Explanatory Notes
Apparatus Notes
MTPDocEd
[begin page 181]
[“ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS” IN THE CALIFORNIAN]
§ 106. Answers to Correspondents
10 June 1865

The second of Clemens' columns for the Californian contained an item—the communication from “Melton Mowbray, Dutch Flat”—which would haunt him in much the same way that a more outrageous hoax, “A Bloody Massacre near Carson” (no. 66), had done in 1863. Imitating a typical occurrence in correspondents' columns, he had Melton Mowbray submit “a lot of doggerel” ostensibly written in Dutch Flat. The verse came, of course, from Byron's “Destruction of Sennacherib,” a poem Clemens and many of his readers had memorized as schoolchildren. He went on to ridicule the unconscious snobbery of the typical editor by pronouncing it “very good Dutch Flat poetry,” but not up to the standards of the “metropolis. It is too smooth and blubbery; it reads like buttermilk gurgling from a jug.” To Clemens' amazement, and delight, the same paper that had been so badly fooled by his “Bloody Massacre” hoax, the Gold Hill News, was again taken in. And as he observed in his next column (no. 107), the San Francisco American Flag also “got sold by the same rather glaring burlesque.” The ensuing newspaper controversy supplied him with material for at least three further columns: nos. 107, 108, and 109.

Clemens selected and revised portions of his second column to help make up a composite “Answers to Correspondents” sketch for the 1867 Jumping Frog book. For the “Melton Mowbray” section he supplied an explanatory footnote in the Yale Scrapbook: “This absurd squib was received in perfect good faith by several editors on the Pacific Coast, & they rated the author unsparingly for not knowing that the ‘Destruction of the Sennacherib[’] was not originally composed in Dutch Flat!” The composite sketch, with the new title Clemens gave it in January or February 1867, is reprinted in the present collection as “Burlesque ‘Answers to Correspondents’ ” (no. 201).

Textual Commentary

The first printing in the Californian 3 (10 June 1865): 9 is copy-text. Copies: Bancroft; PH from Yale; PH of the Yale Scrapbook, pp. 19A–20A.

Reprintings and Revisions. Mark Twain revised clippings of this sketch and four similar sketches from the Californian (nos. 105–109) in the Yale Scrapbook, rejecting portions of each and revising others to assemble a composite sketch for JF1. Only one section of the present sketch, from 184.18 to 185.41, survives in the scrapbook (pp. 20–20A), where Mark Twain struck through most of it; but it is apparent that a complete clipping of the Californian was once present, that the author revised it, and that portions were then peeled away to serve as printer's copy for JF1. A reconstruction of the missing portions as Mark Twain revised them helps to determine what changes he made (see figures 3–4 in the textual introduction, volume 1, pp. 514–515, and figures 106A–B below). For details of the JF1 composite text and its subsequent reprinting and revision, see the textual commentary for “Burlesque ‘Answers to Correspondents’ ” (no. 201). Only the alterations made by Mark Twain in the Yale Scrapbook are recorded here, where they can be keyed to the complete text of the original Californian sketch.

Figure 105A. Page 18A of the Yale Scrapbook. The compilers of JF1 were evidently forced to use scissors when the middle portion of the clipping would not peel away from the scrapbook page without tearing.
Figure 105B. Page 19 of the Yale Scrapbook.
Figure 106A. Page 19A of the Yale Scrapbook, showing the evidence for Mark Twain's conjectured alteration of “yowling” to “howling.”
Figure 106B. Page 20A of the Yale Scrapbook, showing Mark Twain's added footnote.
[begin page 182]
Answers to Correspondents

