europe without sending the invitation to Mr. Cleveland, therefore I had offered transportation to him when he had not been invited to go and couldn’t know whether he was going to need any transportation or not. It also transpired, presently, that when the invitation did go to Mr. Cleveland it went by mail, under a two-cent stamp, instead of being carried to him by an officer of the Association, or by some other properly qualified envoy. To treat an ex-president of the United States in this way was not merely shabby, it was indecent.

Very well, our orator had failed, the breaking down and disintegrating of our grandeurs had begun—begun never to stop. As the 22dⒶtextual note of September drew fatefully near, and nearer, and still nearer, detail after detail of our great program crumbled away; toward the last Mr. Dearborn said it seemed impossible to secure an orator, and therefore it would now become a Mark Twain Day in spite of anything that could be done to prevent it—therefore I might as well take upon myself the oratorship; in fact I must Ⓐtextual note do it. But I said “No.” I said if they could get an orator I wouldn’t give him [begin page 141] transportation, but I would go down in the yacht and introduce himⒺexplanatory note. An orator was finally secured, and he was a good one, too, and competent—although he was pretty nearly an unknown man.

It was Mr. Littleton, of New YorkⒺexplanatory note. I feel sure he will not remain unknown; I shall watch his career with interest. He is young, but he will get over that; it is a point in his favor.

On the 21st we heard a rumor that the seventeen yachts were not going. It turned out later that this was true; true also that President Vanderbilt, of the Fulton Association, had forgotten to invite them. It was also said that he could have had twenty for the asking. At noon on the 22dⒶtextual note Harry and his wife and I were on board and ready. We did not ask for orders, that being Mr. Vanderbilt’s affair, not ours. Mr. Dearborn’s secretary presently sent us word that the North Star would sail at two o’clock, but that Commodore Vanderbilt would not be able to go in her; that I was now ad interim Ⓐtextual note President of the Fund Association and would have to act in Mr. Vanderbilt’s place, and be chairman at the functions in Jamestown and introduce the speakers at the Auditorium in the daytime, and at the banquet at night. To this was added the information that this course had been determined at a meeting of the Fund officials by unanimous vote. This did not disturb me, for I would not have to act as chairman unless I wished to do it—and of course I should not wish to do it, and would therefore appoint another official to occupy that place.

The humors of the situation were growing: the fleet had shrunk from nineteen sail to two; its Commodore had taken to the woods, and it had no head; the much advertised gay festival had turned into a funeral, and the Commodore was sending his yacht to it as kings send an empty carriage to represent them at the obsequies of a distinguished servant.

The North Star sailed at two in the afternoon, and we followed at half pastⒶtextual note six. The North Star was slow, and it was our purpose to overtake her in the neighborhood of Old Point Comfort; but her slowness was beyond computation by our arithmetic, whereforeⒶtextual note we passed her at two in the morning. We arrived off the Fair, and cast anchor at 10.25Ⓐtextual note in the forenoon, and the North Star arrived a couple of hours later. She had had no instructions and didn’t know where to anchor, so she took up a position at such a distance that she hardly seemed to be a part of the marine display—by this large phrase I mean the display afforded by two war-ships, a pair of little black cheese-box models of Ericsson’s Monitor, Ⓔexplanatory note and the Kanawha. That part of the originalⒶtextual note program which was to afford us the spectacle of a double line of majestic battleshipsⒶtextual note stretching toward the horizon and fading into spectral forms in the distance, had shrunk to this wee little handful of floaters. The question was, should the Kanawha form up in line of battle now and sail in state, and clothed in flags, up the lane formed by the pair of white war-ships, or would that [begin page 142] performance detract from the due solemnity of the occasion and look like a sarcasm? Harry concluded to lie still and wait. Presently Admiral Harrington boarded us, and was soon followed by Captain Collins of theBrooklyn Ⓔexplanatory note.

Properly it was a sad occasion, but there was no sadness in the air; properly Robert Fulton’s Festival had turned itself into a funeral, and there ought to have been some tears, but none were shed. The most moving thing, the most uplifting thing, the most eloquent thing in the world, is perfection Ⓐtextual note. We are always moved by the perfect thing, let it be what it may. Perfect beauty moves us; perfect ugliness moves us just as surely; perfect music satisfies us; perfect discord delights us; perfect grandeur, perfect majesty, perfect sublimity, always thrill and exaltⒶtextual note and contentⒶtextual note us—and when you suddenly turn these threeⒶtextual note into an utterly and grotesquely perfect satire upon them, our happy souls are steeped in a drunken delight. After all the noise, all the advertising, all the gorgeous promises and anticipations, the great Robert Fulton Day had withered to this—a collapsed balloon, a prone and wrinkled rag. When I had grasped the whole matchless perfection of the failure, I was glad to be there, and would not have been elsewhere for anything.

