The Pilgrims
When I did get to bedⒶalteration in the MS at last I was unspeakably tired; the stretching out, and the relaxing of the long-tense muscles, how luxurious, how delicious! but that was as far as I could get—sleep was out of the question, for the present. The ripping and tearing and squealing of the nobility up and down the halls and corridors was pandemonium come again, and kept me broad awake. Being awake, my thoughts were busy, of course; and mainly they busied themselves with Sandy’s curious delusion. Here she was, as sane a person as the kingdom could produce; and yet, from my point of view she was acting like a crazy woman. My land, the power of training! [begin page 237] of influence! of education! It can bring a body up to believe anything. I had to put myself in Sandy’s place to realize that she was not a lunatic. Yes, and put her in mine, to demonstrate how easy it is to seem a lunatic to a person who has not been taught as you have been taught. If I had told Sandy I had seen a wagon, uninfluenced by enchantment, spin along fifty miles an hour; had seen a man, unequipped with magic powers, get into a basket and soar out of sight among the clouds; and had listened, without any necromancer’s help, to theⒶalteration in the MS conversation of a personⒶalteration in the MS who was severalⒶalteration in the MS hundred miles away, Sandy would not merely have supposed me to be crazy, she would have thought she knewⒶemendation it. Everybody around her believed in enchantments; nobody had any doubts; to doubt that a castle could be turned into a sty, and its occupants into hogs, would have been the same as my doubting, among Connecticut people, the actuality of the telephone and its wonders,—and in both cases would be absoluteⒶalteration in the MS proof of a diseased mind, an unsettled reason. Yes, Sandy was sane; that must be admitted. If I also would be sane—to Sandy—I must keep my superstitions about unenchanted and unmiraculous locomotives, balloons and telephones, to myself. Also, I believed that the world was not flat, and hadn’t pillars under it to support it, nor a canopy over it to turn off a universe of waterⒶalteration in the MS that occupied all space above: but as I was the only person in the kingdom afflicted with suchⒶalteration in the MS impiousⒶemendation and criminal opinions, I recognized that it would be good wisdom to keep quiet about this matter, too, if I did not wish to be suddenly shunned and forsaken by everybody as a madman.Ⓐtextual note Ⓐalteration in the MS
TheⒶalteration in the MS next morning Sandy assembled the swine in the dining room and gave them their breakfast, waiting upon them personallyⒶalteration in the MS and manifesting in every way the deep reverence which the natives of her island, ancient and modern, have always felt for rank, let its outward casket and the mental and moral contents be what they may. I could have eaten with the hogs if I had had birth approaching my lofty official rank; but I hadn’t, and so I acceptedⒶrejected substantive Ⓐtextual note the unavoidable slight and made no complaint. Sandy and I had our breakfast at the second table. The family were not at home. I said:
“HowⒶalteration in the MS many are in the family, SandyⒶalteration in the MS, and where do they keep themselves?”
“Family?”
“Yes.”
[begin page 238]
“Which family, good my lord?”
“WhyⒶtextual note, this family; your own family.”
“Sooth to say, I understand you not. I have no family.”
“No family? Why, Sandy, isn’t this your home?”
“Now how indeed might that be? I have no home.”
“WellⒶalteration in the MS, then, whose house is this?”
“Ah, wit you well I would tell you an I knew myself.”
“Come—you don’t even know these people? Then who invited us here?”
“None invited us. We but came; that is all.”
“Why, woman, this is a most extraordinary performance. The effronteryⒶalteration in the MS of it is beyond admiration. We blandly march into a man’s house, and cram it full of the only really valuable nobility the sun has yetⒶemendation discovered in the earth,Ⓐalteration in the MS and then it turns out that we don’t even know the man’s name. How did you ever venture to take this extravagant liberty? I supposed, of course, it was your home. WhatⒶalteration in the MS will the man say?”
“What will he say? Forsooth what can he say but give thanks?”
[begin page 239]“Thanks for what?”
Her face was filled withⒶalteration in the MS a puzzled surprise:
“Verily thou troublest mine understanding with strange words. Do ye dream that one of his estateⒶalteration in the MS is like to haveⒶalteration in the MS the honor twice in his life to entertain company such as we have brought to grace his house withal?”
“Well, no—when you come to that.Ⓐalteration in the MS No, it’s an even bet that this is the first time he hasⒶalteration in the MS had a treat like this.”
“Then let him be thankful, and manifest the same by grateful speech and due humility. HeⒶtextual note were a dog, else, and the heir and ancestorⒶemendation Ⓐrejected substantive of dogs.”
To my mind, the situation wasⒶalteration in the MS uncomfortable. It might become more so. It might be a good idea to muster the hogs and move on. So I said:
“The day is wasting, Sandy. It is time to get the nobility together and be moving.”
“Wherefore, fair sir and Boss?”Ⓐalteration in the MS
“We want to take them to their home, don’t we?”
“La, but list to him! They be of all the regions of the earth!Ⓐemendation Each must hie to herⒶalteration in the MS own home; wend you we might do all these journeys in one so brief life as He hath appointedⒶalteration in the MS that created life, and thereto death likewise with help of Adam, who by sin done through persuasion of his helpmeet, she being wrought upon and bewrayedⒶalteration in the MS by the beguilements of the greatⒶalteration in the MS enemy of man, that serpent hight Satan, aforetime consecratedⒶalteration in the MS and set apart unto that evil work by overmastering spite and envy begotten in his heart through fell ambitions that did blight and mildew a nature erst so white and pure when-so it hove with the shining multitudes its brethren-born in glade and shade of that fair heaven wherein all such as native be to that richⒶalteration in the MS estate and—”
“Great Scott!”Ⓐalteration in the MS
“My lord?”
“Well, you know,Ⓐalteration in the MS we haven’t got time for this sort of thing. Don’t you see, we could distribute these people around the earthⒶalteration in the MS in less time than it is going to take you to explain that we can’t. We mustn’t talk nowⒶalteration in the MS, we must act. You want to be careful; you mustn’t let your mill get the start of you that way, at a time like this. To business, now—and sharp’s the word. Who is to take the aristocracy home?”
