[begin page 134]

There never was such a country for wandering liars; and they were of both sexes. Hardly a month went by without one of these tramps arriving; and generally loaded with a taleⒶalteration in the MS about some princessⒶalteration in the MS or other wanting help to get her out of someⒶalteration in the MS far-away castle where she was held in captivity by a law-
[begin page 135] less Ⓐalteration in the MS scoundrel, usually a giant. Now you would think that the first thing the king would do after listening to such a noveletteⒶemendation from an entire stranger, would be to ask for credentials—yes, and a pointer or two as to locality of castle, best route to it, and so-onⒶemendation.Ⓐalteration in the MS But nobody ever thought of so simple and common-sense a thing as thatⒶalteration in the MS. No, everybody swallowed thoseⒶrejected substantive people’s lies whole, and neverⒶalteration in the MS asked a question of any sort orⒶrejected substantive about anythingⒶalteration in the MS. Well, one day when I was not around, one of these people came along—it was a she one, this time—Ⓐalteration in the MSand told a tale of the usual pattern. Her mistress was a captive in a vastⒶrejected substantive and gloomy castle, along with forty-four other young and beautiful girls, pretty much all of them princesses; they had been languishing in that cruel captivity for twenty-sixⒶalteration in the MS years; the masters of the castle were threeⒶalteration in the MS stupendousⒶalteration in the MS brothers, each with four arms and one eye—the eye in the centre of the forehead, and as big as a fruit. Sort of fruit not mentionedⒶemendation Ⓐrejected substantive; theirⒶalteration in the MS usual slovenliness in statistics.Ⓐalteration in the MS

Would you believe it?—the king and the whole Round Table were in raptures over this preposterousⒶalteration in the MS opportunity for adventure. Every knight of the Table jumped for the chance, and begged for it; but to their vexation andⒶalteration in the MS chagrin the king conferred it upon me, who had not asked for it at all.

By an effort, I contained my joy when Clarence brought me the news. But he—he could not contain hisⒺexplanatory note. His mouth gushed delight andⒶalteration in the MS gratitude in a steady dischargeⒶalteration in the MS—delight in my good fortune, gratitude to the king for this splendid mark of his favor for me. He could keep neither his legs nor his body still, but pirouetted about the place in an airy esctasy of happiness.

On my side, I [begin page 136] could have cursedⒶalteration in the MS the kindness that conferred upon me this benefaction,Ⓐalteration in the MS but I kept my vexation under the surface for policy’s sake, and did what I could to let on to be glad. Indeed, I said I was glad. And in a way, it was true: I was as glad as a person is when he is scalpedⒶemendation Ⓐrejected substantive.

Well, one must make the best of things, and not waste time with uselessⒶalteration in the MS fretting, but get down to business and see whatⒶalteration in the MS can be done. In all lies there is wheat among the chaff; I must get at the wheat in this case: so I sent for the girl, and she came. She was a comely enough creature, and soft and modest, but if signs went for anything, she didn’t know as much as a lady’s watch. I said—

“My dear, have you been questioned as to particulars?”

She said she hadn’t.

“Well, I didn’t expect you had, but I thought I would ask, to make sure; it’s the way I’ve been raised. Now you mustn’t take it unkindly if I remind you that as we don’t know you, we must go a little slow. You may be all rightⒶalteration in the MS, of course, and we’ll hope that you are; but to take it for granted isn’tⒶalteration in the MS business. You understand that. I’m obliged to ask you a few questions; just answer up fair and square, and don’t be afraid. Where do you live, when you are at home?”

“In the land of Moder,Ⓐalteration in the MS fair sir.”

“Land of Moder. I don’t remember hearing of it before. Parents living?”

“As to that, I know not if they be yet on live, sith it is many years that I have lain shut up in the castle.”

“Your name, please?”

“I hight the Demoiselle Alisande la Carteloise, an it please you.”Ⓐemendation

“Do you know anybody here who can identify you?”

