The horizon likened to the Deity’s mouth, laughing at the human race—Series of newspaper headlines showing what He may be laughing at—Mr. Clemens comments upon No. 10, and No. 11—The President’s hunting of tame bears.
I must get that stupendous fancy out of my head. At first it was vague, dim, sardonic, wonderful; but night after night, of late, it is growing tooⒶtextual note definite—quite tooⒶtextual note clear and definite, and haunting, and persistent. It is the Deity’s mouth—His open mouth—laughing at the human race! The horizon is the lower lip; the cavernous vast arch of the sky is the open mouth and throat; the soaring bend of the Milky Way constitutes the upper teeth. It is a mighty laugh, and deeply impressive—even when it is silent; I can endure it then, but when it bursts out in crashing thunders of delight, and the breath gushes forth in a glare of white lightnings, it makes me shudder.
Every night He laughs, and every morning I eagerly search the paper to see what it is He has been laughing at. It is always recorded there in the big headlines; often one doesn’t have to read what follows the headlines, the headlines themselves tell the story sufficiently; as [begin page 160] a rule, I am not able to see what there is to laugh at; very frequently the occurrences seem to merely undignify the human race and make its acts pitiful and pathetic, rather than matter for ridicule. This morning’s paper contains the following instancesⒺexplanatory note:
No. 1.
SPECIAL TRAIN TO SAVE HER DOG’S LIFE.
Rich, Childless Woman Spent Thousands in Vain Efforts for Her Pet.
It is matter for pity, not mirth. No matter what the source of a sorrow may be, the sorrow itself is respectworthy.Ⓐtextual note
No. 2.
MOTHER AND CHILD FOUND STARVING. Ⓐtextual note
Mrs. Engel Subsisted
on Dry Crusts that Her Daughter, Aged
Three, Might Live.
No. 3.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE ON TRIAL AGAIN.
Watsons Charged with Letting Son Die—
Defense: “We Firmly Believed We Were Right.”
No. 4.
MASKED MAN BOUND GIRL.
Left Her Gagged and Nearly Unconscious While Robbing House.
No. 5.
STRANGLED BOY WITH SHOESTRING.
Child’s Body, with Arms Bound, Found in a Lonely Spot Near Bridgeport.
No. 6.
KNOCKED PREACHER DOWN AFTER FUNERAL SERVICE.
Husband Was Angry Because Clergyman Failed to Mention His Name.
No. 7.
Children See Mother Murdered.
[begin page 161] COLUMBUS, O., Oct. 9.—Fred Butt, a hard drinker, who had beaten his wife till she separated from him and applied for a divorce, broke into her room to-dayⒶtextual note.
“Won’t you let me live with you any more?” he asked.
“No,” she replied.
Butt then shot her to death, shot himself slightly and drank acid while their two children screamed in terror. The husband will die.
No. 8.
BIG GANG ROBBING EUROPE’S CHURCHES.
American Collectors Get Spoils, an Antiquary Says, Paying Very High Prices.
No. 9.
JUMPS FROM HOME TO HOLY JUMPERS.
Miss Cole, Crossed in Love, Joins Strange Sect, but Father Finds Her.
Miss Arabella Mae Cole, a pretty girl of seventeen, was found by her father at Zarepath, the headquarters of the Pentacostal Union Church, near Bound Brook, N. J., yesterday. Miss Arabella Mae, rather sentimental and romantic, jumped her fine home in Philadelphia three weeks ago and joined the sect whose members the worldly and wicked call “The Holy Jumpers,” because they dance during their supplications, even as did the original David. Miss Arabella Mae’s father, a retired merchant, took her all unwilling to Philadelphia.
No. 10.
Humanity to Deer Promoted by Hunting Them with Hounds.
PLATTSBURG, N. Y., Oct. 9.—A resolution favoring the passage of a law providing for a period when deer may be hunted with hounds was unanimously adopted by the Essex County Republican Convention to-day. The resolution declares it to be the “sense of the Republican party that safety to man, humanity to deer and sport for hunters would be all furthered by two weeks’ hounding of deer.”
No. 11.
GOOD BEAR WEATHER FOR THE PRESIDENT.