[begin page 240]“Even their friends. These will come for them from the far parts of the earth.”
This was lightning from a clear sky, for unexpectedness; and the relief of it was like pardonⒶalteration in the MS to a prisoner.Ⓐalteration in the MS She would remain to deliver the goods, of course.
“Well, then, Sandy, as our enterprise is handsomely and successfully ended, I will go home and report; and if ever another one—”
“I also am ready; I will go with thee.”
This was recalling the pardon.Ⓐalteration in the MS
“How? You will go with me? Why should you?”
“Will I be traitor to my knight, dost think? That were dishonor. I may not part from thee until in knightly encounter in the field some overmatchingⒶalteration in the MS champion shall fairly win and fairly wear me. I were to blame an I thought that that might ever hap.”
“Elected for the long term,” I sighed to myself. “I may as wellⒶalteration in the MS make the best of it.” So then I spoke up and said:
“All right. LetⒶtextual note us make a start.”Ⓐalteration in the MS
While she was gone to cry her farewells over the pork, I gave that whole peerage away to the servants. And I asked them to take a duster and dust around a little where the nobilities had mainly lodged and promenaded, but they considered that that would hardly beⒶrejected substantive worth while, and would moreover be a rather grave departure from custom, and therefore likely to make talk.Ⓐalteration in the MS A departure from custom—that settled it; it was a nation capable of committing any crime but that. The servants said they would follow the fashion, a fashion grown sacredⒶalteration in the MS through immemorial observance: they would scatter fresh rushesⒶalteration in the MS in all the rooms and halls, and then the evidencesⒶrejected substantive of the aristocratic visitation would be no longer visible. It was a kind of satire on Nature; it was the scientific method, the geologic method; it deposited the history of the family in a stratified record; and the antiquary could dig through it and tell by the remainsⒶalteration in the MS of each period what changes of diet the family had introduced successively for a hundred yearsⒺexplanatory note.
The first thing we struck that day was a procession of pilgrimsⒺexplanatory note. It was not going our way, but we joined it nevertheless; for it was hourly being borne in upon me, now, that if I would govern this country wisely, I must be posted in the details of its life, and not at second hand but by personal observation and scrutiny.
[begin page 241]This company of pilgrims resembled Chaucer’s in this: that it had in it a sample of about all the upper occupationsⒶemendation and professions the country could show, and a corresponding variety of costume. There were young men and old men, young women and old women, lively folk and grave folk. They rode upon mules and horses, and there was not a side saddle in the party; for this specialty was to remainⒶtextual note unknown in England for nine hundred years yet.
It was a pleasant, friendly, sociable herd; pious, happy, merry, andⒶalteration in the MS full of unconscious coarsenesses and innocent indecencies. What they regarded as the merry tale went the continual round and caused no more embarrassment than it would have caused in the best English society twelve centuries later. Practical jokes worthy of the English wits of the first quarter of the far-offⒶalteration in the MS nineteenth century were sprung here and there and yonder along the line, and compelled the delightedest applause; and sometimesⒶalteration in the MS when a bright remark was made at one end of the procession and started on its travels toward the other, you could note its progress all the way by the sparkling spray of laughter it threw off from its bows as it plowed along; and also by the blushes of the mules in its wake.
SandyⒶalteration in the MS knew the goal and purpose of this pilgrimage, and she posted me. She said:
“They journey to the Valley of Holiness, for to be blest of the godly hermits and drink of the miraculous waters and be cleansed from sin.”
“Where is this watering place?”
[begin page 242]“It lieth a two day journey hence, by the borders of the land that hight the Cuckoo KingdomⒺexplanatory note.”Ⓐalteration in the MS
“TellⒶemendation me about it. Is it a celebrated place?”
“Oh, of a truth yes. There be none more so. Of old time there lived there an Abbot and his monks. Belike were none in the world more holy than these; for they gave themselves to study of pious books, and spoke not the one to the other, or indeed to any, and ate decayed herbs and naught thereto, and slept hard, and prayed much, and washed never;Ⓐalteration in the MS also they wore the same garment until it fell from their bodies through age and decay. Right-so came they to be known of all the world by reason of these holy austerities, and visited by rich and poor, and reverenced.”
“Proceed.”Ⓐalteration in the MS
“But always there was lack of water there. WheresoⒶrejected substantive, upon a time, the holy AbbotⒶtextual note prayed, and for answer a great stream of clear water burst forth by miracle in a desert place. Now were the fickle monks tempted of the fiend,Ⓐalteration in the MS and they wrought with their Abbot unceasingly by beggings and beseechings that he would construct a bath; and when he was become aweary and might not resist more, he said have ye your will, then, and granted that they asked. Now mark thou what ’tis to forsake the ways of purity theⒶalteration in the MS which He loveth, and wanton with such as be worldly and an offence.Ⓐemendation These monksⒶemendation did enter into the bath and come thence washed as whiteⒶemendation as snow;Ⓐemendation and lo, in that moment His sign appeared, in miraculous rebuke!—for HisⒶalteration in the MS insulted waters ceased to flow, and utterlyⒶalteration in the MS vanished away.”Ⓐalteration in the MS
“They fared mildlyⒶemendation, Sandy, considering how that kind of crime is regarded in this country.”Ⓐalteration in the MS
“Belike; but it was their first sin; and they had been of perfect life for long, and differing in naught from the angels. Prayers, tears, torturings of the flesh, all was vain, to beguile that water to flow again.Ⓐalteration in the MS Even processionsⒶemendation Ⓐalteration in the MS; even burnt offeringsⒶemendation Ⓐalteration in the MS; even votiveⒶalteration in the MS candles to the VirginⒶtextual note didⒶemendation fail, every each ofⒶalteration in the MS them; and all in the land did marvelⒶemendation Ⓐalteration in the MS.”
“How odd to find that evenⒶalteration in the MS this industryⒶemendation has its financial panics, and at times seesⒶemendation its assignats and greenbacks languishⒶemendation to zero, and everything come to a standstill. GoⒶemendation on, Sandy.”
