[begin page 184]

If knights errant were to be believedⒶalteration in the MS, not all castles were desirable places to seek hospitality in. As a matter of fact, knights errant were not persons to be believed—that is, measured by modern standards of veracity; yetⒶalteration in the MS, measured by the standards of their ownⒶalteration in the MS time, and scaled accordingly, you got the truth. It was very simple: you discounted a statement ninety-seven per cent; the rest was fact. Now after making this allowance, the truth remained that if I could find out something about a castle before ringing the door-bell—I mean, hailing the warders—it was the sensible thing to do. So I was pleased when I saw in the distance a horseman making the bottom turn of the road that wound down from this castle.

As we approached each other, I saw that he wore a plumed helmet, and seemed to be otherwise clothed in steel, but bore a curious addition also—a stiff square garment like a herald’s tabard. However, I had to [begin page 185] smile at my own forgetfulness when I got nearer and read this sign on his tabard:

“Persimmons’s Ⓐemendation Soap—All the Prime-Donne Use It.”

That was a little idea of my own, and had several wholesome purposes in view toward the civilizing and uplifting of this nation. In the first place, it was a furtive, underhand blow at this nonsense of knight-errantryⒶemendation, though nobody suspected that but meⒶalteration in the MS. I had started a number of these people out—the bravest knightsⒶalteration in the MS I could get—each sandwiched between bulletin-Ⓐalteration in the MSboards bearing one device or another, and I judged that by and by when they got to be numerous enough they would begin to look ridiculous; and thenⒶemendation, even the steel-clad ass that hadn’t any board would himself begin to look ridiculous because he was out of the fashion.

Secondly, these missionaries would gradually, and without creating suspicion or exciting alarm, introduce a rudimentary cleanliness among the nobility, and from them it would work down to the people, if the priests could be kept quiet. This would undermine the ChurchⒶalteration in the MS. I mean wouldⒶemendation be a step toward that. Next, education—next freedom—and then she would begin to crumble. It being my conviction that any EstablishedⒶalteration in the MS Church is an established crime, an established slave- [begin page 186] pen , I had no scruples, but was willing to assail it in any way or with any weapon that promised to hurt it. Why, in my own former day—in remote centuries not yet stirring in the womb of time—there were old Englishmen who imagined that they had been born in a free country: a “free” country withⒶalteration in the MS the Corporation Act and the TestⒺexplanatory note still in force in it—timbers propped against men’s liberties and dishonored consciences to shore up an Established Anachronism with.

My missionaries were taught to spell out the gilt signs on their tabards—the showy gilding was a neat idea, I could have got the king to wear a bulletin-board for the sake of that barbaric splendor—they were to spell out these signsⒶalteration in the MS and then explain to the lords and ladiesⒶalteration in the MS what soap was; and if the lords and ladies were afraid of it, get them to try it on a dog. TheⒶalteration in the MS missionary’s next move was to get the family together and try it on himself; he was to stop at no experiment, however desperate, that couldⒶalteration in the MS convince the nobility that soap was harmless; if any final doubt remained, he must catch a hermit—the woods were full of them; saints, they called themselves, and saints they were believed to be. They were unspeakably holy, and worked miracles, and everybody stood in awe of them. If a hermit could survive a wash, and that failed to convince a duke, giveⒶalteration in the MS him up, let him alone.Ⓐemendation

Whenever my missionaries overcame a knight errant on the road, they washed him, and when he got well they swore him to goⒶalteration in the MS and get a bulletin-board and disseminate soap and civilization the rest of his days. As a consequence the workers in the field were increasing by degrees, and the reformⒶalteration in the MS was steadily spreading. My soap factory feltⒶalteration in the MS the strain early. At first I had only two hands; but before I had leftⒶalteration in the MS home I was alreadyⒶalteration in the MS employing fifteen, and running night and day; and the atmospheric resultⒶalteration in the MS was getting so pronounced that the king went sort of fainting and gaspingⒶemendation around and said he did not believe he could stand it much longer, and Sir Launcelot got so that he did hardly anything but walk up and down the roof and swear, although I told him it was worse up there than anywhere else, but he said he wanted plentyⒶalteration in the MS of air; and he was always complaining that a palace was no place for a soap factory, anyway, and said if a man was to start one in his house he would be damned if he wouldn’t strangle him. There were ladies present, too; but much thoseⒶrejected substantive people ever cared for that; they would swear before children, if the wind was their way when the factory was going.

