A Competitive Examination
When the king traveled, for change of air, or made a progress, or visited a distant noble whom he wished to bankrupt with the cost of his keep, part of the administration moved with him. It was a fashion of the time. The Commission charged with the examination of candidates for posts in the army came with the king to the valleyⒶemendation, whereas they could have transacted their business just as well at home. And although this expeditionⒶalteration in the MS was strictly a holiday excursion for the king, he kept some of his business functions going, just the same. He touched for the evilⒺexplanatory note as usual; he held court [begin page 285] in the gate at sunrise and tried causesⒶrejected substantive Ⓐtextual note Ⓐalteration in the MS, for he was himself Chief Justice of the King’s Bench.
He shone very well in this latter office. He was a wise and humane judge, and he clearly did his honest best and fairest,—according to his lights. Yes, according to his lights.Ⓐrejected substantive Ⓐtextual note ThatⒶrejected substantive is a large reservation. His lights—I mean his rearing—often colored his decisions. Whenever there was a dispute between a noble or gentleman, and a person of lower degree, the king’s leanings and sympathies were for the former class always, whether he suspected it or not. It was impossible that this should be otherwise. The blunting effects of slavery upon the slaveholder’s moral perceptions are known and conceded, the world over, and a privileged class, an aristocracy, is but a band of slaveholders under another name. ThisⒶalteration in the MS has a harsh sound, and yet should not be offensive to any— to evenⒶrejected substantive Ⓐtextual note the noble himself—unless the fact itself be an offenceⒶemendation: for the statement simply formulates a fact. The repulsive feature of slavery is the thing, not itsⒶalteration in the MS name. One needs but to hear an aristocrat speak of the classes that are below him to recognize—and in but indifferentlyⒶalteration in the MS modified measure—Ⓐalteration in the MSthe very air and tone of the actual slaveholder; and behind these are the slaveholder’s spiritⒶemendation, the slaveholder’s blunted feeling. They are the result of the same cause, in both cases: the possessor’s old and inbred custom of regarding himself as a superior being. The king’s judgments wrought frequent injustices, but it was merely the fault of his training, his natural and unalterable sympathies. He was as unfitted for a judgeship as would be the average mother for the position of milk-distributor to starving children in famine-time; herⒶalteration in the MS own children would fare a shade better than the rest.
One very curious caseⒺexplanatory note came before the king. A young girl, an orphan, who hadⒶtextual note a considerable estate, married a fine young fellow who had nothing. The girl’s property was within a seignory held by the Church. The bishop of the diocese, an arrogant scion of the great nobility, claimed the girl’s estate, on the ground that she had married privatelyⒶalteration in the MS, and thus had cheated the Church out of one of its rights as lord of the seignory—the one heretofore referred to as le droit du Seigneur Ⓐalteration in the MS. The penalty of refusal or avoidance was confiscation. The girl’s defence was, that the lordship of the seignory was vested in the bishop, and the particular right here involved was not transferable, but must be exercised by the lord himself or stand vacated; and that [begin page 286] an older law, of the Church itself, strictly barred the bishop from exercising it. It wasⒶalteration in the MS a very odd case, indeed.Ⓐemendation Ⓐrejected substantive Ⓐalteration in the MS
It remindedⒶtextual note me of something I had read in my youth about the ingenious way in which the Aldermen of London raised the money that built the Mansion HouseⒺexplanatory note. A personⒶalteration in the MS who had not taken the Sacrament according to the Anglican rite, could not stand as a candidate for sheriffⒶemendation of London. Thus Dissenters were ineligible; they could not run if asked, they could not serve if elected. The Aldermen, who without any question were Yankees in disguise, hit upon this neat device: they passed a bye-law imposing a fine of £400 upon any one who should refuse to be a candidate for sheriff, and a fine of £600 upon any person who, after being elected sheriff, refused to serve. Then they went to work and elected a lot of Dissenters, one after anotherⒶalteration in the MS; and kept it up until they had collected £15,000 in fines; and there stands the stately Mansion House to this day, to keep the blushing citizen in mind of a long past and lamented day when a band of Yankees slipped into London and played games of the sort that has given their raceⒶalteration in the MS a unique and shady reputation among all trulyⒶemendation good and holy peoples that be in the earth.