“And so upon a time, after year and day, the good Abbot made humble surrender and destroyed the bath. And behold, His anger was in that moment appeased, and the waters gushed richly forth [begin page 243] again, and even unto this day they have not ceased to flow in that generous measure.Ⓔexplanatory note”
“ThenⒶalteration in the MS I take it nobody has washed since.”
“HeⒶalteration in the MS that would essay it could have his halter free; yea, and swiftly would he need it, too.”
“The community has prospered since?”
“Even from that very day. The fame of the miracle went abroad into all lands. From every land came monks to join; they came even as the fishes come, in shoals; and the monastery added building to building, and yet others to these, and so spread wide its arms and took them in. And nuns came also; and more again, and yet more; and built over against the monastery on the yon side of the vale, and added building to building, until mighty was that nunnery. And these were friendly unto those, and they joined their loving labors together andⒶalteration in the MS together they built a fair great foundling asylum midway of the valley between.”Ⓔexplanatory note Ⓐemendation Ⓐtextual note
“You spoke of some hermits, Sandy.”
“These have gathered there from the ends of the earth. A hermit thriveth best where there be multitudes of pilgrims. YeⒶalteration in the MS shall not find no hermit of no sort wanting. If any shall mention a hermit of a kind he thinketh new and not to be found but in some far strange land, let him but scratch among the holes and caves and swamps that line that Valley of Holiness, and whatsoever be his breed, it skills not, he shall find a sample of it there.”
I closed up alongside of a burly fellow with a fat good-humored face, purposing to make myself agreeable and pickⒶtextual note up some further crumbs of fact; but I had hardly more than scraped acquaintance with him when he began eagerly and awkwardly to lead up, in the immemorial way, to that same old anecdote—the one Sir Dinadan told me, what time I got into trouble with Sir SagramourⒶemendation and was challenged of him on account of it. I excused myself, and dropped to the rear of the procession, sad at heart, willing to go hence from this troubled life, this vale of tears, this brief day of broken rest, of cloud and storm, of weary struggle and monotonous defeat; and yet shrinking from the change, as remembering how long eternity is, and how many have wended thither who know that anecdote.
Early in the afternoon we overtook another procession of pilgrims; but in this one was no merriment, no jokes, no laughter, no playful [begin page 244] ways, nor any happy giddinessesⒶrejected substantive, whether of youth or age. Yet both were here, both age and youth; gray old menⒶalteration in the MS and women, strong men and women of middle age, young husbands, young wives, little boys and girls, and three babesⒶrejected substantive at the breast. Even the children were smileless;Ⓐalteration in the MS there was not a face among all these halfⒶtextual note a hundred people but was cast down, and bore that set expression of hopelessness which is bred of long and hard trials and old acquaintance with despairⒶalteration in the MS. They were slaves. Chains led from their fettered feet and their manacled hands to a sole-leather belt about their waists; and all exceptⒶalteration in the MS the children were also linkedⒶemendation Ⓐalteration in the MS together in a file, six feet apart, by a single chain which led from collar to collar all down the line. They were on foot, and had tramped three hundred miles in eighteen days, upon the cheapest odds and ends of food, and stingy rations of that. They had slept in these chains every night, bundled together like swine. They had upon theirⒶemendation bodies some poor rags, but they could not be said to be clothed. Their irons had chafed the skin from their anclesⒶemendation and made sores which were ulcerated and wormy. Their naked feet were torn, and none walked without a limp. Originally there had been a hundred of these unfortunates, but about half had been sold on the trip. The trader in charge of them rode a horse and carried a whip with a short handle and a long heavy lash divided into several knotted tails at the end. With this whip he cut the shoulders of any that tottered from weariness and pain, and straightenedⒶemendation them up. He did not speak; the whip conveyed his desire without that. None of these poor creatures looked up as we rode along by; they showed no consciousness of our presence. And they made no sound but one; that was the dull and awful clank of their chains from end to end of the long file, as forty-Ⓐalteration in the MSthree burdened feet rose and fell in unison. TheⒶemendation file moved in a cloud, of its own making.Ⓐalteration in the MS
AllⒶemendation Ⓐtextual note these faces were gray with a coating ofⒶalteration in the MS dust. One hasⒶalteration in the MS seen the like of this coating upon furniture in unoccupied houses, and has written his idleⒶalteration in the MS thought in it with his finger. I was reminded of this when I noticed the faces of some of those women, young mothers carrying babes that were near to death and freedom, how aⒶalteration in the MS something in their hearts was written in the dust upon their faces, plain to see, and lord how plain to read! for it was the track of tears. One of these young mothers was but a girl, and it hurt me to the heart to read that writing, and reflect that it was come up out of the breast of such a [begin page 245] child, a breast that ought not to know trouble yet, but only the gladness of the morning of life;Ⓐalteration in the MS and no doubt—Ⓐalteration in the MS
She reeled, just then, giddy with fatigue, and down came the lash and flickedⒶalteration in the MS a flake of skin from her naked shoulder. It stung me as if I had been hit instead. The master halted the file and jumped from his horse. He stormed and swore at this girl, and said she had made annoyance enough with her laziness, and as this was the last chance he should have, he would settle the account now. She dropped on her knees andⒶalteration in the MS put up her hands and began to beg and cry and implore, in a passion of terror, but the master gave no attention. He snatched the childⒶemendation from her, and thenⒶalteration in the MS made the men slaves who were chained before and behind her throw her on the ground and hold her there and expose her body; and then he laid on with his lash like a madman till her back was flayed,Ⓐalteration in the MS she shrieking and struggling the while,Ⓐalteration in the MS piteously. One of the men who was holding her turned away his face; and for this humanity he was reviled and flogged.
All our pilgrims looked on and commented—on the expertⒶalteration in the MS way in which the whip was handled. They were too much hardened by [begin page 246] life-long every-day familiarity withⒶalteration in the MS slavery to notice that there was anything else in the exhibition that invited comment. This was what slavery could do, in the way of ossifying what one may call the superior lobe of human feeling;Ⓐalteration in the MS for these pilgrims were kind hearted people, and they would not have allowed that man to treat a horse like that.
