The news was all over town in two minutes, and you could see the people tearing down on the run, fromⒶemendation every which wayⒶemendation, some of them putting on their coatsⒶemendation as they comeⒺexplanatory note. Pretty soon we was in the middle of a crowd, and the noise of the tramping was like a soldier-marchⒶemendation. The windows and door-yardsⒶhistorical collation was full; and every minute somebody would say, over a fence:
“Is it them?”
And somebody trotting along with the gang would answer back and say:Ⓐhistorical collation
“You bet it is.”
When we got to the house, the street in front of it was packed, and the three girls was standing in the door. Mary Jane was red-headedⒶemendation, but that don’t make no difference, she was most awful beautiful, and her face and her eyes was all lit up like glory, she was so glad her uncles was come. The king he spread his arms, and Mary Jane she jumped for them, and theⒶalteration in the MS hare-lipⒶemendation jumped for the duke, and there they had it! Everybody,Ⓐhistorical collation most, leastways women, cried for joy to see them meetⒶemendation at lastⒶtextual note and have such good times.Ⓐalteration in the MS Ⓐemendation
Then the kingⒶemendation he hunched the duke, private—I see him do it—and then he looked around and see the coffin, over in the corner on two chairs; so then, him and the duke, with a hand across each other’s shoulder, and t’otherⒶemendation hand to their eyes, walked slow and solemn over there, everybody dropping back to give them room, and all the talk and noise stopping, people saying “Sh!” andⒶalteration in the MS all the men taking their hats off and drooping their heads, so you could a heardⒶhistorical collation [begin page 212] a pin fall. And when they got there, they bent over and looked in the coffin,Ⓐalteration in the MS and took one sight, and then they bust out a cryingⒶhistorical collation so you could a heardⒶhistorical collation them to Orleans, most; and then they put their arms around each other’s necks, and hung their chins over each other’s shoulders; and then for three minutes, or maybeⒶhistorical collation four, I never see two men leak the way they doneⒶemendation. And mind you, everybody was doing the same; and the place was that damp I never see anything like it. Then one of them got on one side of the coffin, and t’other on t’otherⒶemendation side, and they kneeledⒶemendation down and rested their foreheads on the coffin, and let on to pray,Ⓐhistorical collation all to their selvesⒶhistorical collation. Well, when it come to that, it worked the crowd like you never see anything like it, and soⒶemendation everybody broke down andⒶemendation went to sobbing right out loud—the poor girls, too; and every woman, nearly, went up to the girls, without saying a word, and kissed them, solemn, on the forehead, and then put their hand on their head, and looked up towardsⒶhistorical collation the skyⒶemendation, with the tears running down, and thenⒶalteration in the MS busted out and went off sobbing and swabbing, and give the next womanⒶalteration in the MS a show. I never see anything so disgusting.Ⓐhistorical collation
Well, by and byⒶhistorical collation the king he getsⒶemendation up and comesⒶemendation forward a little, [begin page 213] and works himself up and slobbers out a speech, all full of tears and flapdoodle about its being a sore trial for him and his poor brother to lose the diseased, and to miss seeing diseasedⒶemendation alive, after the longⒶemendation journey of four thousand mile,Ⓐemendation but it’sⒶhistorical collation a trial that’s sweetened and sanctified to us by this dear sympathy and these holy tears,Ⓐemendation and so he thanks them out of his heart and out of his brother’s heart, because out of their mouths they can’t, words being too weak and cold,Ⓐemendation and all that kind of rot and slush, till it was just sickening; and then he blubbers out a pious goody-goody Amen, and turns himself loose and goes to crying fit to bust.Ⓐemendation