“That were not likely, fair lord,Ⓐalteration in the MS I being come hither now for the first time.”

“Have you brought any letters—any documents—any proofs that you are trustworthy and truthful?”

“Of a surety, no; and wherefore should I? Have I not a tongue, and cannot I say all that myself?”

“But your Ⓐemendation Ⓐalteration in the MS saying it, you know, and somebody else’s saying it, is different.”

“Different? How might that be? I fear me I do not understand.”

“Don’t understand? Land of—why,Ⓐalteration in the MS you see—you see—why, great Scott, can’t you understand a little thing like that? Can’t you under- [begin page 137]

stand thatⒶrejected substantive the difference between your—why do you look so innocent and idiotic!”

“I? In truth I know not, but an it were the will of God.”

“Yes, yes, I reckon that’s about the size of it. Don’t mind my seeming excited; I’m not. Let us change the subject. Now as to this castle, [begin page 138] with forty-five princesses in it, and three ogres at the head of it; tell me—where is this harem?”

“Harem?”

“The castle, you understand; where is the castle?”

“Oh, as to that, it is great, and strong, and well beseen, and lieth in a far country. Yes, it is many leagues.”

“How many?”

“Ah, fair sir, it were woundilyⒶalteration in the MS hard to tell, they are so many, and do so lap the one upon the other, and being made all in the same image and tincted with the same color, one may not know the one league from its fellow, nor how to count them except theyⒶalteration in the MS be taken apart, and ye wit well it were God’s work to do that, being not within man’s capacity; for ye will note—”

“Hold on, hold on, never mind about the distance; whereabouts does the castle lie? what’s the direction from here?”

“Ah, please you sir, it hath no direction from here; by reason that the road lieth not straight, but turneth evermore; wherefore the direction of its placeⒶalteration in the MS abideth not, but is sometime under the one sky and anon under another, whereso if yeⒶalteration in the MS be minded that it is in the east, and wend thitherward, ye shall observe that the way of the road doth yet again turn upon itself by the space of half a circle, and this marvel happing again and yet again and still again, it will grieve you that you had thought byⒶalteration in the MS vanities of the mind to thwart and bring to naught the will of Him that giveth not a castle a direction from a place except it pleaseth HimⒶalteration in the MS, and if it please Him not, will the rather that even all castles and all directions thereunto vanish out of the earth, leaving the places wherein they tarried desolate and vacant, so warning HisⒶalteration in the MS creatures that where He will He willⒶalteration in the MS, and where He will not He—”

“Oh, that’s all right, that’s all right, give us a rest; never mind about the direction, hang Ⓐemendation the direction—I beg pardon, I beg a thousand pardons, I am not well to-day; pay no attention when I soliloquize, it is an old habit, an old, bad habit, and hard to get rid of when one’s digestion is all disordered withⒶalteration in the MS eating food that was raised forever-and-ever before he wasⒶalteration in the MS born; good land!Ⓐalteration in the MS a man can’t keep his functions regular on spring chickens thirteen hundred years old. But come—never mind about that; let’s—have you got such a thing as a map of that region about you? Now a good map—”

[begin page 139]

“Is it peradventureⒶalteration in the MS that manner of thingⒶalteration in the MS which of late the unbelievers haveⒶalteration in the MS brought from over the greatⒶalteration in the MS seasⒶalteration in the MS, which, being boiled in oil, and an onion and salt added thereto, doth—”

“What, a map? What are you talking about? Don’t you know what a map is? There, there, never mind, don’t explain,Ⓐalteration in the MS I hate explanations; they fog a thing up so that you can’t tell anything about it. Run along, dear; good-day; show her the way, Clarence.”