I wanted to stop the whole thing and set the slaves free, but that would not do. I must not interfere too much and get myself a name for riding over the country’s laws and the citizens’Ⓐrejected substantive rights roughshod. If I lived and prospered I would be the death of slavery, that I was resolved upon; but I would try to fix it so that when I became its executioner it should be by command of the nation.
Just here was the wayside shop of a smith; and now arrived a landed proprietor who had bought this girl a few miles back, deliverable here where her irons could be taken off. They were removed; then there was a squabble between the gentleman and the dealer as to which should pay the blacksmith. The moment the girl was delivered from her irons, she flung herself, all tears and frantic sobbings, into the arms of the slave who had turned away his face when she was whipped. He strained her to his breast, and smothered her face and the child’s with kisses, and washed them with the rain of his tears. I suspected. I inquired. Yes, I was right: it was husband and wife. They had to be torn apart by force; the girl had to be dragged away, and she struggled and fought and shrieked like one gone mad till a turn of the road hid her from sight; and even after that,Ⓐalteration in the MS we could still make out the fading plaint of those recedingⒶalteration in the MS shrieks.Ⓔexplanatory note And the husband and father, with his wife and childⒶemendation gone, never to be seen by him again in life?—well, the look of him oneⒶalteration in the MS might not bear at all, and so I turned away; but I knew I should never get his picture out of my mind again, and there it is to this day, to wring my heart-strings whenever I think of it.
We put up at the inn in a village just at nightfall, and when I rose next morningⒶalteration in the MS and lookedⒶalteration in the MS abroad, I was ware where a knight came riding in the golden glory of the new day, and recognized him for knight of mine—Sir Ozana le Cure Hardy. He was in the gentlemen’sⒶrejected substantive furnishing line, and his missionarying specialty was plug hats. He was clothed all in steel, in the beautifulest armor of the time—up to where his helmet ought to have been; but he hadn’t any helmet, he [begin page 247] wore a shiny stove-pipe hat, and was as ridiculous a spectacle as one might want to see. It was another of my surreptitious schemes for extinguishing knighthood by making it grotesque and absurd. Sir Ozana’s saddle was hung about with leather hat-boxes, and every time he overcame a wandering knight he swore him into my service, and fittedⒶalteration in the MS him with a plug and made him wear it. I dressed and ran down to welcome Sir Ozana and get his news.
“How is trade?” I asked.
“Ye will note that I have but these four left; yet were they sixteen whenas I gatⒶrejected substantive me from Camelot.”
“Why, you have certainly done nobly, Sir Ozana. Where have you been foraging of late?”
“I am but now come from the Valley of Holiness, please you sir.”
“I am pointed forⒶalteration in the MS that place myself. Is there anything stirring in the monkery, more than common?”
“By the mass ye may not question it! . . . . . . Give him good feed, boy, and stint it not, an thou valuest thy crown; so get ye lightly to the stable and do even as I bid. . . . . . . Sir, it is parlous news I bring, and—be these pilgrims? Then ye may not do better, good folk,Ⓐalteration in the MS than gather and hear the tale I have to tell, sith it concerneth you, forasmuch as ye go to find that ye will not find, and seek that ye will seek in vain, my life being hostage for my word, and my word and message being these, namely: that a hapⒶalteration in the MS has happened whereof the like has not been seen no more but once this two hundred yearⒶrejected substantive, which was the first and last time that thatⒶalteration in the MS said misfortune strake the holy valley in that form by commandment of the Most High, whereto by reasons just and causes thereunto contributing, wherein the matter—”
“The miraculousⒶalteration in the MS fount hath ceased to flow!” This shout burst from twenty pilgrim mouths at once.
“Ye say well, good people. I was vergingⒶalteration in the MS to it, even when ye spokeⒶrejected substantive Ⓐtextual note.”
“Has somebody been washing again?”
“Nay, it is suspected, but none believe it. It is thought to be some other sin, but none wit what.”
“How are they feeling about the calamity?”
“None may describe it in words. The fount is these nine days dry. The prayers that did begin then, and the lamentations in sackcloth and ashes, and the holy processions, none of these have ceased nor night nor day; and so the monks and the nuns and the foundlingsⒶalteration in the MS be [begin page 248] all exhausted, and do hang up prayersⒶalteration in the MS writ upon parchment, sith that no strength is left in man to lift up voice. And at last they sent for thee, Sir Boss, to try magic and enchantment; and if youⒶalteration in the MS could not come, then was the messenger to fetch Merlin, and he is there these three days, now, and saith he will fetch that water though he burst the globe and wreck its kingdoms to accomplish it; and right bravely doth he work his magicⒶalteration in the MS and call upon his hellions to hie them hither and help, but not a whiff of moisture hath he started yet, even so much as might qualify as mist upon a copper mirrorⒶalteration in the MS an ye count not the barrel of sweat he sweateth betwixt sun and sun overⒶalteration in the MS the dire labors of his task; and if ye—”
Breakfast was ready. As soon as it was over I showed to Sir Ozana these words, which I had written on the inside of his hat: “Chemical Department, Laboratory Extension, Section G, Pxxp. Send two of first size, two of No. 3, and six of No. 4, together with the proper complementary details—and Ⓐemendation two of my trained assistants.” And I said:
“Now get you to Camelot as fast as you can fly, brave knight, and show the writing to Clarence, and tell him to have these required mattersⒶalteration in the MS in the Valley of Holiness with all possible dispatch.”