And the minute the words was out of his mouth somebody overⒶalteration in the MS in the crowd struck up the doxolojer, and everybody joinedⒶemendation in with all their mightⒶemendation, and it just warmed you up and made you feel as good as church letting out. Music is a good thing; and after all that soul-butter and hogwashⒶemendation Ⓔexplanatory note, I never see it freshen up thingsⒶemendation so,Ⓐhistorical collation and sound so honest andⒶemendation bully.Ⓐalteration in the MS
Then the king begins to work his jaw again, and says how him and his niecesⒶalteration in the MS Ⓐemendation would be glad if a few of the main principalⒶemendation friends of the family would take supper here withⒶalteration in the MS themⒶhistorical collation this evening,Ⓐhistorical collation and help setⒶemendation up with the ashes of the diseasedⒺexplanatory note; and says ifⒶemendation hisⒶemendation poor brother laying yonder could speak, he knowsⒶalteration in the MS Ⓐemendation who he would name,Ⓐemendation for they was names that was very dear to him, and mentioned often in his letters; and soⒶemendation heⒶemendation will name the same, to-witⒶhistorical collation, as follows, vizz:Ⓐhistorical collation Rev. Mr. Hobson, and deaconⒶhistorical collation Lot Hovey, and Mr.Ⓐalteration in the MS Ben Rucker, and Abner Shackleford, and Levi Bell, and Dr.Ⓐemendation Robinson, and their wives, and the widow Bartley.Ⓐemendation
Rev.Ⓐalteration in the MS Hobson and Dr. Robinson was down to the end of the town, a-huntingⒶemendation together;Ⓐalteration in the MS that is, I mean the doctor was shipping a sick man to t’otherⒶemendation world, and the preacher was pintingⒶhistorical collation him right. Lawyer Bell was awayⒶalteration in the MS up to Louisville on someⒶemendation business. But the rest was on hand, and so they all come and shook hands with the king and thanked him and talked to him; and then they shook hands with the duke, and didn’t say nothing,Ⓐhistorical collation but just kept a-smiling and bobbingⒶemendation their heads like a passel of sapheadsⒶalteration in the MS whilst he made all sorts of signs with his handsⒶhistorical collation and saidⒶhistorical collation “Goo-goo—goo-goo-gooⒶalteration in the MS,” all the time, like a baby that can’t talk.
So the king he blatted along, and managed to inquire about pretty much everybody and dogⒶemendation in town,Ⓐhistorical collation by hisⒶemendation name, and mentioned all [begin page 214] sorts of little things that happenedⒶemendation one time or anotherⒶemendation in the town, or to George’s family, or to PeterⒶalteration in the MS; and he always let on that Peter wrote him the things, but that was a lie, heⒶhistorical collation got every blessed one of them out ofⒶemendation that young flathead that we canoed up to the steamboatⒶemendation.
Then Mary Jane she fetched the letter her uncleⒶemendation Ⓐtextual note left behind, and the king he read it out loud and cried over it. It give the dwelling houseⒶhistorical collation and three thousand dollars, gold, to the girls; and it give the tanyardⒶalteration in the MS,Ⓐhistorical collation (which was doing a good business,)Ⓐhistorical collation along with some otherⒶalteration in the MS houses and land (worth about sevenⒶalteration in the MS thousand,)Ⓐhistorical collation and three thousandⒶalteration in the MS dollars in gold,Ⓐhistorical collation to Harvey and William, and told where the six thousand cashⒶalteration in the MS was hid,Ⓐhistorical collation down cellar. So these two frauds said they’dⒶemendation go and fetch it up, and have everything square and aboveboard;Ⓐhistorical collation and told me to come with a candle. We shut the cellar door behindⒶemendation us, and when they found the bag they spiltⒶemendation it out on the floor, and it was a lovely sight, all them yaller-boysⒶemendation. My, the way the king’s eyes did shine! He slaps the duke on the shoulder, and says:
“OⒶhistorical collation, this ain’t bullyⒶhistorical collation nor noth’n! O,Ⓐhistorical collation no, I reckonⒶemendation not! Why, Biljy, it beats the Nonesuch—Ⓐemendation don’t it!”