Amateur Serenader.—Yes, I will give you some advice, and do it with a good deal of pleasure. I live in a neighborhood which is well stocked with young ladies, and consequently I am excruciatingly sensitive upon the subject of serenading. Sometimes I suffer. In the first place, always tune your instruments before you get within three hundred yards of your destination—this will enable you to take your adored unawares, and create a pleasant surprise by launching out at once upon your music; it astonishes the dogs and cats out of their presence of mind, too, so that if you hurry you can get through before they have a chance to recover and interrupt you; besides, there is nothing captivating in the sounds produced in tuning a lot of melancholy guitars and fiddles, and neither does a group of able-bodied, sentimental young men so engaged look at all dignified. Secondly, clear your throats and do all the coughing you have got to do before you arrive at the seat of war—I have known a young lady to be ruthlessly startled out of her slumbers by such a sudden and direful blowing of noses and “h'm-h'm-ing” and coughing, that she imagined the house was beleagueredemendation by victims of consumption from the neighboring hospital; do you suppose the music was able to make her happy after that? Thirdly, don't stand right under the porch and howl, but get out in the middle of the street, or better still, on the other side of it—distance lends enchantment to the sound; if you have previously transmitted a hint to the lady that she is going to be serenaded, she will understand who the music is for; besides, if [begin page 183] you occupy a neutral position in the middle of the street, may be all the neighbors round will take stock in your serenade and invite you in to take wine with them. Fourthly, don't sing a whole opera through—enough of a thing's enough. Fifthly, don't sing Lillyemendation Dale”explanatory note—the profound satisfaction that most of us derive from the reflection that the girl treated of in that song is dead, is constantly marred by the resurrection of the lugubrious ditty itself by your kind of people. Sixthly, don't let your screaming tenor soar an octave above all the balance of the chorus, and remain there setting everybody's teeth on edge for four blocks around; and, above all, don't let him sing a solo; probably there is nothing in the world so suggestive of serene contentment and perfect bliss as the spectacle of a calf chewing a dish-rag, but the nearest approach to it is your reedy tenor, standing apart, in sickly attitude, with head thrown back and eyes uplifted to the moon, piping his distressing solo: now do not pass lightly over this matter, friend, but ponder it with that seriousness which its importance entitles it to. Seventhly, after you have run all the chickens and dogs and cats in the vicinity distracted, and roused them into a frenzy of crowing, and cackling, and yowlingalteration in the MS, and caterwauling, put up your dreadful instruments and go home. Eighthly, as soon as you start, gag your tenor—otherwise he will be letting off a screech every now and then to let the people know he is around; your amateur tenor singer is notoriously the most self-conceited of all God's creatures. Tenthly, don't go serenading at all—it is a wicked, unhappy and seditious practice, and a calamity to all souls that are weary and desire to slumber and bealteration in the MS at rest. Eleventhlytextual note and lastly, the father of the young lady in the next block says that if you come prowling around his neighborhood again with your infamous scraping and tooting and yelling, he will sally forth and deliver you into the hands of the police. As far as I am concerned myself, I would like to have you come, and come often, but as long as the old man is so prejudiced, perhaps you had better serenade mostly in Oakland, or San José, or around there somewhere.

St. Clair Higgins, Los Angeles.—“My life is a failure; I have adored, wildly, madly, and she whom I love has turned coldly from me and shed her affections upon another; what would you [begin page 184] advise me to do?” You should shed your affections on another, also—or on several, if there are enough to go round. Also, do everything you can to make your former flame unhappy. There is an absurd idea disseminated in novels, that the happier a girl is with another man, the happier it makes the old lover she has blighted. Don't youalteration in the MS allow yourself to believe any such nonsense as that. The more cause that girl finds to regret that she did not marry you, the more comfortable you will feel over it. It isn't poetical, but it is mighty sound doctrine.

Arithmeticus, Virginia, Nevada.—“If it would take a cannon-ball 3 ⅓ seconds to travel four miles, and 3 ⅜ seconds to travel the next four, and 3 ⅝ seconds to travel the next four, and if its rate of progress continued to diminish in the same ratio, how long would it take it to go fifteen hundred millions of miles?” I don't know.