“I will well, Sir Boss,” and he was off.
madman.] followed by canceled ¶ ‘By and by there was a gentle tap on the door—the sort of tap which means to call your attention if you are awake, and yet not wake you if you are asleep—and when I said Come in, in walked Sandy with the innocent freedom of the country. She trimmed my light, and asked me if I would mind entertaining a maniac for a while! First, I’. This cancellation ends MS page 370. Mark Twain removed pages 371 through 396 from the MS (see textual note) and in their place inserted a page numbered ‘371’ on which he wrote only ‘Skip to page 397 (27 pages canceled.)’. In fact, there are 26 omitted pages, which are now in MTP. These pages are written on Keystone Linen (1) paper. The inserted page 371 is on a torn half-sheet of cream-colored, wove, unwatermarked paper, the only such paper in the MS. The text of the omitted pages is given below. The superior numbers refer to revisions made before Mark Twain removed the pages from the MS. Those revisions are listed following the passage, which reads:
‘came near saying it wouldn’t be any novelty, I hadn’t struck any other1 kind yet, in this country; next, I came near saying fetch him in, I would like to see what you consider a maniac in this kingdom; but I ended by omitting comment, either2 ironical or serious, and saying simply fetch him along, I would make things as pleasant as I could for him: for I saw how worn out Sandy was and it wouldn’t be kind to joke her now. She was very grateful, and3 said she found she couldn’t manage both the lunatic and the ladies without overtaxing herself. She said there was no harm in this fellow at all; he was well known in the neighborhood; and only troublesome because he talked so interminably. I said send him along—and with all the less hesitancy since it was inferable that the lunatic was going to entertain me, not I the lunatic.
‘He arrived a minute or two after Sandy was gone. He was frowsy-headed—which made him look wild; but gentleeyed—which much mitigated his wildness. His garment appeared to be a kind of gunny-sack; and it would not have been half as picturesque if it had been twice as long. It had damaged swan-wings sewed on the shoulders.4 He had a soft, musical voice, and a bland, pleasant way about him. He sat down, and said he was just from heaven! This was a good start. I was interested at once.
‘ “Indeed! You can’t mean it,” I said.
‘Yes, he said, he was in the employ of the recording angel.5 Messenger.6 Been one7 a long, long time.
‘I doubted it; but you do not make anything by obstructing a lunatic’s facts; so I merely said I felt honored by his visit.8 Then he asked my name and condition.
‘I told him. Whereat he said in his sincerest tones9 that he was both glad and proud to meet “The Boss,” and was sure that my administration was benefitting the king.10
‘Benefitting the king. He didn’t say the country. So he was a “gentleman,” this angel. A peasant might think of the country; but nobles and other gentlemen know no country, they are aware of the king only. After a pensive pause he observed that during one of his visits to the earth he was himself the king’s minister, for seven years. I supposed that this was a crazy fancy; but I found out afterwards that it was the truth.11
‘The angel got his talk going, and it flowed along quite smoothly. His head was full of his occupation,12 and he presently drifted placidly and comfortably into “business.” That is to say, the business of the recording angel’s13 great office. My, there was a kind of sublimity in hearing about14 these tremendous things at first hands, so to speak! As he went along, I found15 myself admiring, in a surprised way, the clean and clear and symmetrical business methods of that mighty office; and I remarked upon this feature.
‘The lunatic soon showed me that if I was surprised, he was still more surprised that I should be surprised. He wanted to know,16 with some suggestion of severity, if I had17 supposed things would be conducted loosely and unmethodically in such a place. I was stale-mated.18 It seemed offensive to associate practical, plodding business ideas and methods with a heavenly office; and yet upon consideration it wasn’t warrantable to dissociate them from it. Neutrality was my19 best position, and I took it.
‘The lunatic went on to say that everything in that20 office was conducted upon the straitest business principles, and every human being’s account squared daily, and a report made from it weekly.
‘ “Reports?” I said, “Weekly reports? Is that true?”21
‘True? Why, he had one of them with him. He was on his way to deliver it. He22 would read it to me if I liked.
‘I said I should consider it the greatest favor in the world.
‘He went off and fetched the document, and sat down and cleared his voice. I said—
‘ “Wait a moment. When one is placed in so extraordinary a position as this; when one is about to listen to a paper written by the actual hand of the re—”
‘I was abashed to silence by the look I got. And further abashed by the remarks which followed it:23 I was minister of this paltry kingdom; did I write out my reports with my own hand? This report was written out by a mere24 clerk—one among billions in the office—for are there not countless worlds, with countless populations in the universe? and it25 was signed by a higher-grade official—of whom there were millions in the office. The recording angel merely26 superintends worlds;27 constellations of worlds; vast solar systems of worlds: observes the massed deeds of them; would you have him concern himself with the details?
‘I was ashamed of myself, and kept still. The reading began:
‘ “To GGG-Bf-202-¶+ -W:”28
‘ “What is that?”
‘It was the office-designation of the person who was about to be reported upon. Names are too often alike; moreover, people change their names; therefore, descriptive formulæ are used; they can be made exact. Reading resumed:
‘ “This office is pleased to inform you that your recent act of benevolence and self-sacrifice has been recorded upon a page by itself of the Book called Golden Deeds of Men; a distinction, I am permitted to remark, which is not merely extraordinary, it is unique.”
‘ “Do I understand you to say that that paragraph was done by a mere clerk?”
‘ “Yes.”
‘ “Well, it is creditable work, I can say that for it. There isn’t anybody in this kingdom that can handle English like that. Go on, please.”
‘ “As regards your petitions29 for the week ending the 31st, this reports as follows:
‘ “1. For weather to advance iron at the mine 1030 per cent. Refused.
‘ “2. For influx of laborers to reduce wages 10 per cent. Refused.
‘ “3. For a break in foreign-ore prices. Refused.
‘ “4. For deportation to Sheol—”
‘ “Where?”
‘ “Sheol.”
‘ “How curious—how odd. But go on, go on.”
‘ “For deportation to Sheol of annoying swarms of persons who apply daily for work, or for favors of one sort or another. Refused.”
‘ “Does it mean that those are prayers that that person has been putting up?”
‘ “Of a truth, yes.”
‘ “Why bless my soul it is too much for belief. It is utter blasphemy. But go on.”31
‘ “5. For application of some form of violent death to three business rivals32 who have been cutting prices.”
‘ “Dear sir, this33 is verily stupefying, it is so awful. I thought I had heard of some strange sorts of prayers, but certainly I never heard of any that approached these. This man has no conscience, no charity, no springs of gentleness; he is utterly hard and cruel; he is not a man at all, in any right sense. But wait: haven’t you got two reports mixed? Is this the person whose recent unexampled act of benevolence has been given a page to itself in the Book of Golden Deeds of Men?”