The duke allowed it did. They pawed the yaller-boysⒶemendation, and sifted them through their fingers and let them jingle downⒶemendation on the floor; and the king says:
“It ain’t no use talkin’:Ⓐhistorical collation bein’Ⓐalteration in the MS brothers to a rich dead man, and representatives of furrinⒶemendation heirs that’s got left, is the line for you and me, Bilge. Thish-yer comes of trust’n to Providence. It’s the best way, in the long run. I’ve tried ’em all, and ther’Ⓐemendation ain’t no better way.Ⓐhistorical collation”
Most everybodyⒶemendation would a beenⒶhistorical collation satisfied with the pile, and took it on trust; but no, they must count it. So they countsⒶemendation it, and it comesⒶemendation out four hundred and fifteenⒶalteration in the MS dollars short. Says the king:
“Dern him,Ⓐhistorical collation I wonder what he done with that four hunderdⒶemendation and fifteen dollars?”
They worried over that,Ⓐhistorical collation a whileⒶhistorical collation, and ransacked all around for it. Then the duke says:
“Well, he was a pretty sick man, and likely he made a mistake—I reckon that’s the way of it. The best way’s to let it go, and keep still about it. We can spare it.”
“Oh, shucks, yes, we can spare it. I don’t k’yer noth’n ’boutⒶemendation that—it’s the count I’m thinkin’Ⓐemendation about. We want to be awful square and open and aboveboardⒶhistorical collation, here, you know. We want to lug thish-yerⒶtextual note Ⓐemendation [begin page 215] money up stairs and count it before everybody—then ther’Ⓐemendation ain’t noth’nⒶemendation suspicious. But when the dead man says ther’s six thous’nⒶemendation dollars, you know, we don’t want to—Ⓐhistorical collation”
“Hold on,” says the duke. “Less make up the deffisitⒶemendation”—and he begun to haulⒶalteration in the MS out yaller-boysⒶemendation out of his pocket.
“It’s a most amaz’n’Ⓐemendation good idea, duke—you have got a rattlin’ clever head on you,” says the king. “Blest if the old NonesuchⒶemendation ain’t a heppin’Ⓐemendation us out agin”—and he begun to haul out yaller-jacketsⒶemendation and stack them up.
It most busted them, but they made up the sixⒶalteration in the MS thousandⒶalteration in the MS clean and clear.
“Say,” says the duke, “IⒶemendation got another idea. Le’sⒶemendation go up stairsⒶhistorical collation and count this money, and then take and give it to the girls Ⓐalteration in the MS.”
“Good land, duke, lemme hug you! It’s the most dazzlingⒶalteration in the MS Ⓐemendation idea ’at ever a man struck. You have cert’nly got the most astonishin’ head I ever see. OⒶemendation, this is the boss dodgeⒶemendation, ther’Ⓐemendation ain’t no mistake ’boutⒶemendation it. [begin page 216] Let ’em fetch along their suspicions,Ⓐhistorical collation now, if they want to—this ’llⒶhistorical collation lay ’em out.”
When weⒶalteration in the MS got up stairsⒶhistorical collation, everybody gethered around the table, and the king he counted it and stacked it up, three hundred dollars in a pile—twentyⒶalteration in the MS elegantⒶemendation little piles. Everybody looked hungry at it, and licked their chops. Then theyⒶemendation raked itⒶemendation into the bag again, andⒶalteration in the MS I see the king begin to swell himself up for another speech. He says:
“Friends all, my poor brother that lays yonder,Ⓐhistorical collation has done generous by them that’sⒶalteration in the MS left behind in the vale of sorrers. He has doneⒶalteration in the MS generous by these-yerⒶhistorical collation poorⒶalteration in the MS little lambs that he loved and sheltered, and that’s left fatherless and motherless. Yes, and we that knowed him, knows that he would a doneⒶhistorical collation more generous by ’em ifⒶemendation he hadn’t ben afeard o’Ⓐemendation woundin’Ⓐalteration in the MS his dear William and me. Now, wouldn’t he? Ther’Ⓐemendation ain’t no question ’boutⒶemendation it,Ⓐhistorical collation in my mind. Well, then—Ⓐhistorical collationwhat kind o’Ⓐemendation brothers would it be,Ⓐhistorical collation that ’dⒶemendation stand in his way at sech a time? And what kind o’Ⓐemendation uncles would it be that ’dⒶemendation rob—yes, rob—sech poor sweet lambs as these ’atⒶemendation he loved so, at sech a time? IfⒶemendation I know William—and I think I do—he—well, I’ll jest askⒶemendation him.” He turns around and begins to make a lot of signs to the duke with his hands; andⒶemendation the duke he looksⒶemendation at him stupid and leatherheadedⒶhistorical collation a whileⒶhistorical collation, then all of a sudden he seemsⒶalteration in the MS Ⓐemendation to catch his meaning, and jumps for the kingⒶhistorical collation goo-gooing with all his might for joy, and hugs himⒶalteration in the MS about fifteen times before he letsⒶemendation up. Then the king says,Ⓐhistorical collation “I knowed it; I reckon that Ⓐalteration in the MS’llⒶhistorical collation convince anybody the way he feels about it. Here, Mary Jane, Susan, Joanner, take the money—take it all. It’s the gift of him that lays yonder, cold but joyful.”