Ambitious Learner, Oakland.—Yes, you are right—America was not discovered by Alexander Selkirk.alteration in the MS

Julia Maria.—Fashions? It is out of my line, Maria. How am I to know anything about such mysteries—I that languish alone? Sometimes I am startled into a passing interest in such things, but not often. Now, a few nights ago, I was reading the Dramatic Chronicle explanatory note at the opera, between the acts—reading a poemexplanatory note in it, and reading it after my usual style of ciphering out the merits of poetry, which is to read a line or two near the top, a verse near the bottom and then strike an average, (even professional critics do that)—when—well, it had a curious effect, read as I happened to read it:

“ ‘What shall I wear?’ asked Addie St. Clair,
As she stood by her mirror so young and fair”—

and then I skipped a line or so, while I returned the bow of a strange young lady, who, I observed too late, had intended that courtesy for a ruffian behind me, instead of for myself, and read:

“The modiste replied, ‘It were wicked to hide
Such peerless perfection that should be your pride’ ”—

and then I skipped to the climax, to get my average, and read—

[begin page 185] “ ‘My beautiful bride!’ a low voice replied,
As handsome Will Vernon appeared at her side,
'If you wish from all others my heart to beguile,
Wear a smile to-night, darling—your own sunny smile.'”emendation

Now there's an airy costume for you! a “sunny smile!” There's a costume, which, for simplicity and picturesqueness, grand-discountsalteration in the MS a Georgia major's uniform, which is a shirt-collar and a pair of spurs. But when I came to read the remainder of the poem, it appeared that my new Lady Godiva had other clothes beside her sunny smile, and so—it is not necessary to pursue a subject further which no longer possesses any startling interest. Ask me no questions about fashions,alteration in the MS Julia, but use your individual judgment in the matter—“wear your own sunny smile,” and such millinery traps and trimmings as may be handy and will be likely to set it off to best advantage.alteration in the MS

Nom de Plume.—Behold! the Frenchman cometh again, as follows:

“Your courteous attention to my last enquiry induces this acknowledgment of your kindness. I availed myself of your suggestions and made the enquiry of the gentleman, and he told me very frankly that it was—none of my business. So you see we do sometimes have to apply to your correspondence column for correct information, after all. I read in the papers a few days since some remarks upon the grammatical construction of the sentences—Sic semper traditorisemendation and Sic semper traditoribus,’emendation and I procured a Latin grammar in order to satisfy myself as to the genativetextual note, dative and ablative cases of traitors—and while wending my weary way homewards at a late hour of the night, thinking over the matter, and not knowing what moment some cut-throat would knock me over, and, as he escaped, flourishing my watch and portmonaie, exclaim, Sic semper tyranis,’emendation I stumbled over an individual lying on the sidewalk, with a postage stamp pasted on his hat in lieu of a car ticket, and evidently in the objective case to the phrase ‘how come you so?’emendation As I felt in his pockets to see if his friends had taken care of his money, lest he might be robbed, he exclaimed, tragically, Si(hic) semper tarantula-juice!emendation Not finding the phrase in my grammar, which I examined at once, I thought of your advice and asked him what he meant, said he ‘I mean jis what I say, and I intend to sti-hic to it.’emendation He was quarterless, Twainexplanatory note; when I sounded him he hadn't a cent, although he smelled strong of a 5-scent shopexplanatory note.”alteration in the MS

[begin page 186]

Melton alteration in the MS Mowbray explanatory note, Dutch Flat explanatory note.—This correspondent sends a lot of doggerel, and says it has been regarded as very good in Dutch Flat. I give a specimen verse:

“The Assyrian came down, like a wolf on the fold,
And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold;
And the sheen of his spears shone like stars on the sea,
When the blue wave rolls nightly on deep Galilee.”emendation

There, that will do. That may be very good Dutch Flat poetry, but it won't do in the metropolis. It is too smooth and blubbery; it reads like buttermilk gurgling from a jug. What the people ought to have, is something spirited—something like “Johnny comes marching home.”explanatory note However, keep on practicing, and you may succeed yet. There is genius in you, but too much blubber.

Laura Matilda.—No, Mr. Dan Setchell has never been in the House of Correction. That is to say he never went there by compulsion; he remembers going there once to visit a very dear friend —one of his boyhood's friends—but the visit was merely temporary, and he only staid five or six weeks.

Professional Beggar.—No, you are not obliged to take greenbacks at par.


