No manuscript extant. The present text is based upon the only text possibly authorized: Galaxy 9, no. 5 (May 1870): 721–722 (University of Iowa, University of Texas). Two misprints in that text have been corrected (a curved dash stands for the word previously quoted), “Terra” Tierra (48.15), “day,” ~. (49.24). “Saviour” (49.18) has been emended to “Savior”—Mark Twain's usual spelling. Compare the text at 43.26.
Facsimile of the Galaxy printing in CG, pp. 41–42. Modern printings: The Curious Republic of Gondour and Other Whimsical Sketches (New York: Boni and Liveright, 1919), pp. 25–29; Philip S. Foner, Mark Twain: Social Critic (New York: International Publishers, 1958), pp. 145–146; Mark Twain: Life As I Find It, ed. Charles Neider (Garden City: Hanover House, 1961), pp. 49–50; Mark Twain on the Damned Human Race, ed. Janet Smith (New York: Hill and Wang, 1962), pp. 36–38.
[1870]
In a recent issue of the “Independent,” the Rev. T. De Witt TalmageⒺexplanatory note, of Brooklyn, has the following utterance on the subject of “Smells”:
I have a good Christian friendⒺexplanatory note who, if he sat in the front pew in church, and a working man should enter the door at the other end, would smell him instantly. My friend is not to blame for the sensitiveness of his nose, any more than you would flog a pointer for being keener on the scent than a stupid watch-dog. The fact is, if you had all the churches free, by reason of the mixing up of the common people with the uncommon, you would keep one-half of Christendom sick at their stomach. If you are going to kill the church thus with bad smells, I will have nothing to do with this work of evangelization.
We have reason to believe that there will be laboring men in heaven; and also a number of negroes, and Esquimaux, and Tierra del Fuegans, and Arabs, and a few Indians, and possibly even some Spaniards and Portuguese. All things are possible with God. We shall have all these sorts of people in heaven; but, alas! in getting them we shall lose the society of Dr. Talmage. Which is to say, we shall lose the company of one who could give more real “tone” to celestial society than any other contribution Brooklyn could furnish. And what would eternal happiness be without the Doctor? Blissful, unquestionably—we know that well enough— [begin page 49] but would it be distingué, would it be recherché without him? St. Matthew without stockings or sandals; St. Jerome bareheaded, and with a coarse brown blanket robe dragging the ground; St. Sebastian with scarcely any raiment at all—these we should see, and should enjoy seeing them; but would we not miss a spike-tailed coat and kids, and turn away regretfully, and say to parties from the Orient: “These are well enough, but you ought to see Talmage of Brooklyn.” I fear me that in the better world we shall not even have Dr. Talmage's “good Christian friend.” For if he were sitting under the glory of the Throne, and the keeper of the keys admitted a Benjamin Franklin or other laboring man, that “friend,” with his fine natural powers infinitely augmented by emancipation from hampering flesh, would detect him with a single sniff, and immediately take his hat and ask to be excused.
To all outward seeming, the Rev. T. De Witt Talmage is of the same material as that used in the construction of his early predecessors in the ministry; and yet one feels that there must be a difference somewhere between him and the Savior's first disciples. It may be because here, in the nineteenth century, Dr. T. has had advantages which Paul and Peter and the others could not and did not have. There was a lack of polish about them, and a looseness of etiquette, and a want of exclusiveness, which one cannot help noticing. They healed the very beggars, and held intercourse with people of a villainous odor every day. If the subject of these remarks had been chosen among the original Twelve Apostles, he would not have associated with the rest, because he could not have stood the fishy smell of some of his comrades who came from around the Sea of Galilee. He would have resigned his commission with some such remark as he makes in the extract quoted above: “Master, if thou art going to kill the church thus with bad smells, I will have nothing to do with this work of evangelization.” He is a disciple, and makes that remark to the Master; the only difference is, that he makes it in the nineteenth instead of the first century.
Is there a choir in Mr. T.'s church? And does it ever occur [begin page 50] that they have no better manners than to sing that hymn which is so suggestive of laborers and mechanics:
Now, can it be possible that in a handful of centuries the Christian character has fallen away from an imposing heroism that scorned even the stake, the cross, and the axe, to a poor little effeminacy that withers and wilts under an unsavory smell? We are not prepared to believe so, the reverend Doctor and his friend to the contrary notwithstanding.