Mary Jane she went for him, Susan and the hare-lipⒶemendation went for the duke, and then such another hugging and kissing I never see yet. And everybody crowded up,Ⓐhistorical collation with the tears in their eyes, andⒶalteration in the MS most shook the hands off of them frauds, saying all the time:
“You dear good souls!—how lovely!—how could you!”
Well, then, pretty soonⒶalteration in the MS all hands got to talking about the diseased again, and how good he was, and what a loss he was, and all that; and before long a big iron-jawed man worked himself in there fromⒶemendation outside, and stood a-listeningⒶhistorical collation and looking, and not saying anything; and nobody saying anything to him,Ⓐhistorical collation either, because theⒶalteration in the MS king was talking and they was all busy listening. The king was saying—in the middle of something he’d started in on—Ⓐemendation
[begin page 217] “—they bein’Ⓐemendation partickler friends o’Ⓐemendation theⒶalteration in the MS diseased. That’s why they’re invited here this evenin’; but to-morrowⒶemendation we want all to come—everybody; for he respected everybody, he liked everybody, and so it’s fitten that his funeral orgies sh’dⒶemendation be public.”
And soⒶalteration in the MS he went a-mooning on and on, liking to hear himself talk, and every little while he fetched in his funeral orgies again, till the duke he couldn’tⒶemendation stand it no more; so he writesⒶemendation on a little scrap of paper, “obsequies, you old fool,” and foldsⒶemendation it upⒶemendation andⒶalteration in the MS goesⒶemendation to goo-gooingⒶalteration in the MS and reaching it over people’s heads to him. The king he reads it, and puts it in his pocket, and says:
“Poor William, afflicted as he is,Ⓐalteration in the MS his heart’s Ⓐalteration in the MS aluzⒶalteration in the MS Ⓐemendation right. Asks me to invite everybody to come to the funeral—wants me to make ’em all welcome. But he needn’t a worriedⒶhistorical collation—it was jest what I was at.”
Then he weaves along,Ⓐhistorical collation again, perfectly ca’mⒶemendation, and goes toⒶemendation dropping in his funeral orgies again every now and then, just likeⒶemendation he done before.Ⓐalteration in the MS And when he done it the third time, he says:
“I sayⒶemendation orgies, not because it’s the common term, because it ain’t— [begin page 218] obsequiesⒶalteration in the MS bein’Ⓐalteration in the MS the common term—but because orgies isⒶalteration in the MS the right term. Obsequies ain’t used in England no more,Ⓐhistorical collation now—it’s gone out. We say orgies, now,Ⓐhistorical collation in England. Orgies is better, because it means the thing you’reⒶemendation after, more exact. It’s a word that’s made up out’nⒶemendation the Greek orgo, outside, open, abroad; and the Hebrew jeesum Ⓔexplanatory note, to plant, cover up; hence inter Ⓐemendation. So, youⒶemendation see, funeral orgies is an open erⒶemendation public funeral.”
