The present text is based upon a manuscript, DV8, the only phase under Mark Twain's control. The paper is from a “Pratt's” tablet and the script placement is the same as for “God” and “As Concerns Interpreting the Deity”; the date of composition is probably 1905. Paine wrote “Gospel” at the top of the first leaf, meaning that the piece was a fragment of What Is Man?, but Mark Twain did not indicate where or whether it was to be inserted in the dialogue. The present text supplies “to” in “to say” (123.4), omitted in the manuscript.
Previous printing: LE, pp. 216–218.
[1905]
The Rabbit. The testimony showed, (1), that the Rabbit, having declined to volunteer, was enlisted by compulsion, and (2) deserted in the face of the enemy on the eve of battle. Being asked if he had anything to say for himself before sentence of death should be passed upon him for violating the military law forbidding cowardice and desertion, he said he had not desired to violate that law, but had been obliged to obey a higher law which took precedence of it and set it aside. Being asked what law that was, he answered, “the law of God, which denies courage to the rabbit.”
Verdict of the Court. To be disgraced in the presence of the army; stripped of his uniform; marched to the scaffold, bearing a placard marked “Coward,” and hanged.
The Lion. The testimony showed that the Lion, by his splendid courage and matchless strength and endurance, saved the battle.
Verdict of the Court. To be given a dukedom, his statue to be set up, his name to be writ in letters of gold at the top of the roll in the Temple of Fame.
The Fox. The testimony showed that he had broken the divine law, “Thou shalt not steal.” Being asked for his defence, he pleaded that he had been obliged to obey the divine law, “The Fox shall steal.”
Verdict of the Court. Imprisonment for life.
The Horse. The evidence showed that he had spent many days and nights, unwatched, in the paddock with the poultry, yet had triumphed over temptation.
Verdict of the Court. Let his name be honored; let his deed be praised throughout the land by public proclamation.
The Wolf. The evidence showed that he had transgressed the law “Thou shalt not kill.” In arrest of judgment, he pleaded the law of his nature.
Verdict of the Court. Death.
The Sheep. The evidence showed that he had had manifold temptations to commit murder and massacre, yet had not yielded.
Verdict of the Court. Let his virtue be remembered forever.
The Machine. The Court: Prisoner, it is charged and proven that you are poorly contrived and badly constructed. What have you to say to this?
Answer. I did not contrive myself, I did not construct myself.
The Court. It is charged and proven that you have moved when you should not have moved; that you have turned out of your course when you should have gone straight; that you have moved swiftly through crowds when the law and the public weal [begin page 123] forbade a speed like that; that you leave a stench behind you wherever you go, and you persist in this, although you know it is improper and that other machines refrain from doing it. What have you to say to these things?
Answer. I am a machine. I am slave to the law of my make, I have to obey it, under all conditions. I do nothing, of myself. My forces are set in motion by outside influences, I never set them in motion myself.
The Court. You are discharged. Your plea is sufficient. You are a pretty poor thing, with some good qualities and some bad ones; but to attach personal merit to conduct emanating from the one set, and personal demerit to conduct emanating from the other set would be unfair and unjust. To a machine, that is—to a machine.