In order that nothing might be lacking that could contribute to the splendor of the fiasco, the central day for the annual equinoctial tempest had been selected for Fulton Day. Black clouds came flocking in from the ocean and swept in ragged squadrons across the sky, heralded and accompanied by fierce lightnings and crashing thunders and deluges of rain. There was to have been a return visit to the Brooklyn; it had to be given up. There was to have been a luncheon at one o’clock on shore; it had to be given up. The oratory at the Auditorium was postponed until three o’clock, in the hope that the heavy seas might moderate sufficiently, by that time, to let us go ashore; it was not to be. At three, the seas were still so high that we could not be ferried ashore in an ordinary yachting launch and escape a thorough drenching; but at half pastⒶtextual note three a large governmentⒶtextual note launch came for us and we managed to board it without breaking our necks. When we reached the Auditorium, at four, the audience had been waiting an hour and a half. I introducedAdmiral Harrington; Robert Fulton Cutting consented to introduce the othersⒺexplanatory note, and in due course the function was over. Harry and my adoptive niece, his wifeⒺexplanatory note, went back to the yacht and I supposed they would consult their comfort andⒶtextual note stay there, but they didn’t; they came to the banquet at eight in the evening. If Mr. Vanderbilt had had some of their spirit—however, he hadn’t.Ⓐtextual note

The perfections continued. Fulton’s boat, the Clermont Ⓔexplanatory note , was to have been reproduced in fireworks—one of the grand spectacles of the occasion; it didn't happen. The banquet was to have been in the great banqueting hallⒶtextual note of the ChamberlinⒶtextual note Ⓔexplanatory note, at Old Point Comfort; it didn’t happen. It happened in the New York Building, on the Fair grounds, in a room which was full when two hundred guests sat down. There was a brilliant speech by Mrs. McLeanⒺexplanatory note, President GeneralⒶtextual note of the Daughters of the Revolution, and I replied to it. Other speeches followed; there was a deal of hearty jollity, and everybody had a good time. That function over, Robert Fulton Day was ended—the most extraordinary day of its [begin page 143] kind I have seen in seventy-two years, and one of the most grotesque, and charming, and satisfactory.

The military review had been removed from the program days and days before—a happy inspiration, for if the soldiers had attempted one they would have been drowned. Major GeneralⒶtextual note Fred Grant telegraphed from New York that he was sick and couldn’t come; Commodore Vanderbilt sent word that he was obliged to remain in New York on a matter of business of international importance.

Now look at that shrinkage! Six months before, we had set out with a prospective ex-President of the United States, a Major GeneralⒶtextual note in command of the Atlantic Department, a marine great gun in the person of the Commodore of the New York yacht fleet, a passage in state between a mile of foreign and domestic battleshipsⒶtextual note clothed in bunting and vomitingⒶtextual note fire and smoke and thunder; also we were to have a military review and fireworksⒶtextual note, and a grand banquet, and as grand a ball—and behold, here was the result! Fulton Day was over and we hadn’t had a damned thing!

Mr. Vanderbilt, that weak sister, had backed out because he was afraid to face those audiences and introduce the speakers, he being inexperienced and timid in such situations. Partly that—but mainly because he was afraid to face a fiasco.Ⓐtextual note When he said he must be in New York on the 23dⒶtextual note in the interest of a matter of international importance, he knew it wasn’t so. The matter of international importance was a meeting of the New York Yacht Club to discuss Sir Thomas Lipton’s challenge. In the first place, it was not at allⒶtextual note a matter of international importance, and, in the second place, he knew that the meeting was not to take place until the 25th. The race for the America’s Cup is in some small sense an international matter, but in an exceedingly small sense. It interests theⒶtextual note one-hundredth fractionⒶtextual note of 1 per centⒶtextual note of the population of England and America—these being rich sporting men—and stops there; it inflammatorilyⒶtextual note interests nobody else, and is of not the least value in any substantial way to our nation.Ⓐtextual note As will be seen by reference to the newspaper clipping at the head of this chapter, it is nothing but a “freak” race, and a quite trifling matter. On the other hand, the Robert Fulton Centennial was Ⓐtextual note a matter of international importance; and it was far more than that—it was a matter of planetary importance. That Centennial commemorates much the largest event in American history; the results proceeding from it have been more far-reaching, and will be more lasting, than those proceeding from any other event in our history. Our next greatest day is Independence Day, but Independence Day is temporary, whereas Robert Fulton Day is permanent. We are drifting steadily toward monarchy; we have been drifting slowly toward it for thirty years, and now, by help of Mr. Roosevelt, we may be said to be flying toward it; he has hastened the day; it will come—and when it comes, Independence Day will be removed from the national calendar—but Robert Fulton Day will remain, and not only upon our calendar, but upon the calendar of the world, and there it will abide for ages. Mr. Vanderbilt regards a “freak” race as a matter of international importance, and as of more importance than Robert Fulton Day. The innocent manⒶtextual note has furnished us his own measure.