He was the worst I ever struck. Well,Ⓐemendation the iron-jawed man heⒶemendation laughed right in his face. Everybody was shocked. Everybody saysⒶemendation, “WhyⒶhistorical collation doctor!” and Abner Shackleford says:
“Why, Robinson,Ⓐemendation hain’t you heard the news? This is Harvey Wilks.”
The king heⒶemendation smiled,Ⓐhistorical collation eager,Ⓐalteration in the MS and shovedⒶalteration in the MS out his flapper,Ⓐalteration in the MS and says:
“Is it my poor brother’s dear good friend and physician? I—Ⓐhistorical collation”
“Keep your hands off of me!” says the doctor. “You talk like an Englishman—don’t you? It’s the worstⒶhistorical collation imitation I ever heard. You Peter Wilks’s brother.Ⓐemendation You’re a fraud, that’s what you are!”
Well, how they all took on! They crowded around the doctor, and tried to quiet him down, and tried to explain to him, and tell himⒶhistorical collation how Harvey’d showed in forty ways that he was Harvey, and knowedⒶalteration in the MS everybody byⒶalteration in the MS name, and the names of the very dogs, and begged and begged him not to hurtⒶalteration in the MS Harvey’s feelings and the poor girls’Ⓐemendation feelings, and all that; but it warn’t no use, he stormed right along, and said any man that pretended to be an Englishman and couldn’t imitate the lingo no better than what he did, was a fraud and a liar. The poor girls was hanging to the king and crying; and all of a sudden the doctor ups and turns on them. He says:
[begin page 219] “I was your father’s friend, and I’m your friend; and I warn you as a friend, and an honest one, that wants to protect you and keep you out of harm and trouble, to turn your backs on that scoundrel, and have nothing to do with him, the ignorant trampⒶemendation, with his idioticⒶemendation Greek and Hebrew as he calls it. He is the thinnest kind of an imposterⒶemendation—has come here with a lot of empty names and facts which he has picked up somewheresⒶemendation, and you takeⒶemendation them for proofs, and are helped to foolⒶemendation yourselves by these foolishⒶemendation friends here, who ought to know better. Mary Jane Wilks, you know me for your friend, and forⒶemendation your unselfishⒶemendation friend, tooⒶemendation. Now listen to me:Ⓐhistorical collation turn this pitiful rascalⒶemendation out—I beg Ⓐemendation you toⒶemendation do it. Will you?”
Mary Jane straightened herself up, and my, but she was handsomeⒶemendation! She says:
“ Here Ⓐemendation is my answer.” She hove up the bag of money,Ⓐhistorical collation and put it in the king’s hands, and says,Ⓐhistorical collation “Take this sixⒶalteration in the MS thousand dollars, and investⒶemendation for me and my sisters any way you want toⒶemendation, and don’t give us no receipt for it.Ⓐemendation”
Then she put her arm around the king on one side, and Susan and the hare-lipⒶemendation done the same on the other. Everybody clapped their hands and stomped on the floor like a perfect storm, whilst the king held up his head and smiled proud. The doctor says:
“All right;Ⓐhistorical collation I wash my hands of the matter. But I warn you all that a time’s coming when you’re going to feelⒶalteration in the MS sick whenever you think of this day”—and away he went.
“All right, doctorⒶalteration in the MS,”Ⓐemendation says the king, kinder mocking him, “we’ll try and gitⒶhistorical collation Ⓐtextual note ’em to sendⒶalteration in the MS for you”—which made them all laugh, and they said it was a prime good hit.
times.] followed by the passage below, which was revised in the MS and then canceled at a later stage. The superior numbers refer to Mark Twain’s revisions, which are listed following the passage: ‘Soon as he could, the duke shook the hairlip, and sampled1 Susan, which was better looking. After the king had kissed Mary Jane fourteen2 or fifteen times, he give the duke a show, and tapered off on the others.’ (emended).
1. sampled] interlined above canceled ‘tried’.
2. fourteen] written over wiped-out ‘consu’.