Oh, well, it was reasonably plain, now, why these donkeys didn’t prospect these liars for details. It may be that this girl had a fact in her somewhere, but I don’t believe you could have sluiced it out with a hydraulicⒺexplanatory note; nor got it with the earlier forms of blasting, evenⒶalteration in the MS; it was a case for dynamite. Why, she was a perfect ass; and yet the king and hisⒶemendation knights had listened to her as if she had been a leaf out of the gospel. It kind of sizes up the whole party. And think of the simple ways of this court: this wandering wench hadn’t hadⒶrejected substantive any more trouble to get access to the king in his palace than she would have had to get into the poor-houseⒶalteration in the MS in my day and country. In fact he was glad to see her, glad to hear her tale; with that adventure of hers to offer, she was as welcome as a corpse is to a coroner.

Just as I was ending-up these reflections, Clarence came back. I remarked upon the barren result of my efforts with the girl; hadn’t got hold of a single point that could help me to find the castle. The youthⒶalteration in the MS looked a little surprised, or puzzled, or something, and intimated that he had been wondering to himself what I had wanted to ask the girlⒶalteration in the MS all those questions for.

“Why, great guns,” I said, “don’t I want to find the castle? And how else would I go about it?”

“La, sweet your worship, one may lightly answer that, I ween. She will goⒶalteration in the MS with thee. They always do. She will ride with thee.Ⓐemendation”

“Ride with me? Nonsense!”Ⓐalteration in the MS

“But of a truth she will. She will ride with thee.Ⓐalteration in the MS Thou shalt see.”

“What? She browse around the hills and scour the woods with me—aloneⒶalteration in the MS—and I as good as engaged to be married? Why, it’s scandalous. Think how it would look.”

My, the dear face that rose before me! The boy was eager to know all about this tender matter. I swore him to secrecy, and thenⒶalteration in the MS whispered her name—“Puss FlanaganⒶemendation.” He looked disappointed, and said he didn’t remember the countess. How natural it was for the little [begin page 140] courtier to give her a rank. He asked me where she lived.Ⓐalteration in the MS

“In East Har—” I came to myself and stopped, a little confused; then I said, “Never mind now; I’ll tell you some time.”

And might he see her? would I let him see her some day?

It was but a little thing to promise—thirteen hundred years or so—and he so eager; so I saidⒶalteration in the MS yes. But I sighed; I couldn’t help it. And yet there was no sense in sighing, for she wasn’t born yet. But that is the way we are made: we don’t reason, where we feel; we just feel.

MyⒶalteration in the MS expedition was all the talk, that day and that night, and the boys were very good to me, and made much of me, and seemed to have forgotten their vexation and disappointment, and come to be as anxious for me to hive those ogres and set those ripe old virgins loose as if it wasⒶrejected substantive themselves that had the contract. Well, they were good children—but just children, that is all. And they gave me no end of points about how to scout for giants, and how to scoop them in; and theyⒶalteration in the MS told me all sorts of charms against enchantments, and gaveⒶalteration in the MS me salves and other rubbish to put on my wounds. But it never occurred to one of them to reflect that if I was such a wonderful necromancer as I was pretending to be, I ought not to need salves, or instructions, or charms against enchantments, and least of all, arms and armor, on a foray of any kind—even against fire-spouting dragons, and devils hot from perdition—let alone such poorⒶalteration in the MS adversaries as these I was after, these commonplace ogres of the back settlements.