The girl’s case seemed strong, to me; the bishop’s case was just as strong. I did not see how the king was going to get out of this hole. But he got out. I append his decision:
“Truly I find small difficulty here, the matter being even a child’s affair for simpleness. An the young bride had conveyed notice, as in dutyⒶalteration in the MS bound, to her feudal lord and proper master and protector the bishop, she hadⒶalteration in the MS suffered no loss, for the said bishop could have got a dispensation making him, for temporary conveniency, eligible to the exercise of his said right, and thus would she have kept all she had. Whereas, failing in her first duty, she hath by that failure failed in all; for whoso, clinging to a rope, severeth it above his hands, must fall; it being no defence to claim that the rest of the rope is sound, neither any deliverance from his peril, as he shall find. Pardy, the woman’s case is rotten at the source. It is the decreeⒶalteration in the MS of the court that she forfeit to the said lord bishop all her goods, even to the lastⒶalteration in the MS farthing that she doth possess, and be theretoⒶalteration in the MS mulcted in the costs. Next!”
Here was a tragic end to a beautiful honeymoon not yet three months old. Poor young creatures! They had lived these three months lapped to the lips in worldly comforts. These clothes and trinketsⒶalteration in the MS [begin page 287]
WellⒶtextual note Ⓐemendation, the king was out of the hole; and on terms satisfactory to the Church and the rest of the aristocracy, no doubt. Men write many fine and plausible arguments in support of monarchy, but the fact remains that where every man in a State has a vote, brutal laws are impossibleⒶalteration in the MS. Arthur’s peopleⒶalteration in the MS were of course poor material for a republic, because they hadⒶalteration in the MS been debased so long by monarchy; and yet even they would have been intelligent enough to make short work of that lawⒶalteration in the MS which the king had just been administering if it had been submitted to their full and free vote. There is a phrase which has grown so common in the world’s mouth that it has come to seem to have sense and meaning—the sense and meaning implied when it is used: that is the phrase which refers to this orⒶalteration in the MS that or the other nation as possibly being “capable of self-government;” and the implied sense of it is, that there has been a nation somewhere, some time or other, which wasn’t capable of it—wasn’t as ableⒶalteration in the MS to govern itself as someⒶalteration in the MS self-appointed specialists were or would beⒶalteration in the MS to govern it. The master minds of all nations, in all ages, have sprung, in affluentⒶalteration in the MS multitude, from the mass of the nation, and from the mass of the nation only—not from its privileged classes; and so, no matter what the nation’s intellectualⒶalteration in the MS grade was, whether high or low, the bulk of its ability was in the longⒶalteration in the MS ranks of its nameless and its poor, and so it never saw the day that it had not the material in abundance whereby to govern itself. Which is to assert an always self-proven fact: that even the best governed and most free and most enlightened monarchy is still behindⒶalteration in the MS the best condition attainable by its people; and thatⒶalteration in the MS the same is true of kindred governments of lower grades, all the way down to the lowest.
King Arthur had hurried up the army business altogether beyond my calculationsⒶalteration in the MS. I had not supposed he would move in the matter while I was away; andⒶalteration in the MS so I had not mapped out a scheme for determiningⒶalteration in the MS the merits of officers; I had only remarked that it would be wise to submit every candidate to a sharp and searching examination; and privately I meant to put together a list of military qualifications that nobody could answer to but my West Pointers. That ought to have been attended to before I left; for the king was so taken with the idea of a standing army that he couldn’t wait, but must get about it at once, and get up as good a scheme of examination as he could invent out of his own head.
[begin page 289]I was impatient to see what this was; and to show, too, how much more admirable was the one which I should display to the Examining Board. I intimated this, gently, to the king, and itⒶemendation fired his curiosity. When the Board was assembled, I followed him in, and behind us came the candidates. One of these candidates was a bright young West Pointer of mine, and with him wereⒶalteration in the MS a couple of my West Point professors.
When I saw the Board, I did not know whether to cry or to laugh. The head of it was the officer known to later centuries asⒶalteration in the MS Norroy King-at-ArmsⒺexplanatory note! The two other members were chiefs of bureaux in his department; and all three were priests, of course; all officials who had to know how to read and write were priests.Ⓐalteration in the MS
My candidate was called first, out of courtesy to me, and the head of the Board opened on him, with official solemnity:
“Name?”
“Mal-ease.”
“Son of?”
“Webster.”
“Webster—Webster. Hm—I—my memory faileth to recal the name. Condition?”
“Weaver.”
“Weaver!—God keep us!”
TheⒶalteration in the MS king was staggered, from his summitⒶalteration in the MS to his foundationsⒶemendation; one clerk fainted, and the others came near it. The Chairman pulled himself together, and said indignantly:
“It is sufficient. Get you hence.”