‘ “It is the same.”
‘ “Well, go on, go on. No doubt it is all right, but I34 cannot understand it.”
‘ “6. For cyclone to destroy—”
‘ “For what?”35
‘ “Cyclone.”
‘ “Allow me—there is certainly36 a mistake here somewhere. The language of this document, the curious technicalities used, the—won’t you please look at the date of that report?”
‘ “December 31st, 1880/1888.37 Indeed, yes; I have brought the wrong report. I will get—”
‘ “What, the right one? Sit still. Never mind the right one.38 This one will answer every purpose. I do dearly want to hear it.39 But how singular it is. Why this report is misdated by more than thirteen hundred years. A pretty large error!”
‘No, he said quite calmly, there was no mistake but his own. The report was all right, date included, but it was heedlessness on his part to bring it down so soon.
‘ “But how can it be all right? Is there any such person?”
‘No, but there would be, some thirteen hundred years hence.
‘ “Goodness! And he will offer these very prayers?”
‘He would.
‘ “Poor creature. And so a man’s minutest history is known centuries beforehand, and his guilt and his innocence charged up, in weekly detail, a thousand years before he is born?”
‘Such was the case.
‘ “It is dreadful to think of. And yet it is sublime. If you could get me my—but never mind, it is better as40 it is; and more endurable, no doubt. Please go on.”
‘ “For cyclone to destroy the works and fill up the mine of the North Pennsylvania Company. Refused.”
‘ “Well, upon my word I should think so.”
‘ “Recapitulation. For petition No. 1, you are marked 2 discredits; No. 2, 25 discredits; No. 3, 2 discredits; No. 4, 150 discredits; No. 5, 75 discredits; No. 6, 4 discredits. Especial note is made41 of these petitions, for the reason that the feeling with which they were charged was extraordinarily deep, fervent and sincere.”
‘ “Isn’t it awful? But go on.”
‘ “The 298 remaining supplications classifiable under the head of Special Providences Requested, Section A, Schedule F, are refused in a body, (and the sum of 6,742 discredit marks placed against them), with 3 exceptions. To-wit: Sorrow for42 having harshly treated two mendicants and one importunate patent-right agent. These instances were quite earnest, albeit almost43 the only ones for the year, and for them you are allowed in bulk 22,962 credit marks.”
‘ “Land of Goshen! But go on, dear sir, go on.”
‘ “This completes the week’s list of petitions known to this office under44 the technical designation of Unspoken Supplications of the Heart—”
‘ “Wait, wait. Oh, dear,45 are those regarded as prayers?”
‘ “Ah,46 indeed most surely.”
‘ “What?—47 Just this, that and the other thing that a man suddenly wishes, without saying a word?”
‘ “These are prayers—yes.”
‘ “Why, good sir, if you count it that way, a man is praying the whole day long—every minute that he is awake.”
‘ “Yes.”
‘ “Then his whole life is made up of prayer!”
‘ “Even so.”
‘ “In a word, he doesn’t really do anything all his life long but pray.”
‘ “True, fair sir, it is true.”
‘ “This is a grave matter. Examined with the clear cold eye of reason, it amounts to this: When I get up, mornings, I pray a little short prayer—it’s a stereotype—always the same words—and I pray it again when I go to bed. I have the delusion that I have prayed twice that day, whereas according to this new and disheartening aspect of the matter I have probably prayed five thousand and two times—to my disadvantage, mainly.”
‘The soft voice intimated that my inference was right—substantially right—but I might leave off the two.48 I thought I could understand what that meant. I said, despondently—
‘ “This just makes life a burden. I have got to watch my thoughts all day long, lest without intent I pray myself into hopeless destruction.”
‘The kindly voice intimated that on the other hand I could discard those two dress-parade prayers I had spoken of,49 and that was a saving, anyway.
‘ “Yes, they must go. That is plain. I always took credit to myself for them, and held it my rigid duty to never miss them; but I see that they were pretty pale beside the other ones—what I must call the real ones, I suppose. Why, I am so used to them that they say themselves; yes, and often I do not even know when it is done. In fact, I start in, sometimes, to say one of those prayers, and just as I am finishing50 I recognize that I had said it five minutes before, and hadn’t known I was doing it when I did it. I am a good deal depressed, I don’t mind confessing that. For my peace of mind’s sake, I almost wish you had staid at the office. But never mind, go on with the report, please;51 it seems somehow so uncomfortably personal that it can’t well52 help continuing to interest me.”
‘ “—petitions known to this office under the technical designation of Unspoken Supplications of the Heart, and which for a reason which may suggest itself, always receive our first and profoundest attention.”
‘ “Yes indeed, it is easy to see—on account of the calamitous and undisguisable sincerity of them! I wish to goodness I—No I don’t. I don’t wish anything. I take it back. I am done with rash wishing, for good and all. Proceed, please.”
‘ “The remainder of the week’s Manifest53 falls under the head of what are known54 to this office by the general term of Public Prayers, in which classification are placed prayers uttered in Prayer Meeting, Sunday School, Family Worship, etc.55
‘ “1. Prayer for ‘weather mercifully tempered to the exigencies of the poor and the naked.’56 This was a Prayer-Meeting prayer; 235 discredits—insincerity.
‘ “2. Prayer for ‘better57 times and plentier food for the hardhanded son of toil whose exhausting labors make pleasant the ways and comfortable the homes of the more fortunate, and entitle him to our vigilant and effective protection from the wrongs which grasping avarice would do him, and to the tenderest offices of our grateful hearts.’ Prayer-Meeting prayer. Empty mouthing: 1584 discredits.