[begin page 187]

This missionary-knight’s name was La Cote Male Taile, and he said that this castle was the abode of Morgan le Fay, sister of King Arthur, and wifeⒶemendation of King Uriens, monarch of a realm about as big as the District of Columbia—you could stand in the middle of it and throw bricks into the next kingdom. “Kings” and “kingdoms”Ⓐalteration in the MS were as thick in Britain as they had beenⒶtextual note in little Palestine inⒶalteration in the MS Joshua’sⒶemendation time, when peopleⒶalteration in the MS had to sleep with their knees pulled up because they couldn’t stretch out without a passport.

La Cote was much depressed, for he had scored here the worst failure of his campaign. He had not worked off a cakeⒶalteration in the MS; yet he had tried all the tricks of the trade, even to the washing of a hermit; but the hermit died. This was indeed a bad failure, for this animal would now be dubbed a martyr, and would take his place among the saints of the Roman calendar. Thus made he his moan, this poor Sir La Cote Male Taile, and sorrowed passing sore. And so my heart bled for him, and I was moved to comfort and stay him. Wherefore I said—

[begin page 188]

“Forbear to grieve, fair knight, for this is not a defeat. We have brains, you and I; and for such as have brains there are no defeats, but only victories. Observe how we will turn this seeming disaster into an advertisement; an advertisement for our soap; and the biggest one, to draw, that was ever thought of: an advertisement that will transform thatⒶalteration in the MS Mount Washington defeat into a Matterhorn victory. We will put on your bulletin-board, ‘Patronized by the Elect.’ How does that strike you?”

“Verily, it is wonderly bethought!”

“Well, a body is bound to admit that for just a modest little one-line ad., it’s a corker.”

So the poor colporteur’s griefs vanished away. He was a brave fellow, and had done mighty feats of arms in his time. His chief celebrity rested upon the events of an excursion like this one of mine, which he had once made with a damsel named Maledisant, who was as handy with her tongue as was Sandy, though in a different way, for her tongue churned forth only railings and insultⒶalteration in the MS, whereas Sandy’s music was of a kindlier sort. I knew his story well, and so I knew how to interpret the compassion that was in his face when he bade me farewell. He supposed I was having a bitter hard time of it.

Sandy and I discussed his story, as we rode along, and she said that La Cote’s bad luck had begun with the very beginning of that trip; for the king’s fool had overthrown him on the first day, and in such cases it was customary for the girl to desert to the conqueror, but Maledisant didn’t do it; and also persisted afterward in sticking to him, after all his defeatsⒺexplanatory note. But, said I, suppose the victor should decline to accept his spoil? She said that that wouldn’t answer—he mustⒶemendation. He couldn’t decline: it wouldn’t be regular. I made a note of that. If Sandy’s music got to be too burdensome, some time, I would let a knight defeat me, on the chance that she would desert to himⒶalteration in the MS.

In due time we were challenged by the warders, from the castle walls, and after a parley admitted. I have nothing pleasantⒶalteration in the MS to tell about that visit. But it was not a disappointment, for I knewⒶalteration in the MS Mrs. le Fay by reputation, and was not expecting anything pleasant. She was held in awe by the whole realm, for she had made everybody believe she was a great sorceress. All her ways were wicked, all her instincts devilish. She was loaded to the eye-lidsⒶemendation with cold malice. All her history was black with crime; and among her crimes murder was common. I was most curious to see her; as curious as I could have been to see Satan. To my [begin page 189]

surprise, she was beautiful; blackⒶemendation thoughts had failed to make her expression repulsive, age had failed to wrinkle her satin skin or mar its bloomy freshness. She could have passed for old Uriens’s grand-daughter, she could have been mistaken for sister to her own son.