But I appealed to the king. I begged that my candidate might be examined. The king was willing, but the Board, who were all well-born folk, implored the king to spare them the indignity of examining the weaver’s son. I knew they didn’t know enough to examine him anyway, so I joined my prayers to theirs, and the king turned the duty over to my professors. I had hadⒶalteration in the MS a blackboard prepared, and it was put up, now, and the circus began. It was beautiful to hear the ladⒶemendation lay out the science of war, and wallow in detailsⒶemendation of battle and siege, of supply, transportation, mining and countermining, grand tactics, big strategy and little strategy, signal service, infantry, cavalry, artillery, and all about siege guns, field guns, gatling guns, rifled guns, smooth bores, musket practice, revolver practice—and not a solitary word of [begin page 290] it all could these catfish make head or tail of, you understand—and it was handsome to see him chalkⒶalteration in the MS off mathematical nightmaresⒶemendation on the blackboard that would stump the angels themselves, and do it like nothing, too—all about eclipsesⒶalteration in the MS, and comets, and solstices, and constellations, and mean time,Ⓐemendation and sidereal time, and dinner time, and bedtime, and every other imaginable thing above the clouds or under them that you couldⒶalteration in the MS harry or bullyragⒶemendation an enemy with and make him wish he hadn’t come—and when the boy made his military salute and stood asideⒶalteration in the MS at last, I was proud enough to hug him, and all those other people were so dazed they looked partly petrified,Ⓐalteration in the MS partly drunkⒶalteration in the MS, and wholly caught out and snowed under.Ⓐalteration in the MS I judgedⒶalteration in the MS that the cake was ours, and by a large majority.
Education is a great thing. This wasⒶalteration in the MS the same youth who had come to West Point so ignorant that when I asked him, “If a general officer should have a horse shot under him on the field of battle, what ought he toⒶalteration in the MS do?”Ⓐalteration in the MS answered up naively and said:
“Get up and brush himself.”
One of the young nobles was called up, now. I thought I would question him a little myself. I said:
“Can your lordship read?”
His face flushed indignantly, and he fired this at me:
[begin page 291]“Takest me for a clerk? IⒶalteration in the MS trow I am not of a blood that—”
“Answer the question!”
He crowded his wrath down and made out to answer “No.”
“Can you write?”
He wanted to resent this, too,Ⓐemendation but I said:
“You will confine yourself to the questions,Ⓐalteration in the MS and make no comments. You are not here to air your blood or your graces, and nothing of the sort will be permitted. Can you write?”
“No.”
“Do you know the multiplication table?”
“I wit not what ye refer to.”
“How much is 9 times 6?”
“It is a mystery that is hidden from me, by reason that the emergency requiring the fathoming of it hath not in my life-days occurred, and so, not having noⒶrejected substantive need to know this thing, I abide barren of the knowledge.”
“If A trade a barrel of onions to B, worth 2 pence the bushel, in exchange for a sheep worth 4 pence, and a dog worth a penny, and C kill the dog before delivery, because bitten by the sameⒶemendation, who mistook him for D, what sum is still due to A from B, and which party pays for the dog, CⒶalteration in the MS or D, and who gets the money? if A, is the penny sufficient, or may he claim consequential damages in the form of additional money to represent the possible profit which might have inured from the dog, and classifiable as earned increment,Ⓐalteration in the MS that is to say, usufruct?”
“Verily, in the all-wise and unknowable providence of God, who moveth in mysterious waysⒶalteration in the MS his wonders to perform, have I never heard the fellow to this question for confusionⒶalteration in the MS of the mind and congestionⒶemendation Ⓐrejected substantive Ⓐtextual note Ⓐalteration in the MS of the ductsⒶalteration in the MS of thought. WhereforeⒶalteration in the MS I beseech you let the dog and the onions and theseⒶalteration in the MS people of the strange and godless names work out their several salvations from their piteousⒶalteration in the MS and wonderful difficultiesⒶemendation without help of mine, for indeed their trouble is sufficient as it is, whereas an I tried to help I should but damage their cause the more and yet mayhap not live myselfⒶalteration in the MS to see the desolation wrought.”
“What do you know of the lawsⒶalteration in the MS of attraction andⒶalteration in the MS gravitation?”
“If there be such mayhap his grace the king did promulgate them whilst that I lay sick about the beginning of the year and thereby failed to hear his proclamation.”
[begin page 292]“What do you know ofⒶalteration in the MS the science of optics?”