Note.—Several letters, chiefly from young ladies and young bachelors, remain over, to be answered next week, want of space precluding the possibility of attending to them at present. I always had an idea that most of the letters written to editors were written by the editors themselves. But I find, now, that I was mistakenemendation.alteration in the MS

Editorial Emendations Answers to Correspondents
  beleaguered (JF1)  ●  beleagured
  Lilly (I-C)  ●  Lily
  smile.'” (I-C)  ●  smile.‸”
  ‘Sic . . . traditoris’ (I-C)  ●  “Sic . . . traditoris
  ‘Sic . . . traditoribus,’ (I-C)  ●  “Sic . . . traditoribus,”
  ‘Sic . . . tyranis,’ (I-C)  ●  “Sic . . . tyranis,”
  ‘how . . . so?’ (I-C)  ●  “how . . . so?”
  ‘Si(hic) . . . juice!’ (I-C)  ●  “Si(hic) . . . juice!”
  ‘I . . . it.’ (I-C)  ●  “I . . . it.”
  Galilee.” (JF1)  ●  Galilee.'
  mistaken (I-C)  ●  mistakan
Alterations in the Manuscript Answers to Correspondents
  Amateur . . . Selkirk.] peeled away.
   Source: Yale Scrapbook
 yowling] altered to ‘howling’.
   Source: Yale Scrapbook
 be] altered to ‘would be’.
   Source: Yale Scrapbook
 you] deleted.
   Source: Yale Scrapbook
  Julia . . . fashions,] canceled in pencil.
   Source: Yale Scrapbook
 grand-discounts] altered to ‘discounts’.
   Source: Yale Scrapbook
 Julia . . . advantage.] left uncanceled.
   Source: Yale Scrapbook
  Nom . . . shop.”] canceled in ink.
   Source: Yale Scrapbook
  Melton . . . mistaken.] peeled away.
   Source: Yale Scrapbook
  Melton] an asterisk and the following footnote added: ‘*This absurd squib was received in perfect good faith by several editors on the Pacific Coast, & they rated the author unsparingly for not knowing that the “Destruction of the Sennacherib was not originally composed in Dutch Flat!’
   Source: Yale Scrapbook
Textual Notes Answers to Correspondents
 Tenthly . . . Eleventhly] Mark Twain omitted “Ninthly.” Although “Ninthly . . . Tenthly” would be arithmetically correct, it would be comically deficient. The author clearly intends to raise a smile with his long enumeration and particularly with his silly word “Eleventhly.” Since emendation would sacrifice humor for mere arithmetic precision, we have not corrected the inaccuracy.
 genative] The first of two spelling errors in the Frenchman's letter (see also “tyrains” at 185.31). Although the errors may be Mark Twain's oversight, the possibility that they are intended signs of the Frenchman's ignorance cannot be excluded, and we have therefore not emended in either case.
Explanatory Notes Answers to Correspondents
 “Lilly Dale”] A sentimental ballad by H. S. Thompson.
  Dramatic Chronicle] This small, saucy San Francisco news sheet on the city's amusements had been started the preceding January by Charles and Michael H. de Young and was distributed free in theaters, restaurants, and other public places. It rapidly evolved into a full-fledged daily newspaper, and from 1 September 1868 was known as merely the Chronicle. Clemens joined its staff in October 1865 (Clemens to Orion and Mollie Clemens, 19–20 October 1865, CL1 , letter 95).
 poem] “For the Ladies,” a poem “written for the Dramatic Chronicle,” had appeared on 3 June 1865 (p. 2). Clemens quoted, in order, lines 1–2, 5–6, and the last four lines but two, which he omitted in order to sharpen his comic point. He italicized “Wear a smile.”
  quarterless, Twain] “Nom de Plume's” pun on Clemens' use of the leadsman's cry in the June 3 column (no. 105) is carried out in the river term “sounded.”
 5-scent shop] A five-cent shop was a saloon selling cheap low-quality liquor.
  Melton Mowbray] A town northeast of Leicester, England.
  Dutch Flat] A town in Placer County, California, settled by two Germans in 1851. It is situated near the Bear River, about thirty miles northeast of Auburn.
 “Johnny comes marching home.”] Patrick Sarsfield Gilmore's song “When Johnny Comes Marching Home” was very popular in 1865, especially among Union soldiers mustered out of service.