THE “JUMPING FROG.”

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Mark Twain’s Genteel Brother
and Advance Agent.

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He Possesses all the Native Hu-
mor and Wit of His Famous
Brother, Only in a More
Practical Way.

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And Plays Leap Frog with a Fine
Audience of Dubuque In-
nocents.

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A Charming Farce for Our Literary Caste
to Study at Leisure.

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Did You Attend Mr. Twain’s Lec-
ture Last Night?

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Some two or three hundred of our town
people enjoyed such a blissful entertain-
ment within the charmed and lovely walls
of the Atheneum last night, that we feel
duty bound to make it the theme of a short
narrative. Dear Reader did you ever en-
joy a first class sell—“Mark Twain” you
know describes it?1explanatory note Did you ever partici-
pate in a first class hoax? Were you ever
“gulled” out of your spare change by ye
gentle dead beat or shyster. We do not
for an instant suppose that any gentleman or
lady can be found in Dubuque this April
morning, who is ready to confess that he
or she attended Mark Twain’s lecture last
night. It was a fine effort on the part of
his urbane and accomplished brother,
Charles Clemmens, Esq., who has been
with us a few days. Even in its earliest
chapters it possesses all the sweetness of
pastoral poetry together with all the vi-
vacity of comedy.

arrival of the advance agent.

On last Wednesday evening a common
place looking fellow with moderate mann-
ers and the requisite amount of cheek, arriv-
ed by one of the passenger trains entering
the city, for ’tis not known to a certainty
whether it was the eastern or western
train, and put up with mine courteous host
W. W. Pyne, of the Key City House. He
registered himself “charles clemmens,
advance agent for mark twain,” and
confidentially informed Mr. Pyne that he
had the honor to be a brother by right of
blood, to the author of “Innocents Abroad,”
&c. He dwelt like a prince—lived and
grew merry and fat on the best in the house,
and prythee, why shouldn’t he, was the
quiet insinuation curtly thrown out, when
any fellow lodger eyed him questioningly
—hadn’t he all the wealth, and fame, and
wit of the literary lion Twain to back him?
But this supreme nonchalance of bearing
did not suffice to dissolve the glamour of
doubt that hung and flapped with mysteri-
ous monition in the imaginations of certain
shrewd gentlemen who did buy tickets and
ate their breakfasts half an hour earlier
Monday morning to be in time to get
the first choice of reserve seats at Palmer’s
book store. The cause of this surpassing
keenness on the part of these gentlemen
was perhaps owing to

the personnelle of mark’s brother.

He was a tall, lank, angular faced, with
brown hair, snaky gray eyes, a projecting
Roman nose, heavy moustasche, slightly
receding chin and narrow jaws, which de-
veloped into a noble expanse of cheek to-
ward the upper cheek bones. There was
nothing bizarre about his dress. He wore
a dark, we believe black, coat and waist
coat of some indifferent material, and
coarse pants of a light color. His shirt and
collar were not very clean, and his cravat
slouchy. His feet were cramped and awk-
ward in appearance poor, being encased in
a pair of tight-fitting calf skin boots and
his walk was stilted.

among the newspaper offices.

Mark Twain is an advertiser on scien-
tific principles. This twin brother was
too. Thursday morning he presented him-
self in every newspaper office in the city
and contracted for a small amount of ad-
vertising—a few lines each day until the
day of the lecture. He lost his shadow
in the Herald counting room that day
and favored us with a small favor in the
way of his patronage.2explanatory note

he witnesses richeleu.

Spending the day in the office of the
Key City house disposing of various cor-
respondence, he strikes Lawrence Bar-
ret’s business agent, and on his creden-
tials as Mark Twain’s brother obtains com-
plimentary tickets to attend Richelu, in
the evening.3explanatory note He takes a reserve seat in
the front row of the dress circle, and
sprawls his legs over the heads of those
sitting beneath him in the pit.
This little lack of etiquette
created a disturbance, and one of
the ushers went to him, and tried to tell
him this mode of exalting his pedal ex-
tremities was not agreeable to his fellow
auditors. Mr. Clemmens turned on the
usher with countenance as ireful as Jove’s
in a thunder storm, and demanded to know
what right he had to interfere with the
rights and privileges of Mark Twain’s bro-
ther—he had come to the show on compli-
mentary tickets—guessed he’d do as he
pleased—he could raise enough money to
buy out half a dozen rickety Atheneums—
he’d have the d—d ushers discharged—he’d
show the whole harlaquin of them that he
would do as he pleased when next Monday
night came. And he did do as he pleased,
and browbeat every one who attempted to
interfere with him.

other preliminaries arranged.

He also arranged with Messrs. Stewart
& Scott to obtain the use of the Atheneum
and at Palmer & Bros’. for the diagrams of
the hall on which to reserve the seats.
We are told that these last named gentle-
men in their alacrity to serve this eye-
peeling Clemmens, had the diagrams
re-covered and replatted with especial
care.

off to galena.

The succeeding Friday and Saturday he
spent in Dubuque in the serene enjoyment
of his fare at the Key City House. Satur-
day evening he went to Palmer’s book
store and obtained the money, $25 in
amount, which had been received for seats
reserved up to that time, and left for Gale-
na, not returning until Monday noon.

an interview with him—twain’s ap-
pointments.