“I know of governors of placesⒶalteration in the MS, and seneschals of castles, and sheriffs of counties, and manyⒶalteration in the MS like small officesⒶalteration in the MS and titles of honor, but him youⒶemendation call the Science of OpticsⒶalteration in the MS I have not heard of before; peradventure it isⒶemendation a new dignity.”
“Yes, in this country.”
Try to conceive of this mollusk gravely applying for an official position, of any kind under the sun! Why, he had all the ear-marks of a type-writer copyist, if you leave out the disposition to contribute uninvited emendations of your grammar and punctuation. It was unaccountable that he didn’t attempt a little help of that sort out of his majestic supply of incapacity for the job. But that didn’t prove that he hadn’t material in him for the disposition, it only proved that he wasn’t a type-writer copyist yet. After nagging him a little more,Ⓐemendation I let the professors loose on him, and they turned him inside out, on the line of scientific war, and found him empty, of course. He knew somewhat about the warfareⒶemendation of the time—bushwhacking around for ogres, and bull-fights in the tourneymentⒶrejected substantive ring, and such things—but otherwise he was empty and useless. Then we took the other young noble in hand, and he was the first one’s twin, for ignorance and incapacity. I delivered them into the hands of the Chairman of the Board with the comfortable consciousness that their cake was dough. They were examined in the previous order of precedence.Ⓐalteration in the MS
“Name, so please you?”
“Pertipole, son of Sir Pertipole, BaronⒶalteration in the MS of BarleyⒶalteration in the MS MashⒺexplanatory note.”
“Grandfather?”
“Also Sir Pertipole, Baron of Barley Mash.”
“Great-grandfather?”
“The same name and title.”
“Great-great-grandfather?”
“We had none, worshipful sir, the line failing before it had reached so far backⒶemendation.”
“It mattereth not. It is a good four generations, and fulfilleth the requirementⒶrejected substantive of the ruleⒶtextual note.”
“Fulfills what rule?” I asked.
“The rule requiring four generations of nobilityⒺexplanatory note orⒶalteration in the MS else the candidate is not eligible.”
“A man not eligible for a lieutenancy in the army unless he can prove four generations of noble descent?”Ⓐalteration in the MS
[begin page 293]“Even so; neither lieutenant nor any other officer may be commissioned without that qualification.”
“Oh come, this is an astonishing thing. What good is such a qualification as that?”
“What good? It is a hardy question, fair sir and Boss, since it doth go far to impugn the wisdom of even our holy Mother Church herself.Ⓐemendation”
“As how?”
“For that she hath established the self-sameⒶemendation rule, regarding saints. By her law none may be canonized until he hath lain dead four generations.”
“I see, I see—it is the same thing. It is wonderful. In the one case a man lies dead-alive, four generations—mummified in ignorance and sloth—and that qualifies him to command live people, and take their weal and woe into his impotent hands; and in the other case, a man lies bedded with death and worms four generations, and that qualifies him for office in the celestial camp. Does the king’s grace approve of this strange law?”
The king said:Ⓐemendation
“Why, truly I see naught about it that is strange. All places of honor and of profit do belong, by natural right, to them that be of noble blood, and so these dignities in the army are their property and would be so without thisⒶemendation or any rule. The rule is but to mark a limit; its purpose is to keep out too recent blood, which would bring into [begin page 294] contempt these offices, and menⒶalteration in the MS of lofty lineage would turn their backs and scorn to take them. I were to blame an I permitted this calamity. You Ⓐemendation can permit it an you are minded so to do, for you have the delegatedⒶemendation authority, but that the king should do it were a most strange madness and not comprehensible to any.”
“I yield. Proceed, sir Chief of the Herald’s College.”
The ChairmanⒶemendation resumed, as follows:
“ByⒶalteration in the MS what illustrious achievement forⒶalteration in the MS the honor of the Throne and State didⒶalteration in the MS the founder of your great line lift himself toⒶalteration in the MS the sacred dignity of the BritishⒶemendation Ⓐrejected substantive Ⓐtextual note nobility?”
“He built a brewery.”
“Sire, the Board finds this candidate perfect in all the requirements and qualifications for military command, and doth hold his case open for decision after due examination of his competitor.”
The competitor came forward and proved exactly four generations of nobility himself. So there was a tie, in military qualifications that farⒶemendation.Ⓐalteration in the MS
He stood aside, a moment, and Sir Pertipole was questioned further:
“Of what condition was the wife of the founder of your line?”
“She came of the highest landed gentry, yet she was not noble; she was gracious, and pure, and charitable, of a blameless life and character, insomuch that in these regards was she peer of the best lady in the land.”
