17–23 June 1864
Clemens became the local reporter for the San Francisco Morning Call soon after he arrived from Virginia City at the end of May 1864. This letter to his former newspaper, the Virginia City Territorial Enterprise, leaves no doubt that his new pleasurable surroundings had not abated his skeptical cast of mind.
The original printing in the Enterprise does not survive, but the text is preserved in the San Francisco Golden Era for 26 June 1864, which introduced the extract as follows: “The Sage-Brush Humorist from Silver-Land, ‘Mark Twain,’ has come to town, and stops at the Occidental. He discourses the Territorial Enterprise.” The date of the first printing is not known, but since Clemens says that Caroline Richings had been playing at Maguire's Opera House “during the past fortnight,” and since she had opened there on May 30, the letter might have been composed about June 14 and, allowing three days' transit time, published as early as June 17. On the other hand, the “fortnight” reference may not be precise, and the letter might have been written and published somewhat later. Mark Twain's comment on the momentary upward trend in Gould and Curry stock establishes the latest possible date of composition as June 20 or 21, for on June 22 the stock resumed its downward plunge. But still assuming three days' transit time from Virginia to San Francisco, the Era could not have published the letter on June 26 if it had appeared later than June 23. We therefore conjecture publication as sometime between June 17 and 23.
To Ⓐemendation a Christian who has toiled months and months in Washoe; whose hair bristles from a bed of sand, and whose soul is caked with a cement of alkali dust; whose nostrils know no perfume but the rank odor of sage-brush—and whose eyes know no landscape but barren mountains and desolate plains; where the winds blow, and the sun blisters, and the broken spirit of the contrite heartⒺexplanatory note finds joy and peace only in LimburgerⒶemendation cheese and lager beer— unto such a Christian, verily the Occidental Hotel is Heaven on the half shell. He may even secretly consider it to be Heaven on the entire shell, but his religion teaches a sound Washoe Christian that it would be sacrilege to say it.
Here you are expected to breakfast on salmon, fried oysters and other substantials from 6 till half-past 12Ⓐemendation; you are required to lunch on cold fowl and so forth, from half-past 12 until 3; you are obliged to skirmish through a dinner comprising such edibles as the world produces, and keep it up, from 3 until half-past 7; you are then compelled to lay siegeⒶemendation to the tea-table from half-past 7 until 9 o'clock, at which hour, if you refuse to move upon the supper works and destroy oysters gotten up in all kinds of seductive styles until 12 o'clock, the landlord will certainly be offended, and you might as well move your trunk to some other establishment. [It is a pleasure to me to observe, incidentally, that I am on good terms with the landlord yet.]
Why don't you send DanⒺexplanatory note down into the Gould & Curry mine, to see whether it has petered out or not, and if so, when it will be [begin page 11] likely to peter in again. The extraordinary decline of that stockⒺexplanatory note has given rise to the wildest surmises in the way of accounting for it, but among the lot there is harm in but one, which is the expressed belief on the part of a few that the bottom has fallen out of the mine. Gould & Curry is climbing again, however.
It has been many a day since San Francisco has seen livelier times in her theatrical department than at present. Large audiences are to be found nightly at the Opera House, the Metropolitan, the Academy of Music, the American, the New IdeaⒺexplanatory note, and even the MuseumⒺexplanatory note Ⓐemendation, which is not as good a one as Barnum's. The Circus companyⒺexplanatory note, also, played a lucrative engagement, but they are gone on their travels now. The graceful, charming, clipper-built Ella ZoyaraⒺexplanatory note was very popular.
Miss Caroline RichingsⒺexplanatory note has played during the past fortnight at Maguire's Opera House to large and fashionable audiences, and has delighted them beyond measure with her sweet singing. It sounds improbable, perhaps, but the statement is true, nevertheless.
You will hear of the Metropolitan, now, from every visitorⒶemendation to Washoe. It opened under the management of the new lesseesⒶemendation, Miss Annette InceⒺexplanatory note and Julia Dean HayneⒺexplanatory note, with a company who are as nearly all stars as it was possible to make it. For instance —Annette Ince, Emily JordanⒺexplanatory note, Mrs. JudahⒺexplanatory note, Julia Dean Hayne, James H. TaylorⒺexplanatory note, Frank LawlorⒺexplanatory note, Harry CourtaineⒺexplanatory note and Fred. FranksⒺexplanatory note, (my favorite Washoe tragedian, whose name they have put in small letters in the programme, when it deserves to be in capitals—because,Ⓐemendation whatever part they give him to play, don't he always play it well? and does he not possess the first virtue of a comedian, which is to do humorous things with grave decorum and without seeming to know that they are funny?)Ⓐemendation
The birds, and the flowers, and the Chinamen, and the winds, and the sunshine, and all things that go to make life happy, are present in San Francisco to-day, just as they are all days in the year. Therefore, one would expect to hear these things spoken of, and gratefully, and disagreeable matters of little consequence allowed to pass without comment. I say, oneⒶemendation would suppose that. But don't you deceive yourself—any one who supposes anything of the kind, supposes an absurdity. The multitude of pleasant [begin page 12] things by which the people of San Francisco are surrounded are not talked of at all. No—they damn the wind, and they damn the dust, and they give all their attention to damning them well, and to all eternity. The blasted winds and the infernal dust—these alone form the eternal topics of conversation, and a mighty absurd topic it seems to one just out of Washoe. There isn't enough wind here to keep breath in my body, or dust enough to keep sand in my craw. But it is human nature to find fault—to overlook that which is pleasant to the eye, and seek after that which is distasteful to it. You take a stranger into the Bank ExchangeⒺexplanatory note and show him the magnificent picture of Sampson and DelilahⒺexplanatory note, and what is the first object he notices?—Sampson's fine face and flaming eye? or the noble beauty of his form? or the lovely, half-nude Delilah? or the muscular Philistine behind Sampson, who is furtively admiring her charms? or the perfectly counterfeited folds of the rich drapery below her knees? or the symmetry and truth to nature of Sampson's left foot? No, sir, the first thing that catches his eye is the scissors on the floor at Delilah's feet, and the first thing he says, “Them scissors is too modern—there warn't no scissors like that in them days, by a d—d sight!”
Mark Twain.Ⓐtextual note
The first printing in the Virginia City Territorial Enterprise, probably sometime between 17 and 23 June 1864, is not extant. The sketch survives in the only known contemporary reprinting of the Enterprise, the San Francisco Golden Era 12 (26 June 1864): 3, which is copy-text. Copies: PH from Bancroft and from Yale.