I was to have an early breakfast, and start at dawn, for that was the usual way; but I had the demon’sⒶalteration in the MS own time with my armor, and this delayed me a little. It is troublesome to get into, and there is so much detail. First you wrap a layer or two of blanket around your body, for a sort of cushion and to keep off the cold iron; then you put on your sleeves and shirt of chain-mailⒶemendation—these areⒶalteration in the MS made of smallⒶalteration in the MS steel links woven together, and they form a fabric so flexible that if you toss your shirt onto the floor, it slumps into a pile like a peck of wet fish-net; it is very heavy, and is nearly the uncomfortablest material in the world for a night-shirt, yet plenty used it for that—tax collectors, and reformers, and one-horse kings with a defective title, and those sorts of people; then you put on your shoes—flat-boats roofed over with interleavingⒶemendation bands of steel—and screw your clumsy spurs into the heels.Ⓐemendation Next you buckle your greaves on your legs, and your cuisses on your thighs; then come your back plate and your breastplate, and you [begin page 141] begin to feel crowded; then you hitch on to the breastplateⒶalteration in the MS the half-petticoat of broad overlapping bands of steel which hangs down in front but is scolloped out behind so you can sit down, and isn’t any real improvement on an inverted coal scuttle, either for looks, or for wear, or to wipe your hands on; next you belt-on your sword;Ⓐalteration in the MS then you put your stove-pipe joints onto your arms, your iron gauntlets onto your hands, your iron rat-trapⒶemendation onto your head, with a rag of steel web hitched to itⒶrejected substantive Ⓐtextual note to hang over the back of your neck—and there you are, snug as a candle in a candle-mould. This is no time to dance. Well, a man that is packed away like that, is a nut that isn’t worth the cracking, there is so little of the meat, when you get down to it, by comparison with the shell.

The boys helped me, or I never could have got in. Just as we finished, Sir Bedivere happened in, and I saw that as like as not I hadn’t chosen the most convenient outfit for a long trip. How stately he looked; and tall and broad and grand. He had on his head a conical steel casque that only came down to his ears, and for visor had only a narrowⒶalteration in the MS steel bar that extendedⒶalteration in the MS down to his upper lip and protected

[begin page 142] his nose; and all the rest of him, from neck to heel, was flexible chain-mail, trowsersⒶalteration in the MS and all. But pretty much all of him was hidden under his outside garment, which of course was ofⒶalteration in the MS chain-mail, as I said, and hung straight from his shoulders to his ancles; and from his middle to the bottom, both before and behind, was divided, so that he could ride, and let the skirtsⒶalteration in the MS hang down on each side. He was going grailing,Ⓐalteration in the MS and it was just the outfit for it, too. I would have given a goodⒶalteration in the MS dealⒶalteration in the MS for that ulster, but it was too late now to be fooling around. The sun was just up, the king and the court were all on hand to see me off and wish me luck; so it wouldn’t be etiquette for me to tarry. You don’t get on your horse yourself; no, if you tried it you would get disappointed. They carry you out, just as they carry a sun-struck man to the drug-store, and put you on, and help get you to rights, and fix your feet in the stirrups; and all the while you do feel so strange, and stuffy, and like somebody else—like somebody that has been marriedⒶalteration in the MS on a sudden, or struck by lightning, or something like that,Ⓐalteration in the MS and hasn’t quite fetched around, yet, and is sort of numb, and can’t just get his bearings. Then they stood up the mast they callⒶrejected substantive a spear, in its socket by my left foot, and I gripped it with my hand; lastly they hung my shield around my neck, and I was all complete and ready to up anchor and get to sea. Everybody was as good to me as they could be, and a maid of honor gave me the stirrup-cup her own self. There was nothing more to do, now, but for that damselⒶalteration in the MS to get up behind me on a pillion, which she did, and put an arm or so around meⒶrejected substantive to hold on.

And so we started; and everybody gave us a good-bye and waved their handkerchiefs or helmets. And everybody we met, going down the hill and through the village was respectful to us, except some shabby little boys on the outskirts. They said—Ⓐalteration in the MS

“Oh, what a guy!” and hove clods at usⒶalteration in the MS.

In my experience boys are the same in all ages. They don’t respect anything, they don’t care for anythingⒶalteration in the MS orⒶemendation anybody. They say “Go up, baldheadⒶalteration in the MS,” to the prophet, going his unoffending way in the gray of antiquity; they sass me in the holy gloom of theⒶalteration in the MS Middle Ages; and I had seen them act the same way in Buchanan’s administration; I remember, because I was there and helped. The prophet had his bearsⒺexplanatory note, and settledⒶemendation with his boys; and I wanted to get down and settle with mine, but it wouldn’t answer, because I couldn’t have got up again. I hate a country without a derrick.