“That will do. Stand down.” He called up the competing lordling again, and asked: “What was the rank and condition of the great-grandmother who conferred British nobility upon your great house?”
“She was a king’s leman,Ⓐalteration in the MS and did climb to that splendid eminence by her own unholpen merit from the sewer whereⒶemendation she was born.”
“Ah, this indeed is true nobility, this is the right and perfect intermixture.Ⓐalteration in the MS The lieutenancy is yours, fair lord. Hold it not in contempt; it is the humble step which will lead to grandeurs more worthy of the splendor of an origin like to thine.”
I was down in the bottomless pit of humiliation. I had promised myself an easy and zenith-scouring triumph, and this was the outcome!Ⓐemendation I was almost ashamed to look my poor disappointed cadet in the face. I told him to go home and be patient, this wasn’t the end.
I had a private audience with the king, and made a proposition. I said it was quite right to officer that regiment with nobilities, and he [begin page 295] couldn’t have done a wiser thing. It would also be a good idea to add five hundred officers to it, in fact, add as many officers as thereⒶemendation were nobles and relativesⒶalteration in the MS of nobles in the country, even if there should finally be five times as many officers as privates in it; and thus make it the crack regiment, the envied regiment, the King’s Own regiment, and entitled to fight on its own hook and in its own way, and go whither it would and come when it pleased, in time of war, and be utterly swell and independent. This would make that regiment the heart’s desire of all the nobility, and they would all be satisfied and happy. Then we would make up the rest of the standing army out of commonplace materials, and officer it with nobodies, as was proper—nobodies selected on a basis of mere efficiency—and we would make this regiment toe the line, allow it no aristocratic freedom from restraint, and force it toⒶemendation do all the work and persistent hammering, to the end that whenever the King’s Own was tired and wanted to go off for a change and rummage around amongst ogres and have a good time, it could go without uneasiness, knowing that matters were in safe hands behind it and business going to be continued at the old stand, same as usual. The kingⒶalteration in the MS was charmed with the idea.Ⓐalteration in the MS
When I noticed that, it gave me a valuable notion. I thought I saw my way out of an old and stubborn difficulty at last. You see, the royalties of the Pendragon stock were a long-lived race and very fruitful. Whenever a child was born to any of these—and it was pretty often—there was wild joy in the nation’s mouth, and piteous sorrow in the nation’s heart. The joy was questionable, but the grief was honest. Because the event meant another call for a Royal GrantⒺexplanatory note. Long was the list of these royalties, and they were a heavy and steadily increasing burden upon the treasury and a menace to the crown. Yet Arthur could not believe this latter fact, and he would not listen to any of my various projects for substituting something in the place of the royal grants. If I could have persuaded him to now and then provide a support for one of these outlying scions from his own pocket, I could have made a grand to-do over it, and it would have had a good effect with the nation; but no, he wouldn’t hear of such a thing. He had something like a religious passion for a royal grant; he seemed to look upon it as a sort of sacred swag, and one could not irritate him in any way so quickly and so surely as by an attack upon that venerable institution. If I ventured to cautiously hint that there [begin page 296] was not another respectable family in England that would humble itself to hold out the hat—however, that is as far as I ever got; he always cut me short, there, and peremptorily, too.
But I believed I saw my chance at last. I would form this crack regiment out of officers alone—not a single private. Half of it should consist of nobles, who should fill all the places up to Major General, and serve gratis and pay their own expenses; and they would be glad to do this when they should learn that the rest of the regiment would consist exclusively of princes of the blood. These princes of the blood should range in rank from Lieutenant General up to Field Marshal, and be gorgeously salaried and equipped and fed by the StateⒶtextual note. Moreover—and this was the master stroke—it should be decreed that these princely grandees should be always addressed by a stunningly gaudy and awe-compelling title, (which I would presently invent,) and they and they only in all England should be so addressed. Finally, all princes of the blood should have freeⒶrejected substantive choice: join that regiment, get that great title, and renounce the royal grant, or stay out and receive a grant. Neatest touch of all: unborn but imminent princes of the blood could be born into the regiment, and start fair, with good wages and a permanent situation, upon due notice from the parents.
All the boys would join, I was sure of that; so, all existing grants would be relinquished; that the newly born would always join was equally certain. Within sixty days that quaint and bizarre anomaly, the Royal Grant, would cease to be a living fact, and take its place among the curiosities of the past.Ⓐemendation Ⓐtextual note
