12 April 1863
Kate Milnor Rabb's The Wit and Humor of America supplies us with the text of “Advice to the Unreliable on Church-Going.” The satire was probably published in the Virginia City Territorial Enterprise on 12 April 1863, for on April 11 Clemens wrote to his mother and his sister, “I have just finished writing up my report for the morning paper, and giving the Unreliable a column of advice about how to conduct himself in church.”1 Since Rabb's text is scarcely “a column” long, and since it ends with ellipsis points, the original piece may well have been somewhat longer.
In the first place, I must impress upon you that when you are dressing for church, as a general thing, you mix your perfumes too much; your fragrance is sometimes oppressive; you saturate yourself with cologne and bergamot, until you make a sort of Hamlet's Ghost of yourself, and no man can decide, with the first whiff, whether you bring with you air from Heaven or from hell. Now, rectify this matter as soon as possible; last Sunday you smelled like a secretary to a consolidated drug store and barber shop. And you came and sat in the same pew with me; now don't do that again.
In the next place when you design coming to church, don't lie in bed until half past ten o'clock and then come in looking all swelled and torpid, like a doughnut. Do reflect upon it, and show some respect for your personal appearance hereafter.
There is another matter, also, which I wish to remonstrate with you about. Generally, when the contribution box of the missionary department is passing around, you begin to look anxious, and fumble in your vest pockets, as if you felt a mighty desire to put all your worldly wealth into it—yet when it reaches your pew, you are sure to be absorbed in your prayer-book, or gazing pensively out of the window at far-off mountains, or buried in meditation, with your sinful head supported by the back of the pew before you. And after the box is gone again, you usually start suddenly and gaze after it with a yearning look, mingled with an expression of bitter disappointment (fumbling your cash again meantime), as if you felt you had missed the [begin page 243] one grand opportunity for which you had been longing all your life. Now, to do this when you have money in your pockets is mean. But I have seen you do a meaner thing. I refer to your conduct last Sunday, when the contribution box arrived at our pew—and the angry blood rises to my cheek when I remember with what gravity and sweet serenity of countenance you put in fifty cents and took out two dollars and a half. . . .Ⓐtextual note
The first printing in the Virginia City Territorial Enterprise for 12 April 1863 is not extant. The sketch survives in the only known reprinting of the Enterprise in Kate Milnor Rabb, ed., The Wit and Humor of America, 5 vols. (Indianapolis: Bobbs-Merrill Company, 1907), 5:1814–1815, which is copy-text. Copy: PH from Library of Congress. The source of Rabb's text and the nature of her printer's copy are not known; see the textural commentary to “Ye Sentimental Law Student” (no. 44). There are no emendations.