[begin page 190]

As soon as we were fairly within the castle gates, we were ordered into her presence. King UriensⒶalteration in the MS was there, a kind-faced old man with a subdued look; and also the son, Sir Uwaine le Blanchemains, in whom I was of course interested, on account of the tradition that he had once done battle with thirty knights, and also on account of his trip with Sir Gawaine and Sir Marhaus which Sandy had been aging me with. But Morgan was the main attraction, the conspicuous personality here; she was head chief of this household, that was plain. She caused us to be seated, and then she began, with all manner of pretty graces and graciousnessesⒶrejected substantive, to ask me questions. DearⒶalteration in the MS me, it was like a bird, or a flute, or something, talking. I felt persuadedⒶalteration in the MS that this woman must have been misrepresentedⒶrejected substantive, lied about. She trilled along, and trilled along, and presently a handsome young page, clothed like the rainbow, and as easyⒶalteration in the MS and undulatory of movement as a wave, came with something on a golden salver, and kneeling to present it to her, overdid his graces and lost his balance, and so fell lightly against her knee. She slipped a dirk into him in as matter-of-course a way as another person would have harpooned a rat!

Poor child, he slumped to the floor, twisted his silken limbs in one great straining contortion of pain, and was dead. Out of the old king was wrung an involuntary “O-h!” of compassion. The look he got, made him cut it suddenly short and not put any more hyphens in it. Sir Uwaine, at a sign from his mother, wentⒶalteration in the MS to the ante-room and called some servants, and meanwhileⒶalteration in the MS madame went rippling sweetly along with her talk.

I saw that she was a good housekeeper, for while she talked she kept a corner of her eye on the servants to see that they made no balksⒶalteration in the MS in handling the body and getting it out; when they came with fresh clean towels, she sent backⒶalteration in the MS for the other kind; and when they had finished wiping the floor and were going, she indicated a crimson fleck the size of a tear which their duller eyes had overlooked. It was plain to me that La Cote Male Taile had failed to see the mistress of the house. Often, how louder and clearer than any tongue, does dumb circumstantial evidence speak.

Morgan le Fay rippled along as musically as ever. Marvelous woman. And what a glance she had: when it fell in reproof upon those servants, they shrunkⒶrejected substantive and quailed as timid people do when the lightning flashes out of a cloud. I could have got the habit myself. It was the same with [begin page 191] that poor old Brer Uriens; he was always on the ragged edge of apprehension; she could not even turn towardⒶrejected substantive him but he winced.

In the midst of the talk, I let drop a complimentary word about King Arthur, forgetting for the moment how this woman hated her brother. That one little compliment was enough. She clouded up like a storm; she called for her guards, and said—

“Hale me these varletsⒶemendation to the dungeons!”

That struck cold on my ears, for her dungeons had a reputation. Nothing occurred to me to say—or do. But not so with Sandy. As the guard laid a hand upon me, she piped up with the tranquilest confidence, and said—

“God’s wownds, dost thou covetⒶemendation destruction, thou maniac? It is The Boss!”

Now what a happy idea that was!—and so simple; yet it would never have occurred to me. I was born modest; not all over, but in spots; and this was one of the spots.

The effect upon madame was electrical. It cleared her countenance and brought back her smiles, and all her persuasive graces and blandishments; but nevertheless she was not able to entirely cover up with them the fact that she was in a ghastly fright. She said:

“La, do butⒶrejected substantive list to thine handmaid! as if one gifted with powers like to mine might say the thing which I have said, unto one who has vanquishedⒶalteration in the MS Merlin, and not be jesting. By mine enchantmentsⒶalteration in the MS I foresaw your coming, and by them I knew you when you entered here. I did but play this little jest with hope to surprise you into some display of your art, as not doubting you would blast the guards with occult fires, consuming them to ashes on the spot, a marvel much beyond mine own abilityⒶalteration in the MS, yet one which I have long been childishly curious to see.”Ⓐalteration in the MS

The guards were less curious, and got out as soon as they got permission.