While in the lower part of the city Mon-
day morning we stepped into the Key City
House and inquired for the gentleman. We
had met the veritable Mark Twain, himself,
but had never had the pleasure of a
meeting with this delectable
brother.4explanatory note So we inquired for
him. Unfortunately he was not in and
we departed in disappointment. On his
return he was informed of our visit and
made haste to find us at the Herald sanc-
tum. We marveled a little at the seedi-
ness of his attire, compared with the al-
most dandified neatness of the identical
Mark Twain, but said nothing. He called
us out to the door. There we chatted pleas-
antly, and he donated us a couple of com-
plimentary tickets to the “Jumping Frog”
performance, which we accepted with
thanks. We questioned him:

Mr. Clemmens, how long will your
brother remain in Dubuque?

Mr. C—Until Wednesday.

Where does he lecture next?

Mr. C—In Chicago.

Where does he go from there?

Mr. C—To Omaha.

Does he return to New York after filling
this appointment?

Mr. C—Oh no. He then goes to Lincoln,
Nebraska, Denver, Cheyenne, Salt Lake.
Then over to San Francisco and going
down the Pacific coast will fill engage-
ments in Mexico and New Mexico.

What on earth does he take such a route
for?

Mr. C—Oh he wants to see the country;
he an’ I mean to travel the country together
for a couple of years. After leaving New
Mexico we’ll pass through Texas, Louisi-
ana, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South
Carolina, North Carolina and thence up
north again.

Does Mark Twain intend to take any
lecturing tours next year?

Mr. C.—Yes, yes.

In what direction?

Mr. C.—Well he’ll want a change of
scenery and climate and he may go to
Central America and South America,
stopping a Panama, Valpariaso, Lima, Po-
tosi, then take some railroad which strikes
through the heart of the country across the
Andes and go to Rio Janeiro, at the
mouth of the Amazon.

Does he return home from there?

Mr. C.—No.

Where in the world does he go next?

Mr. C.—Why—I haven’t got my charts
with me, but suppose we’ll strike back
over the road we came and go to Madagas-
car and Australia.

“Rather peculiar,” we pondered thought-
fully. “Where does Twain stop when he
arrives in Dubuque?”

Mr. C.—He’ll put up at the Lorimie
House. A lady up there, a Mrs. Barnard,
is a distant relation of Mark’s, and of
course he’ll go there.5explanatory note

twain’s arrival.

With a few more indefinite remarks the
thread of conversation broke, and he re-
turned to the Key City House to prepare
for the lecture. He gave out in the after-
noon that the lecturer would be in Du-
buque until the arrival of the train from the
east. Toward evening, an hour before the
time for the lecture he showed a bogus
dispatch which stated that Mark had miss-
ed his connections with the regular train
and was being brought like Vanderbilt
from Harlem in a locomotive at lightning
speed.6explanatory note We fear the devil himself waylaid
that “Iron hoss”—it will never arrive in
Dubuque.

taking up the cash receipts.

At 7 o’clock he went to Palmer’s store
and drew the remainder of the money
taken for reserved seats, some $35, and then
proceeded to superintend the opening of
the hall. The room was comfortably
heated, the gas was lit. A rickety table
covered with a soiled red cloth, and a
pitcher of water and a tumbler standing
upon it, were the simple arrangements
made for the speaker.

assembly of the audience.

Andrew Scott, a son of Geo. D. Scott,
Esq., one of the managers of the Atheneum
was presiding at the ticket office shortly
after 7 o’clock, when the people began to
come. Young Scott had not remained
there long taking in cash on the sale of
tickets, when Mr. Clemmens crowded in
and sent him off, remarking that Scott had
better go and take in the tickets at the
door—he (Clemmens) wanted to take in
“the stray scads” who had to pay.
The audience had all assembled
by 8 o’clock and were clamorously await-
ing the appearance of the speaker. He
did appear, however, and having vainly
waited until half-past 8 o’clock a few of
of the more suspicious left their seats and
went out, and on going down stairs found
that Clemmens had taken his departure and
left our fellow citizen Joe Howard in the
ticket office. Others became to come, and
still others, all crowding around the ticket
office demanding their money. Our friend
Howard was pale as a sheet with fright,
and protested he had nothing to do with
the money or the tickets. When the real
condition of affairs was discovered—
when the audience, composed of nearly
three hundred of the elite of tee city found
they had been miserably hoaxed, they were
a sick looking multitude, we guarantee.
The “Jumping Frog” tickets were re-
turned to them as they went out, so that
they might go to the lecture in case Mark
Twain puts in an appearance to-night.

who are left in the lurch.

All the newspaper offices were fortunate
getting their bills cashed at the ticket of-
fice before Clemmens lit out. Messrs.
Stewart & Scott lose $25, the price
of the Atheneum, for one
night. Joe Howard loses $8 for
bill posting did by him. W. W. Pyne,
Esq., loses a small board bill.

where clemmens went.

Marshal Kintzinger instantly set out in
search of the hoaxing gentleman, dispatch-
es were sent in all directions,
and every possible effort made to mend the
injured feelings of our good citizens who
went to hear Mark Twain last night. He
was last seen in the city making toward
the levee with an individual known about
town by the name of Ferris. It was ascer-
tained that the pair, who appear to have
been boon companions for several days,
went in the direction of Dunleith. The fol-
lowing dispatch was received:

Dunleith, Ill., April 20.

Mr.——

Ferris is at hotel—other man bought
ticket for a woman for Scales Mound be-
fore train arrived. Probably jumped on at
lower end of yard.      Jno. Buckley. 7explanatory note