‘ “3. Prayer that ‘none may fall heir to the pains of Sheol through words or acts of ours.’58 Family Worship. See No. 4, Unspoken Supplications of the Heart. Discredits, 3,445.59
‘ “Of the 464 remaining specifications contained in your Public Prayers for the week, 2 are granted and the rest denied. To-wit: Granted, (1), “that the clouds may continue to perform their office; (2,) and the sun his.” This had already been decreed; therefore you receive neither credit nor discredit. Of the 462 details refused, 361 were uttered in Sunday School. In this connection I must once more remind you that we grant60 no Sunday School61 Prayers62 of persons technically known to this office as Professional Christians of the John Wanamaker stripe.63 We merely enter them as “words,” and they count some trifle to the petitioner’s64 credit according to time consumed, it being held that it is to such a person’s credit to make a hollow and harmless Sunday School Prayer when if his mouth were closed and his heart at work, he would infallibly be doing something worse.
‘ “Final Recapitulation. At the end of 53 years of life, your account stood, one month ago, as follows: 232,000 credits, 28,984,672 discredits. By your recent Golden Deed, all this debt is swept away, together with the debt of this past week, and your account, at this present date, stands wholly clear and blemishless.”
‘ “Su-perb! It takes a body’s breath away. What was that splendid deed? Have you got it there? But don’t let me interrupt. Go on, please.”65
‘ “I desire to add a word to this report. When certain sorts of people do a sizeable good deed, this office66 credits them a thousand-fold more than it would in the case of a better man—on account of the strain. You stand far above your mere arbitrary classification-grade here, because of certain selfsacrifices of yours which greatly exceed what could legitimately have been expected of you. Years ago, when you were worth only $100,000, and sent $2 to your impoverished cousin Isabel Walker—”
‘ “Hold on,67 I know that reptile! His name is Abner Scofield; and he is the basest,68 vilest, stingiest—no, no, of course I don’t mean I know him, I only mean I suppose I could know him if—if—well, if he lived in this century, you know, which of course he can’t and don’t. Don’t stop—go right on.”
‘—“Isabel Walker the widow, when she appealed to you for help, there were many in heaven who were not able to believe it—”
‘ “I’ll never doubt that—”
‘ “—and many more who believed the money was counterfeit—”
‘ “A perfectly sound inference—perfectly sound.”69
‘—“and so your character went up many degrees when it was shown that these suspicions were unfounded—”
‘ “Unfounded? There’s a mistake, sure.”70
‘ “A year or two later, when you sent the poor girl $4 in answer to another appeal, everybody believed it, and you were all the talk here for days together—”
‘ “Well, well,71 to think—”
‘ “Two years later you sent $6, upon supplication, when the widow’s youngest child died—”
‘ “I remember that poor starving ch72—no I don’t, of course I don’t, and couldn’t—my mind keeps wandering”—
‘ “—and that act made perfect your good fame. Everybody in heaven said, ‘Have you heard about Abner?’—for you are now affectionately called Abner here”—
‘ “Dear, dear, dear; why if anybody had told me—”
‘ “Your increasing donation, every two or three years, has kept your name on all lips, and warm in all hearts. All heaven watches you Sundays, as you drive to church in your handsome carriage; and when your hand retires from the contributionplate, the glad shout is heard even to the ruddy walls of remote Sheol, ‘Another nickel from Abner!’—”
‘ “It’s him—to a dot—”
‘—“but the climax came a few days ago, when the widow wrote and said she73 was offered a permanent refuge in a distant Widow’s Home, if she but had74 $50 to get herself and her two surviving children over the long journey; and you counted up last month’s profit from your mines—$27,230—and added to it the sure profit for the current month—$45,000, and a possible fifty—and then got down your pen and your check book, and mailed her fifteen whole dollars! Ah, bless you forever and ever, generous heart! There was not a dry eye in the realms of bliss; and amidst the embracings and praisings, the decree was thundered forth that this deed should out-honor all the historic self-sacrifices of men and angels, and be recorded upon a page by itself75 in the Golden Deeds of Men, for that the strain upon you had been heavier and bitterer than the strain it costs ten thousand martyrs to yield up their lives at the fiery stake; and all said, ‘What is the giving up of life, to a noble soul, or to ten thousand noble souls, compared with the giving up of fifteen dollars out of the greedy grip of the meanest white man that ever lived on the face of the earth?’76 and then all heaven boomed with joy, and was glad you were going there. And so was hell.”77
‘After he was gone, I sat a long time steeped78 in thought. When I came to again, I had reached this deduction: the difficulty with this people is, that their sane are all lunatics, and their lunatics are all sane.
‘And that report—that report! With all its distresses for me, there was one feature about it that made my heart swell with pride—pride of home, pride of country—whenever I thought of it. That was its thoroughly modern tone, form, grace and finish;79 for80 it showed that when I left my country we had at last got our English fined down to a point where it manifestly couldn’t be improved on, even in the sacred and viewless81 realm where it probably82 originated, and where it is doubtless the universal vehicle of conversation.’
2. either] interlined.
3. and] followed by canceled ‘she’.
4. It . . . shoulders.] interlined.
5. was . . . angel.] originally ‘was the recording angel’s brother.’; ‘in the employ of’ interlined; ‘‘s brother.’ canceled, and the period added following ‘angel’.
6. Messenger . . . time.] added.
7. one] interlined above canceled ‘so’.
8. said . . . visit.] interlined above canceled ‘hoped his brother was well, and ventured nothing further. ¶ Yes, his brother was well—“and the family.” ¶ “Family? Is there a family?” ¶ “Four brothers and two sisters.” ’
9. tones] written over two or three wiped-out unrecovered characters.
10. king.] followed by interlined and canceled ‘After a pensive pause he observed that during one of his visits to the earth he was himself the king’s minister, for seven years.’
11. After . . . truth.] ‘After a’ added on the recto and ‘pensive . . . truth.’ added on the verso of the MS page with instructions to turn over.
12. occupation,] interlined above canceled ‘brother,’.
13. the recording angel’s] interlined above canceled ‘his brother’s’.
14. about] followed by canceled ‘the things’.
15. found] written over ‘s’.
16. know] written over ‘s’.
17. had] interlined.
18. stale-mated.] interlined above canceled ‘cornered.’
19. my] originally ‘my’; the underline canceled in pencil.
20. that] interlined following canceled ‘his brother’s’.