He Ought to Have Captured One Bruin Yesterday if Ever, the Natives Say.
O’HARA’S SWITCH, near Stamboul, La., Oct. 9.—Not since early morning have any tidings been received from the President’s hunting camp, and then they were confined to a mere statement that preparations had been made for a busy day.
[begin page 162] The best local judges of the conditions are of the opinion that the day must have been one of activity if not of results. The rain has left a faultless sky and the temperature is all that could be desired. These circumstances, taken with the softened condition of the ground, the residents say, should make it possible for a party who go well equipped to get a bear if there is one in the Bayou Tensas.
I have to grant that Nos.Ⓐtextual note 10 and 11 are properly matters for laughter, they being distinctly and charmingly ridiculous. There is something fresh and touching about that Republican Convention’s idea of humanity. When we read of redⒶtextual note Indians chasing a helpless white girl who is fleeing for her life, with bullets and arrows whizzing around her, the Indians’ humanity is not apparent to us; the Indians seem to us only cruel and brutal, and all our sympathies are with the frightened girl. The fleeing deer is just as frightened, just as timid, just as void of offenceⒶtextual note; the deer’s sharp agony and the girl’s is the same, and it would seem to be logical that if the Republican hunter’s performance is sport, and legitimate, the Indian’s performance must be also regarded as sport, and legitimate.
If the bears were not in danger, instance No. 11 would be humorous; as it is, however, only the President’s side of it is funny. Those are tame bears down there—at least they are quite without courage—and no considerable amount of glory can be gotten out of murdering them. When they see a man they turn and flee. Bears are the bogy of children—and even the children are not afraid of those poor canebrake bears down there; they are as helpless and as harmless as the flying girl and the fleeing deer; but bear hunting has a large and heroic sound to a PresidentⒶtextual note who was manifestly brought up on dime-novels,Ⓐtextual note and he greatly enjoys having the eyes of two continents fixed upon him while he valiantlyⒶtextual note marches against a tame bear with a cloud of dogs and a cloud of armed body-guards and fellow sports and sutlers and secretaries,Ⓐtextual note and finds his bear and murders him at long distance, giving him no chance to fight for his life even ifⒶtextual note he should have the disposition to do it. The President is taking too much trouble; he could get the same sport, and the same large advertisement, and the same immunity from personal danger, by slaughtering helpless bears in a menagerie—and the travel and fatigue would be less. Those bears are doing no harm; they are not wrecking a nation’s prosperities to buy the votes of the ignorant, the envious, and the malicious; their lives are precious to them; no good is done to any one by taking them away. There is other game to be had where the taking of life can be justified, on the ground that the animals are hurtful, where the pursuit of them is not less dignified than is the pursuit of tame bears, and where the sport to be had is really exciting and exhilarating. The President of the United States ought to hire a squaw and a comb and get at it.
This morning’s paper contains the following instances] The “instances” are all from the New York World of 10 October.
Source documents.
World Facsimile of the New York World of 10 October 1907 (the original clippings that Hobby transcribed are now lost), pages 1, 4, 9, 10, 20: ‘SPECIAL TRAIN . . . Her Pet.’ (160.5–8); ‘MOTHER AND . . . Might Live.’ (160.12–15); ‘CHRISTIAN SCIENCE . . . Were Right.” ’ (160.17–20); ‘MASKED MAN . . . Robbing House.’ (160.22–24); ‘STRANGLED BOY . . . Near Bridgeport.’ (160.26–29); ‘KNOCKED PREACHER . . . His Name.’ (160.31–35); ‘Children See . . . will die.’ (160.37–161.7); ‘BIG GANG . . . High Prices.’ (161.9–12); ‘JUMPS FROM . . . to Philadelphia.’ (161.14–25); ‘Humanity to . . . of deer.” ’ (161.27–32); ‘GOOD BEAR . . . Bayou Tensas.’ (161.34–162.5).TS1 Typescript, leaves numbered 2319–26, made from Hobby’s notes and World and revised.
TS1, as revised by Clemens, is the only authoritative source for the dictated portion of this text. For the headlines and articles from the New York World we follow the original newspaper; the minor variants that Hobby inadvertently introduced when transcribing the clippings have not been reported.