21. true?”] follows canceled ‘so?” ’ which follows canceled ‘true?” ’.
22. it. He] originally ‘it. He’; the period mended to a semicolon and ‘h’ written over ‘H’; then ‘and I might keep it over night and examine it at my leisure. Meantime, he’ interlined above canceled ‘he’; then ‘and I . . . Meantime, he’ canceled, the semicolon mended back to a period, and ‘He’ interlined following the period.
23. it] interlined.
24. a mere] interlined above canceled ‘a’.
25. office—for . . . and it] originally ‘office; it’; ‘—for . . . populations’ interlined above the semicolon canceled following ‘office’; ‘in the universe? and’ added on the verso of the MS page with instructions to turn over.
26. merely] interlined.
27. worlds;] written over what appears to be ‘the’.
28. GGG-Bf-202-¶ + -W] the paragraph sign written over what may be a plus sign.
29. petitions] written over wiped-out ‘pr’.
30. 10] originally ‘15’; ‘0’ written over ‘5’.
31. But go on.”] squeezed in; ‘But’ written over closing quotation marks.
32. rivals] written over what may be wiped-out ‘ho’.
33. “Dear sir, this] originally ‘ “This’; ‘Dear sir,’ interlined; the ‘T’ not reduced to ‘t’.
34. on, go . . . but I] originally ‘on. I’; the period mended to a comma; ‘go . . . but’ interlined; the underline below ‘I’ canceled in pencil.
35. “For what?”] written over wiped-out ‘ “For cyclone’.
36. certainly] originally ‘certainly’; the underline canceled in pencil.
37. 1880/1888] ‘1888’ interlined without a caret in pencil above ‘1880’.
38. Never . . . one.] interlined.
39. I do . . . it.] interlined.
40. as] written over wiped-out ‘th’.
41. discredits. . . . made] originally ‘discredits. Especial note is made’; then ‘Especial . . . made’ canceled, closing quotation marks added following ‘discredits.’, and quotation marks opening a new paragraph added on the following line; then the closing and opening quotation marks canceled and ‘Especial . . . made’ rewritten to continue the paragraph.
42. for] written over wiped-out ‘e’.
43. almost] interlined.
44. under] followed by canceled ‘the head of Unspok’.
45. dear,] ‘me,’ interlined following ‘dear’ above a canceled comma; then ‘me’ canceled in pencil.
46. Ah,] written over wiped-out ‘Oh,’.
47. What?—] interlined.
48. two.] the period mended from an exclamation point.
49. of,] followed by canceled ‘anyway’.
50. finishing] followed by canceled ‘I realiz’.
51. please;] followed by canceled ‘since’.
52. well] squeezed in.
53. Manifest] originally ‘manifest’; the ‘m’ underlined three times.
54. are known] originally ‘is known’; wiped out; then ‘is’ rewritten and canceled; then ‘are known’ written over wiped-out ‘known’.
55. Worship, etc.] followed by canceled ‘These kinds’.
56. ‘weather . . . naked.’] the single quotation marks written over double quotation marks.
57. ‘better] the single quotation mark written over a double quotation mark.
58. ‘none . . . ours.’] the single quotation marks written over double quotation marks.
59. 3,445.] followed by canceled ¶ ‘The opposites of these three petitions were offered by you on the same day’.
60. we grant] originally ‘this office grants’; ‘this office’ and ‘s’ of ‘grants’ canceled; ‘we’ interlined.
61. Sunday School] interlined.
62. Prayers] originally ‘prayers’; the ‘p’ underlined three times.
63. stripe.] originally ‘stripe.’; ‘grade’ written over ‘stripe’; ‘brand.’ interlined above canceled ‘grade.’; ‘brand.’ canceled and ‘stripe.’ interlined.
64. the petitioner’s] interlined above canceled ‘his’.
65. on, please.”] originally ‘on, go on.” ’; ‘, please.” ’ written over the period and the closing quotation marks; then ‘go on,’ canceled in pencil.
66. this office] written over wiped-out ‘we cr’.
67. “Hold on,] interlined above canceled ‘ “Great Scott,’.
68. basest,] interlined above canceled ‘orneriest’.
69. “A perfectly . . . sound.”] squeezed in to replace canceled ¶ ‘ “Sound as a nut, every time—” ’; ‘as a nut,’ interlined.
70. “Unfounded . . . sure.”] squeezed in to replace canceled ¶ ‘ “Un—come, what are you giving me?” ’.
71. well,] followed by canceled ‘well,’.
72. ch] interlined.
73. she] followed by canceled ‘could’.
74. but had] ‘but’ interlined; a caret following ‘had’ wiped out.
75. upon a page by itself] ‘upon a page’ interlined; ‘itself’ followed by canceled ‘upon’.
76. ‘What . . . earth?’] the single quotation marks mended from double quotation marks.
77. hell.”] followed by canceled ¶ ‘ “Well, it is wonderful—wonderful. I am very, very glad you read it to me.’
78. steeped] written over wiped-out ‘abs’.
79. form, grace and finish;] squeezed in.
80. for] written on a page numbered 396, following a passage which was revised then canceled at the top of the page. The original page number, ‘376’, was canceled (the present MS page 376 begins shortly after superscript number 27 in this transcription and includes ¶ ‘I was ashamed’ through ‘a mere clerk?” ’). The canceled and revised passage reads ‘was then begun, and in due time finished; and I here reproduce it without change. It is curiously modern in tone and finish; which was very flattering to my pride of country,’; ‘reproduce’ follows canceled ‘furnish it correctly from memory, without modifications except of language.’; ‘and finish’ is interlined.
81. sacred and viewless] interlined.
82. probably] interlined.
2. solid] follows canceled ‘s’; ‘costly’ interlined without a caret above ‘solid’, then canceled.
3. insubstantial] ‘expensive’ interlined without a caret above this word, then canceled.
I closed . . . pick] Written over a series of penciled working notes that read:
Gang of slaves on road.
Auction & speeches at village inn.
A slave slipped & whipped.
Indulgences
Liver pad
Girard College